[askingforafriend]

My friend is in such a confusing state right now. She has been with her husband for 9 years. Married about 4. 2 kids (4 and 3m). Recently she has found out by accident that he has been looking at violent sexual websites. He has confessed that he has been interested in them for 20 years and that he fantasises about hurting her and others sexually. She has woken to him many times during the night already naked with him having sex with her, he says this is ok because he is her husband. This week she has found that he is a member of multiple "hook up" sites including swingers sites and has indicated in his profile that he is interested in women, couples, cross dressers and transsexuals. There is evidence of him being on these sites while she was in hospital on bed rest prior to the birth of their last child. He has admitted some of this and offered to get professional help (but has done nothing about actually getting this help) some of it he has lied about saying that he was hacked despite his details being on multiple sites and emails going daily to his email account. I'm interested to know if others think this behaviour is okay. I obviously think that it is not. My friend did have a traumatic childhood and I worry that she is in a relationship where she is manipulated and treated poorly. I told her that I would post this question on a forum so that she can read the replies and get some opinions other than mine. What would you do?

[Stillness]

What she thinks is more important. What does she think?

I don't understand how people can have sex with the other person sleeping unless they're drugged, but I don't think it's that uncommon for married people to start doing stuff to each other when one is sleep. It happens with us and it's not a big deal.

[atskitty2]

Is she able to have a calm, rational discussion with him about all this? If she's too upset, I'd encourage her to wait until she's calmed down a bit, get her thoughts and priorities in line and sit down to discuss this. Is he already engaging in sex with others? Is it BDSM he wants with her, or does he want to hurt her? (There's a distinction I'm trying to draw there)
Many other things could be brought up, based on her own need for answers. I think STD/sti and the potential for violence is my first thought here.
I actually don't think sleep sex is uncommon. However, if one partner hasn't consented to that while awake, it's inappropriate, married or not.

This is something that will likely need the outside help of a professional counselor, to help navigate the path forward.

Would she be willing to join us here? We may be able to help and at least lend support, tho I think a counselor is her best option.

[askingforafriend]

Thanks for your replies. She has not consented to sex while she is asleep. If she wakes and resists he holds her down, sometimes with his hand around her throat. She has discussed this with her therapist who feels that she may disassociate while this is happening due to her childhood experiences. When she tries to discuss this with him he says it wont happen again...........but it does.

She doesn't know if he is actually meeting up with people as he is denying the whole thing despite it being there in black and white. But isn't the intent bad enough, whether he has or has not met up with these people (there are replies to his advertisements) seems inconsequential if his intention was to cheat behind her back.

She doesn't know what to think. He controls their finances, who she is friends with, he is very unsupportive in everything she does, puts her down tells her she hasn't been able to do things in the past so why try now, that she doesn't follow through with things. Discourages her from seeing a therapist, saying that they cant help her.

She thinks that other people have lives like this, I would argue that this is not a healthy marriage.

My hope is that by getting some opinions from other people that are outside of her real life she can see what other people think.

[atskitty2]

Did her counselor not suggest that this is rape???

If she is resisting and he continues, it is at least assault, and very likely rape that is occuring in those instances. If she has a history of abuse, I'm not surprised she is in an abusive relationship.

This is not normal and healthy to me at all. I wouldn't spend another night in the home with him. She would do well to get her children and herself out of there, and never look back.

I was asking whether he's having relationships outside because that goes a level beyond and she needs to protect herself at an even greater level if that's the case, and get tested.

[Texasred]

What he's doing is not merely wrong, it's bad wrong, and he's seriously sick, badly disturbed.
If she stays with him, and he makes no SERIOUS effort to change, she shares his sickness.
which is fine if no kids are involved, but there ARE!

[Stillness]

She thinks that other people have lives like this

She's right. People have dysfunctional relationships. They mentally and physically abuse one another, rape one another, cheat on each other, create fear in their own homes, and even murder those closest to them.

On the other hand, there are people who have issues, but NEVER abuse, cheat, or harm one another. Their home is a haven with peace, trust, laughter, family, and friendship. I've been married for 17 years and we have never, ever hurt each other. There has never been one violent incident. When someone says stop, the other person stops immediately, because we love each other and know how to show love.

We have had disagreements, hurt feelings, mistakes, and struggles, but we work past them. Any two humans will have friction. That's what's normal. The one person that's supposed to be for you and you alone acting like an enemy is not normal. It really doesn't have to be that way.

My parents (mother and stepfather) have been married ten years longer than us. They're probably our closest companions and the relationship I'm most familiar with besides my own. They did have a physical incident a few years after they married. What they agree on is that my stepfather pushed her. He says she got physical first. She didn't seem to disagree, but she left him anyway. She wanted to make it clear that she wasn't tolerating a man abusing her. They got back together and as far as I know, that has never happened again. My mother told me after she left my natural father, that she's easy-going, but she's not going to have any man run over her. She's shown me that with her actions and I respect her deeply for living it all my 42 years.

When someone isn't showing you love and respect, you sometimes have to demand it or leave them behind. You have to love yourself...not just for the children, but for your own sake.

[Baboy]

What he's doing is not merely wrong, it's bad wrong, and he's seriously sick, badly disturbed.
If she stays with him, and he makes no SERIOUS effort to change, she shares his sickness.
which is fine if no kids are involved, but there ARE!

That pretty much sums it up.

[Popcorn&Candy]

It's a violent, abusive relationship. It is as simple as that. He is badly disturbed and sick. She needs to get out. But that decision has to come from her side. Maybe as she came from an abusive home, she sees violence in a relationship as normal: it is called victim psychology. Some part of her believes that is how love is shown. Or maybe she feels that is all she deserves. She will need serious counselling and help to leave the violent marriage. She can't do it alone: I would advise she telephone a domestic violence helpline and talk with them. There are very serious emotional issues here and have to be dealt with by a professional.

[kay0009]

It's hard to say because we aren't the ones who are in love with him or have a history with him. I imagine something like this would be hard on anybody who's been in a relationship with someone that long and just recently found something like this out. If she's willing to offer him help, then that's great. But saying "it's okay, because I'm your husband" does NOT make it okay if she did not give consent. No matter how long they've been married. It does sound like he needs help & he needs someone to push him to the point of seeking help, but it's ultimately up to her whether she decides she wants to be the one to help him through it or leave him.