[amy40]

N. We met in the service where I remember two of his closest friends giving me red flags. "...chasing around women like a pitbull with a rocket" and "he's not the right kinda guy for you...". And there is where the root of my mistrust begins...

If you went against what you knew deep in your heart, it makes it more difficult to reconcile everything. And you can't change who he is.
Decide if you want to live within the parameters of what you have and make it work for yourself and family. Constantly living in a state of mistrust and fear is no way to live.

One of your posts, you did say your relationship has improved. Do you think it can continue to improve?
How are the kids?

How are you feeling today?

[Melanie O]

We are not married yet. The kids are fine. I always try to avoid arguing in front of them (but that doesn't always happen). I know they cannot grow up living in a house where mom and dad fight just about every week. It's not healthy for them nor us.
It all happened so fast. I got pregnant with my first son within four months of dating. I basically ignored those red flags because back then I thought "je', I'm a widow, nobody is going to cheat on me..." (my late husband had been gone for a year by the time I started dating again). And I didn't go out on a dating spree. I just dated my spouse that I'm with now, whom I don't trust and it hurts me that I can't bring myself to this.
For example, we are planning a trip to Arizona in a few months (his home state)... His single brother (the one who is in the middle of a divorce/the female friends ex), is a womanizer. I know this because everytime their on the phone, he's always talking about some female he's dating. My spouse says its going to be so much fun going on hikes through canyons,etc. He already told me he wants to "get lost" with "the boys" (his brothers). I would not have a problem with this if Id trust him. But I don't. I think he secretly will use that time to meet up with an old ex or something, while I stay behind distracted.
I honestly believe he is a narcissist and he is with me because we have two kids and he doesn't want to give up what we've built so far. He's not emotional. He's said this before. And I just think to myself,, wow, so if he says he feels no emotion,, that means he could betray me whenever he feels like it and not feel bad about it, don't you agree? I need someone that can be fulfilling emotionally and not just physically. One of the few things we have thats's great (besides our kids of course), is the sex. I feel like if we are together we will have just as much problems as if we separate. I know he is going to be hell in a separation. The battle of child custody...

[amy40]

Melanie
you sure have a lot going on
losing your husband, dating, two kids.......you've barely had time to breathe!

in AZ, hoping he will spend a lot of time with you and the kids and not just his brother
maybe you can ask them to drive you all to the grand canyon, and some other sites so he doesn't leave you behind

[atskitty2]

Someone claiming that they are not emotional, doesn't mean they don't feel emotions. It doesn't mean that they have no boundaries or that they have no conscience or are any more likely to do something hurtful. Doesn't mean that they are less trustworthy.

I don't know in what context he said this, but generally it means someone just doesn't show feelings like most people, and doesn't tend to get too wrapped up in their emotional life. Many people are like that, many are men.

It sounds like y'all are not together because you want to be. Seems like the pregnancy caused a sense of obligation and you've stayed together for that reason.

Honestly, I'd probably just separate . Seems like prolonging the inevitable by staying when you are so unhappy together, there's no trust and probably many other serious issues.

[Melanie O]

I recently read a book called, "How to improve your marriage without talking about it" by Patricia Love. It really helped me understand alot of things I thought I knew. I'm trying my best to fix the main problem in my relationship from my part (which is the trust and insecurity). It's only been two weeks, but I think this book has helped me tremendously. I totally recommend it, for anyone struggling in their relationship.
My relationship has been so much better, but I lnow I'm going to have challenges to face and moments where I have to apply what I've learned. All I can say is that no matter what, I know I did everything I possibly can to better my relationship and keep my family together. I'm not trying to play the "vet card", but my partner and I both deployed to Iraq the year before we started dating... and I just think there's so many things we need to fix but the important part is that we realize the problem and insist on a solution.

[Melanie O]

Something else happened today and I would like some opinions on. Ok, so my spouse spoke with his friend today while I was gone all morning. And that's ok. He told me about some of the things they talked about which is cool. What bothers me is that they were talking about sex! She was telling him about her sex life with his brother (her ex), that it was good but that he would come too soon... I asked him how in the world did they end up talking about their sex life. He said they were just talking random stuff. It was such a coincidence to have this hot topic when I wasn't home. She is a big flirt on FB. Sometimes posting memes that make me think she is really refering to him. She was telling him that she believes humans are not meant to be in monogamous relationships. Am I supposed to be concerned? I think the conversation was a little too deep and personal.

[atskitty2]

It doesn't sound alarming in this context, to me. I have had male friends for years. Conversation often winds up with sex. Random sexual topics or more personal stuff. It tends to get to that point because that's what's on our minds at that time, not because there's underlying sexual tension between us. I used to have a male friend that was very much like a brother. We talked sex and I had absolutely no attraction to him.

Hon, if you don't trust your man, why do you stay? I personally don't think I could stand wondering constantly about what every conversation was about or what it "really means"... Or what her social media posts were about. That much energy invested is just too much.

And again, going back to what BD said about following your gut. If this is instinct, listen to it and follow it. Now. Stop tormenting yourself. Don't overthink. It either is or isn't a problem.

I've been on the receiving end of a partner with deep trust issues. It is exhausting, and it damages relationships.

[Melanie O]

I DIVORCED HIM IN SEPTEMBER OF 2019 !!! AND YES IM SO, SO HAPPY !!

He has a new wife and new kid with her. I'm still single and raising our kids...

I just wanted to come back here after so long and say thank you all for taking the time to reply and read on my situation. You all contributed to my better being. You're awesome and if you are reading this please lets not forget we only live once and remember to TRUST YOUR INTUITION. It is there for a reason. Air hugs! Stay Safe!

[jns]

Congratulations on getting your freedom back and clearing your mind. Best wishes on the future. One thing left open from the prior posts was the child custody issue. Was that settled to your satisfaction?

[Wednesday L.F.]

Wow. I'm delighted to see that you left him. This thread was so depressing, and thrilled to see that it worked out. Lesson: trust your instincts.