[Angie M]

I have been married for going on 8 years to my high school sweet heart. We have 3 kids together, and for the most part, I thought things were going Okay. I wont lie, we have been through some very hard times, but they never had anything to do with our relationship(ie:cheating, ect..) It was mostly financial problems. Now, we've been past that for a few years. He works alot and I'm a stay at home mom and I also babysit. I have been feeling kinda depressed for probably the last 4 or5 years now, but am so afraid to get any kind of help for it. We have a very small group of friends who I know would be there for us both if we needed anything. I very seldom get any time to myself, and I cant tell you the last time my husband and I went on a date. I have no family to help me out, and my husbands family, well, they dont care for me that much. The last two weeks , he has not been coming home from work till very late. Not saying i love you when I talk to him on the phone, and basically trying to avoid talking to me at all cost. Then last night he comes home and tells me he doesnt know if he wants to continue our marrige. He says hes depressed and not happy and he thinks Im a lazy ***** and cant stand to be around me. I almost fell over. I asked if there was someone else, he said no. I asked if he wanted to try counsiling, he sad no. I asked what I could do or not do to help the situation, he said he didnt know. He just said he needs time to think. I asked him if he wanted to move out, he said no because if he moved out, he wouldn't come back. Now I am not a perfect wife by far, but he has never told me any of this before, and refuses to talk about it. What do I do? I love this man, but I am unhappy and he is unhappy. I really think that if we had some time alone together on a regular basis, we would be able to work things out. But he never makes time. His 2nd job is with his father, and he wont ever say no to that man. And nothing would make his family happier than to see us split up. This is my marrige,and he is the father of my children, the guy that I fell madly in love with. How did we get here?
Why cant he see that the job I do every day is just as stressful as his(sometimes even more)? I am so sad inside that he wont even talk to me about this. How would I even begin to explain this to my 7, 4, and 2 yr. old children? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I dont have any one I can turn to who would be able to see this from both sides. Thankyou.

[Guest]

i'm really sorry you're going through that.

this isn't meant to make you feel better - what you're going through is painful. period. but it's not uncommon for one spouse - men & women - to experience that kind of shock to their feelings for their partner.

knowing just very little about you & your husband, i would advise you to get to a counselor quick - for two reasons. one, you need someone to help you process your feelings & put them where they need to be. yo have to let your emotions run their couse & at the same time avoid making decisions that will impact your life while you're emotional. that's nearly impossible without some guidance.

second, having a counselor you trust & who can become familiar with your situation will help you to get him to that counselor. that's hard to believe, i know - but it often influences the "offending" spouse more than you realize.

again, i don't know either of you - but when this happens, for whatever reason - infidelity, mid-life doubts, whatever - even though one spouse often is the aggressor in dissolving the marriage & behaving in a way that is detrimental to the relationship - even still, that spouse usually is NOT happy about what's going on. even in the cases of affairs - the spouse who has gotten trapped into very strong feelings for someone else might think he/she is in love with another person but will still, under it all, be very discontented with what's heppening to the marriage.

what i'm saying is - even though i don't know your details - get to a counselor & get your thoughts in perspective. the odds are that your husband, even though he feels like he doesn't love you any more & he may feel like getting out of your marriage will be a relief, he is more than likely experiencing a lot of inner torment over the wreckage in his /your life.

you dragging him to a counselor to talk him into staying will repel him - that's a sure thing. but offering him an opportunity to vent his frustrations, explore what's bothering him & look for a resolution can be seen as an open door.

he may see it immediately as a way out of your marriage - avoid panic over that. just get him there. there are obviously things robbing you both of peace, so any steps that take you closer to a counselor will be good ones.

you've got to know what you want to see happen first - and you may not know that. your desperation may lead you to believe you want something taht you really don't want.

and remember, tom petty may have been high but he wasn't crazy when he said the waiting is the hardest part. as the spouse anchoring the marraige & trying to save things, you'll have to endure a lot of pain silently. the more desperation & urgenacy you display, the farher away a spouse will run if he's experiencing that trapped feeling.

it's not hopeless. marriages go through this - and they are almost always better on the other side.

just don't ignore the work. getting everything to look normal again won't mean you've solved anything. you need to pull out the issues & work on them together.

the depression & anxiety that inevitably accompanies marriage trouble will be working hard to sabbotage your efforts. the more you worry, the less you sleep, the less able you are to work on this - another reason i recommend a good counselor NOW. someone you trust to be knowledgable, fair, & unbiased. the more you know about what the counselor values the better, but most good therapists know how to guide you through this process without steering you in the direction they want you to go in.

