[DreamP346]

I've known a few people who were married to not so nice people. These spouses were sometimes crazy, and would alienate them from their families. But these husbands always stood by their wives and would strain their relationship with their family. As an outsider, I always blamed the husbands for not standing up to their wives and letting these crazy women break up the family. Of course, I don't have to live with these crazy women, so it is easy for me to judge.

What would you do? Would you stand up to your spouse if they were not treating your family with the respect they deserved or would you cut off relationships with you family to keep the peace at home? In both the cases I know of, the marriage eventually ended and there was a lot of turmoil beyond what was happening with the family. As one of the husbands said, "I was trying to keep the peace the best I could. I had to live with her."

[atskitty2]

I can't wait to comment on this...later. I'm off to get in some court time!

[Stillness]

This is difficult for me to answer because I think there's probably more to it. Is the woman open and friendly with the family then once she gets the ring on her finger, all of a sudden she's evil without cause? How much did existing issues from the family's past or the husband's actions contribute to the strain?

[amy40]

These spouses were sometimes crazy, and would alienate them from their families.

Are you talking about extended families?

If you are talking about extended families, people can still spend time with their extended family and the spouse can stay home, if they don't want to go to a get together.
Most people spend way more time with their nuclear family than extended families. So how was it such a problem, Dream, with the two families you knew?

[DreamP346]

This is difficult for me to answer because I think there's probably more to it. Is the woman open and friendly with the family then once she gets the ring on her finger, all of a sudden she's evil without cause? How much did existing issues from the family's past or the husband's actions contribute to the strain?

Friendly sometimes and opposite at others. I didn't know the wives before being married so can't comment how they behaved before. The issues the wives are creating are not existing issues and they are not just with the family. They tend to be with the husband's family AND friends. Basically, they create this toxic environment around them with all. They even have issues with their own family and friends, but I guess they are more willing to tolerate them.

But the discussion I want to have is would you stand by your spouse, even if they are in the wrong because you want to do everything to make the marriage work? Would you cater to your spouse's craziness and demand your other family to cater to the craziness or would you stand up to your spouse and say "no."

[DreamP346]

Are you talking about extended families?

If you are talking about extended families, people can still spend time with their extended family and the spouse can stay home, if they don't want to go to a get together.
Most people spend way more time with their nuclear family than extended families. So how was it such a problem, Dream, with the two families you knew?

The issue is not the family, it is the crazy wife.

I know another couple who had a wife that is very particular. When I spent a vacation together with them, I was required to follow a certain set of rules, like I couldn't come to a certain part of the vacation house because it would disturb his wife who liked to sleep till noon and other such things. Basically, it make me feel very uncomfortable even though this was a vacation we were all sharing. To this guy, making me (and other's who were also vacationing) uncomfortable was more acceptable than getting his wife a tiny bit uncomfortable. All of us felt like we were walking on eggshells around her.

So the question is, how far would you go to keep your spouse happy and calm? Including alienating your family and friends?

[amy40]

Basically, it make me feel very uncomfortable even though this was a vacation we were all sharing.

Sorry, Dream, that your vacation was spoiled. Especially, since everyone's vacation time is valuable and never enough.

[amy40]

Dream.....it's hard to know exactly what you mean by the wives being crazy?

However, when you have guests, it is important for them to feel welcome. It seems you were the guest, so there should have been an effort to make you feel comfortable.

[atskitty2]

Yeah, I guess after your additional comments, I also would like some clarification on what you mean.
I thought I knew what you were driving at, but I'm not so sure.

[DreamP346]

Sorry if I wasn't clear. The discussion is not about these individual situations, but about standing with your spouse, even when they behave rudely, crazy and/or not very nice. Would you stand with your spouse if they were alienating you from your family/friends (your family/friends wan't being bad or anything). Would you rather make them feel uncomfortable instead of upsetting your spouse, even when your spouse is being unreasonable.

So here in an example. This is just an example and I don't really want to analyze this situation, but want to give you a picture. The wife picked a fight with us for no reason. The husband did not try to stop her. He didn't apologize for her behavior. Because of this fight, we stopped contacting them because we felt very uncomfortable around her. A very long and close relationship almost disappeared between us and this husband. Years later, when he was divorced, we all connected again. So it was clear he didn't want to alienate himself from us, but he chose to stand by his wife which resulted in one of his close relationships being severed. We weren't the only group this happened to. So if you were the husband, would you have stood by your spouse or would this have been a huge argument? Would you have tried to maintain relationships that your spouse was jeopardizing? what is more important, keeping your spouse happy, or being able to have relationships beyond your spouse?