[moonshadow48]

Quote:
Originally Posted by rcoreyus [IMG]womens-health/boards/womens-health/boards/images/buttons/viewpost.gif[/IMG]
Just picking up a phone and using it is fine. Opening a credit card statement to look for some charge is fine. But, going through the recent calls list, or scrutinizing records with the express purpose of trying to find out what your spouse has been up to I think is not OK.

"The innocent have nothing to fear" has a bad history.

I did go through his recent phone list. He however goes through mine all the time. So if I had I think what is good for the goose....
But I was scrolling through to look for my daughters name so i could text her. I list mine first name first and just have to hit the number until it gets to the right name for the first letter in the first name. I don't know how he has it.
It is not like I picked it up when he wasn't around and hid somewhere and looked through missed calls, received calls,texts sent or received. I was right in front of him. And with all his recent activities (read other posts I have) I now look at every call on the bills when they come in he brought that on himself. It is to bad I have to because for the 20 years we have been married I never even looked I just paid it. By the way it is in my name and I pay the bill so I am not going through his bills. I am not paying for his calls to and from "his sister" ex girlfriend or the texts. I don't go through his credit card bills he pays them himself.
I don't have anything to fear

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Okay,....

What about body language?

You picked up the phone in front of him and started scrolling.....

Was his reaction immediate? Or delayed..?

Did his body language to you ( as you know him ) feel like, what are you doing with my phone? Defense in other words, thinking that maybe, you may be about to spill to the others? So, looking for something?

Or, something to hide?

I'm asking this, re-reading, noting that he makes a joke about your daugther and you tell him he doesn't want to go there, then he shuts up?

See, problem is he could have feared what you would do next, and suspicsion creates, a mould of others.

I just can't comprehend him texting her, your daughter, not finding the name and passing it back so you can say what "you want to say"......still holding his phone....

Has he done this before?

CW

[rcoreyus]

I agree that if she just picked up the phone to use it - no problem. If she was scrolling through the list for some other reason than spying, also no problem (only she knows her intent).

As Chandler posted, attitude is important. We can't see what happened.

My objection to to intentional spying is that if you keep it up, you will eventually find something that appears to be ing. If you just run across information while doing other things, you are less likelyto jump to conclusions when you see something that appears suspicious.

I don't think she mentioned going through his list. She simply picked up his phone to use it and he snatched it away from her. To me that implies there is something he doesn't want her to see.


What I am saying is there should be nothing in a marriage that one partner doesn't want the other to find out about. I should have a right to ask just as my partner has a right to ask me.

[moonshadow48]

Okay,....

What about body language?

You picked up the phone in front of him and started scrolling.....

Was his reaction immediate? Or delayed..?

Did his body language to you ( as you know him ) feel like, what are you doing with my phone? Defense in other words, thinking that maybe, you may be about to spill to the others? So, looking for something?

Or, something to hide?

I'm asking this, re-reading, noting that he makes a joke about your daugther and you tell him he doesn't want to go there, then he shuts up?

See, problem is he could have feared what you would do next, and suspicsion creates, a mould of others.

I just can't comprehend him texting her, your daughter, not finding the name and passing it back so you can say what "you want to say"......still holding his phone....

Has he done this before?

CW



I can tell from the way he was asking that he seemed afraid I may see something that he doesn't want me to. The reaction was delayed like seeing what I was doing and then noticing I was scrolling thru something (just looking for daughters name) And even after telling him what I was doing he kept trying to see and asking. So that is when I just said forget it and put the phone back on the table.
I didn't want to discuss it any further at that moment because i am quite sure he wouldn't want a scene in front of everyone just as I wouldn't. But he wasn't making a joke when he said I was upset that he didn't let me text my daughter with his phone. Because the people that were there and know me well are the only ones that could tell I was aggitated, he was making it a point to let them know what he felt the reason I was mad was. I don't bring drama or air my business like that, so I just didn't reply and talked with him later.
He tried to blow it off like he just wanted to help me but we both have the same kind of phone so I know how to use it. I could tell it was for sure fear I would see something. One of my other daughters was there and afterwards looked at me and just mouthed "WTF?" so she picked up on it as well.
Looking back before I found out what he was up to, I had started to notice him looking over my shoulder when I was on the internet, looking to see who had called me or who i called. If I got a text he would try to find out who from. He had never done that before.
I guess it is true that when you cheat you have to create lies and coverups so often that you are always on the look out.
Every time I try to forget what he did and move on he does something that throws up another flag.

[jeanjane]

His hidden something from you and is being secretive. Of course you need to know the truth. This is like a vicious circle because finding out what is going on with him will become all encompasing. I feel for you. It's awful not knowing the truth. I would do whatever you could to find out whats going on. You owe that to yourself.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Well, what can i say...

Your a strong woman, whom is not out there to totally look here, there, but need answers and he's just not forthcoming and giving so many signals that it's as the above person said, becoming all encompasing.

Why not just tell him to spill, full stop of get out full stop....

You can't keep going on and on and on....

CW

[rcoreyus]

You may not have anything to fear, but a lot of people do. I bet that a lot fo the posters on this discussion group would not want their posts public. They may not have done anything wrong (though some have), but still exposure would be bad.

I guess I'll claim that some good people make mistakes and do have something to fear.

. I don't go through his credit card bills he pays them himself.
I don't have anything to fear

[CHANDLERS WISH]

You may not have anything to fear, but a lot of people do. I bet that a lot fo the posters on this discussion group would not want their posts public. They may not have done anything wrong (though some have), but still exposure would be bad.

I guess I'll claim that some good people make mistakes and do have something to fear.

Yes, i guess in haste, "we can't go on,with suspicious minds", hey?

Your Right, in that respect.... as usual.....

A simple thing can turn into a mountain of things, when you are covering a "simple thing"...

Geez, ..... so what's the solution?

See sometimes a battle of the minds is very enlightening......

Still nothing is easy to work out sometimes hey?

CW

[rcoreyus]

I think sometimes there just aren't good solutions. I don't think there is any way to know for sure that your spouse isn't cheating. Often your gut reaction will be right - but not always. Searching records doesn't help as much as you might think: innocent things can look very bad - and blatent cheating may not be obvious (How would you know if he was screwing one of his co-workers 3 lunch days a week, rather than going running).

We could have a society with universal surveillance, where everyone could watch everyone else all the time. Would practically eliminate crime - and make cheating impossible. But - is the complete loss of privacy worth it?

[CM2008]

If you suspect your spouse of cheating, why would you not try to find out? In a relationship, especially one of a long time, there must be a reason if you are suspecting something. When you've been with someone for a long time, you know them. So if you think something is not right, there's a good possiblility you are correct. No one is going to say that they are cheating (unless they want you to leave them). They will come up with lie after lie to cover things up. Eventually you'll see enough clues and put two and two together.

A relationship has got to have trust. You trust that a spouse will remain faithful. But that's not always the case. I agree that you have the right to check to validate the situation (if you suspect something is going on). If there's nothing going on, that's great, now back to life. No harm done. At least you are not living in doubt and distrust. You need the truth. I'd say trust your instincts.