[kaylar]

The last two weeks , he has not been coming home from work till very late. Not saying i love you when I talk to him on the phone, and basically trying to avoid talking to me at all cost. Then last night he comes home and tells me he doesnt know if he wants to continue our marrige. He says hes depressed and not happy and he thinks Im a lazy ***** and cant stand to be around me.

This is the basic pattern when a man is having a serious affair.
Not just cheating.
He has apparaently fallen in love with someone else.
Get a lawyer, establish your legal position. He will
be getting a lawyer...
So far, it sounds like the woman he is dating has
some morality and might not be willing to be involved
with him unless he is divorced.

However, regardless of her choice, you must realise
your marriage is over.

[Guest]

"He has apparaently fallen in love with someone else."

this is certainly possible, but i wouldn't say it's apparent by any means. also, angie, remember that people are susceptible to a lot these days. our society places little value on marriage. if you find he's involved, it won't mean he's in love - you still need to figure out what you want to see happen.

marriages recover from infidelity - they don't stumble through, they recover 100%. yours can too.

"you must realise your marriage is over."

just make sure you make this decision. no one here - myself included - has anything to lose if you give up on your marriage.

you will live with the consequences forever. be careful.

[rcoreyus]

I don't see any reason to think he is having an affair. You've been depressed, He's been depressed, both working hard at home and at jobs. Taking care of 3 kids (a tremendous amount of work). It may be that all of the enjoyment has gone out of the marriage.

Is there someone who can take care of your kids for a couple of days? Can you afford (in time and money) to get away for a weekend. Nothing fancy, just go somewhere else with him and have fun for 2 days. Or, if that is tough, maybe just a "Date", dinner, a movie, something fun. If you can somehow get time, don't talk about your relationship, just do something fun. Dinner out doesn't need to be expensive - find some interesting ethnic resteraunt. Doesn't need to be a movie - just an afternoon walking in a nice park, or along the beach (if that is close).


Think about the things that are consuming your time. Maybe you can do without some. (maybe not - life can be very difficult).

This is a very tough situation.

[Angie M]

thanks for the advise. I do not feel that my marriage is over. My husband is an very private kind of guy. He doesn't open up easily. I will be going to a counselor to sort out my problems, and maybe he will be willing to join me in time. I talked to him earlier, and he said he really does not want a divorce, but needs time to figure out what he wants and and how to be happy with himself and our relationship. We are only 27 years old. Could you go through a mid life crisis that early? I think some alone time would really help us, too, so I will be putting an add in our paper for a babysitter. I just wish he could talk to me. It wasn't always this way between us. I hope that in time, we can be happy again.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I personally can't see an affair here either?

I can see how tough you both have had to take it, 8 years marriage, your first child within the first year and the youngest "terrible twos".

No family support to mind the children so you can go out on a date.

Financial whoes that seems to be getting better and easier, however, he works two jobs and you babysit as well as being a full time mother.

I also don't think it has anything to do with his father, just that parents are parents and they see sadness, he may just be helping to ensure that his son and grandchildren have that extra bit of money to help.

I do see that you are both in a "rut"..

Kids at that age are demanding, "mommy i want, mommy i want, daddy do this" and if he's working two jobs he would have to be very tired.

Also, you would both probably be exhausted daily and once the kids are in bed, you both probably ignore each other and go into your own world of being "tired" and this probably falls into the bedroom as well.

For you, i would ask is it possible that you can obtain a part time day job that you love, that will make you a good income enough to have more than you are getting from babysitting, and the 4 and 2 year old go into day care during that part time job?

This will get you out of the house, give you both a bit more income, have something to talk about when you get home and maybe pull you out a bit of that depression, as you are not "stuck at home".

Or maybe, he doesn't need the second job but you can work a couple early evenings, a week, and he can mind the children for 2 days a week, again for the same reason.

And, if you baby sit and get paid, then there must be someone that can babysit and you can pay them.

You both desperately need to have some "me time" you can't simply work, raise children, work, raise children and be robots...

I also note that you asked him if he wanted to leave and he said " no, because i won't come back" or to that effect, to me that means that there is still something there that is holding him to you and your family, or he would have said "yes i do" and then i would be worried about an affair.

Of course, a marriage is not about bringing up children alone and never seeing each other, dating and enjoying intimate relations in and out of the bedroom.

