[amy40]

any younger than 10 or so I'd be really leary of having them see too much.

agree Claret; our kid is under ten and also young (immature) for age

[a_dub]

agree, think that is good and we do hug and kiss in front of child

husband doesn't want to be accidently walked in on and he is so afraid kid will wake

Coming from a conservative Indian family background, my parents never did any PDA. Of course they had a pretty terrible relationship all along (arranged marriage and met each other for the first time 2 hours before they got married). I think most immigrant brown parents are like that. A good friend of mine is Pakistani and married to a white woman and he was telling me how I was the one who was abnormal for thinking PDA is weird. I don't know why, but PDA makes me feel uncomfortable if its my friends doing it (if it were strangers, I'd grab some popcorn, lol). And I'm so thankful I never had to see PDA at home. I guess its a cultural thing.

I wonder how most posters here felt when seeing their parents hug or kiss and how they feel doing it in front of their children.

[jns]

First, this is about what I saw in my home, not how my parents acted in public, which was fairly conservative.

I felt a bit silly/goofy but I did not feel it was inappropriate. In fact I was happy my father and mother still enjoyed being physically together. I guess in a way it made me sure we had a stable family. It did get them into trouble, though since I have a brother 12 years younger than me and a sister 8 1/2 years younger. Both were not planned. The relationship couldn't have been too bad because it lasted almost 60 years until the death of my father.

I think that the displays of affection are good training for the children so that they know what they are supposed to do in relationships when they get older. The displays are also assurance to the children about the permanence of the relationship.

Your Pakistani friend is bridging the gap between the older style and the newer style. You are still more comfortable with the older style. If you find the right girl who you want to chase and follow, you will be surprised how much you will question your actions if she wants to do things differently. You may end up having one face for your family and another one more privately.

[jns]

Of course they had a pretty terrible relationship all along (arranged marriage and met each other for the first time 2 hours before they got married).

I had a coworker from India who went back to marry his wife in an arranged marriage. He went off to work somewhere else not long after, but he and his wife seemed to get along. I've seen arranged marriage in Cambodia and even been asked my opinion since I had met both the bride and the groom. They seemed to be well matched, but there is always some give and take in a marriage. The old style was for the groom to live with the bride's family for two years before getting their own place. That way the bride's father could continue to protect his daughter while making sure the son-in-law had the knowledge of two families. He also got free labor for the two years.

I know that this is hard to do, but do you have some ideas why and where your parent's marriage broke down?

[a_dub]

I know that this is hard to do, but do you have some ideas why and where your parent's marriage broke down?

Yeah arranged marriages CAN work. But it requires a bit of luck and a lot of foresight. Two commodities most people don't have in abundance.

Regarding my parents, there was never any shared values between my parents. They were never on the same page about pretty everything. They argue about just about everything, but the crux of the problem is financial. My mom wants things like new furniture, an air conditioner that works, and a new washing machine when the old one finally stops working. My dad doesn't think a new washing machine is affordable on a 6-figure salary, or that AC is really necessary when its only 95 degress outside, and wants to make sure they have enough
money to pay for his 2nd cousin's daughter's wedding back in the village in India.

[a_dub]

Your Pakistani friend is bridging the gap between the older style and the newer style. You are still more comfortable with the older style. If you find the right girl who you want to chase and follow, you will be surprised how much you will question your actions if she wants to do things differently. You may end up having one face for your family and another one more privately.

Yeah my friend's parents are way more conservative than mine. My parents never engage in PDA...and I'm certain they never did any private displays of affection either - asides from having me and siblings. But my buddy's folks don't even want him and his wife to sit on the same sofa when they go over to visit. Thats the kind of stuff that would make a great sitcom on TV, but its real life for a lot of brown people (especially Muslims).

[jns]

My mom wants things like new furniture, an air conditioner that works, and a new washing machine when the old one finally stops working. My dad doesn't think a new washing machine is affordable on a 6-figure salary, or that AC is really necessary when its only 95 degress outside, and wants to make sure they have enough
money to pay for his 2nd cousin's daughter's wedding back in the village in India.

It sounds like your dad is still more concerned for his extended family than with his nuclear family. Kind of us versus them. How does this fit with Islam? In Old Testament, a man was supposed to cleave unto his wife. I thought that the Old Testament was common (with some variation) to Christianity, Judaism and Islam. What is his true justification for his actions? Does he gain some sort of status for doing this? Or is it something such as spite?

[a_dub]

It sounds like your dad is still more concerned for his extended family than with his nuclear family. Kind of us versus them. How does this fit with Islam? In Old Testament, a man was supposed to cleave unto his wife. I thought that the Old Testament was common (with some variation) to Christianity, Judaism and Islam. What is his true justification for his actions? Does he gain some sort of status for doing this? Or is it something such as spite?

In Islam, a man is responsible for anyone who needs assistance. But there is no "if someone asks for your coat, give him your shirt too". But a married man has his wife and children as his first and foremost responsibility. Its a very simple concept that unfortunately many men from that part of the world don't understand. If you feel that your parents are owed some % of your money, don't get married unless your wife is aware of that and is OK with it, and you still have enough left over to cover her needs.

So its actual quite anti-thetical to the teachings of Islam. But its more about ego (when in a dispute with one's spouse) and also just about a totally different set of values. He feels like his parents, siblings, etc are his primary family.

[amy40]

It's good for parents to keep their business to themselves to some extent, but it's not good for anybody if a couple isn't bonding. .

it had been over a week, so don't think it was out of line for me to want sex last night
while we were at pumpkin fest with kid I kept whispering stuff in husband's ear so he knew

instead he went out to get a beer
so this morn (kid was still asleep) I wanted answers and he said it was too hot etc and I said "just excuses"

[amy40]

made mistake of saying we need to go to counselling and he said ok