This alone, i would be saying to him and telling him that you both need to find a solution to have some fun, in and out of the bedroom, intimacy and laughter like you did before you got married.

I am also sure that "grandparents" are grandparents, whether they like you or not, they love their grandchildren, surely your husband can drop them of once a week without you so you both can have me time and they can experience the fun and laughter with their grandchildren. Suggest maybe that he suggests this to his parents.

Depression is a horrid thing, i lived with an ex that had it for 5 years and he refused councelling, wouldn't budge. But he did get out of it and i did assist a bit, with making him see the fun he could be having thereby introducing things he liked immensely more into that household, to get back his enthusiasm and he's not depressed now. Well, he maybe because unfortunately, my cup ran dry and i ended up being the one to leave.

Also, you can write a list together, of the things you love about each other and the things you don't love about each other, objectively and quietly discuss those things, and see if you can work on the things you both don't like. Just as much as having a glass of wine over the table when the kids are in bed and "do you remember" and bring thoughts so you both can visualise some happy times that made you laugh so much and laugh.

The hardest thing to do, is to not work on anything and let it all fall to the way side.

Love is love, and if there's no cheating, then there's no reason to not go through the motions first of what may assist in changing things back. Not changing a person, this is not possible, giving new life is, or remembering happy things is.

Best of wishes.

[Guest]

We are only 27 years old. Could you go through a mid life crisis that early?

absolutely. it probably wouldn't be called "mid-life," but the symptoms & menifestations are the same.

many spouses, after several years, begin to feel undeniable pangs of stress about their lives - where once we saw a field of opportunity & choices, we now see a single road that we have chosen. that can feel dampening - the "no turning back now" syndrome. the "7 year itch" actually does have legitimate meaning.

he might feel panic about all that he is leaving behind by binding himself to you. not other women & sex - though that might contribute - but just the adventuresome spirit that so many singles seem to live with. the more he logs in hour after hour in what feels to him to be all obligation (work, kids, family, yardwork, kids, work, etc), he starts to ponder a life that feels weightless & freeing.

when a guy dwells on that for a prolonged period of time - it's like getting closer & closer to a building, until all you see is the wall right in front of your face. he can't put it in perspective because all he sees is what he's missing.

typically the minute we get to the other side we instantly realize what we traded & wish we could go back to what we hated before.

it's very common - as is the decision to leave when it happens. there are countless men & women who experienced this & left their marriages only to regret it when it went away - and it does go away. our perspectives & attitudes breathe over time, they change. your husband won't be unhappy forever - but his unhappiness now is certainly real. like anything that hurts, it can force our attention from the big picture & make us focus on the thing causing the pain. that's probably where he is.

one caution: being in that condition leaves both of you ripe for an affair. physical or emotional. i would encourage you not to start confiding in male friends about this. it's very easy, when you're empty & lonely, to confuse your feelings & get hooked into something that began with the best of intentions.

your decision to see a counselor is smart & it will help you face the future of your relationship more confidently.

[macybelle]

I agree I don't think he's having an affair. He might be staying at work late to avoid being home though. You do need to find someone who will watch your kids and make time for your husband. Show him that he is still the man you love. If he won't talk to you then put love notes in the pockets of his pants or in his lunch box. Does he have email at work? Send him love letters to his email account. Don't be afraid to sound silly.
Men love to be told how special they are to us. They love affection showered on them too. For a few nights put him before your kids. Put them to bed early and make time for him. Don't get stuck in the mommy rut you are still a woman who needs her man as much as he needs his woman.

[C]

My Thoughts

First I want to tell you that I have not read any of the other posts...I just don't have the time now as I am too busy....But I do want to comment on this post...

One thing you have to consider is your's was young love...You were high school sweetheart's but honey, you were young and too often high school sweetheart's grow different ways as they age...They think this young love will hold true for life and it doesn't....It isn't either of your fault, it is just plain life....Maybe this is not your fault in this marriage but I have had the opportunity to watch other marriages crumble or else hold together in desperation.

I guess sometimes people just fall out of love.....They try and remember and keep pulling it up but it gets harder and harder to make those feelings that used to be there come forward....

I know of this from watching my own son and his high school sweetheart....We loved her and I guess they may have still loved each other in their own way but it lost the sexual thrill of all the yesterday's and the passion that it would need to hold a marriage together for all the year's to come....They were engaged and parted....It is good that they did...

This is what you and your man are going to have to try and find again...If you can't find it, let it go...Take your wonderful trophy's of your love and move on.....

Much luck and love to you....Caroline