[rcoreyus]

There are a number of stories of people who became suspicious and spied on their spouses - and found out that something was up.

Anyone ever started spying on their spouse and decided that in fact nothing was going on and to trust their spouse again?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Actually, that's probably why i'm 50/50 there to check, and then never dispute again.

He is not my spouse and he lives thousand of miles away but how do i know he is whom he is?

Trust?

One would hope so...

But one day i was checking my own post replies on a site and we both had gone silent on that site. All of a sudden he was active?

Instead of trusting and asking, (ok) i know, i blabbered on...

Turned out, that as we are also in different time zones, he did not have access to MSN at work for chats, but could log into a web site and chat, so did with an old friend.

Bugger.

From that day onwards, i said in future i will ask and never do the mis-trust again, sorry,.

He continued chatting as well for a while and went off, nothing to hide... and i never questioned it... from there. I think he just logged in to see if i would bring it up again or whether i was true to my word.

I would go on to read our very first messages, romantic person, what can i say. But, due to me saying trust, i have never gone back, to even read my own messages, as then it would be dis-trust somehow even though i wasn't checking up, it just would be... So, alas, i haven't.

That was some time ago and i have never gone back to check, and i don't believe i have to .

But you know, perhaps in my circumstances i can be forgiven there, as he could have been a serial dater, one in every port and it's not like he's here with me and i was checking.

More for checking the honesty due to distance first.

Hope that makes sense.

That was 4 months or so ago.

As i said, different circumstances.

But hense 50/50 as to well i did, i think it was valid, more like establishing and certainly different circumstances, in my instance, protecting myself but fact is i did it.

[moonshadow48]

wouldn't have to snoop if......

You don't - you reevaluate your relationship, and decide whether you trust him or not. If you don't trust him, then end your relationship.

I'm a guy, and if I found out you'd been snooping around behind my back it's a kick in the behind for you - relationship over.

Short version: I won't tell you.

I have been with him for 23 years, married for 20 of those years. We have 5 children together, and would not just want to throw away a relationship without proof.
Why am I trying to search? I recently found out that he had a past relationship with someone that he lied and said was part of his extended family and like a sister to him. I completely believed that was all she was and so was never jealous or looking for anything. However all of a sudden he had shown me an email from her daughter (part of all the HALF truths I had been told) and I just happen to see at the very top of the email before he could scroll down fast enough the words "IS THIS SAFE?"
RED FLAG. So yes while he wasn't home I went back and looked again at the email (I set it all up so I have the PW and all) and the other half truth appeared in the form of an attached pic at the bottom of the email indicating that the "sister" hadn't been a sister all along instead an old girlfriend. Gee i guess that is why the last time she was here (lives in FL) she had asked him why I wasn't jealous!! And he told me she said that (keeping up that half truth) And my reply was (as anyone who knows me at all knows) I am not jealous of anyone, why should I be. After all she was like a "sister" to him!
So I looked at the cell phone bill details on line ( had never before just paid it) and there was call after call to and from between them. texts too!
I called him out on it. He said he didn't know why he had been doing it or why he lied and didn't tell me she had been his girlfirend ( For Christ's sake i know he had a life before me). He says that he told her that he can no longer talk to her or anything because he values his relationship with me. He doesn't want to lose me and realizes he has a good thing. I him what changed between when he was doing it and now I haven't done a thing differently. What made him realize that? The fact I found out or that he really does realize. Or was it that he doesn't want to lose all the material things that being with me has brought him? He said it is me he doesn't want to lose.
Why am I still wondering? Because I had also seen a message to the daughter just after I found out that stated don't reply to this until I can find an alternative way of communicating or change passwords, whatever. Also said if I happened to let her brothers know or her husband (he was afraid I would call them, because one of her emails said they too were wondering what was up with her on her end) to just try to explain it as I was extremely jealous which leads me to believe they don't know the whole story either (maybe he's like a "brother to her") but have seen she to is sneaking around.
She lives in FL and so there has only been maybe one or two times anything other than talking could have happened and OF COURSE he swears nothing physical happened.
I don't accuse without proof.
As to the statement that you are a guy and if you found out I had been snooping behind your back it would be a kick in my behind... relationship over.
Well in this case I have already found out a few things. I DID TRUST HIM and for 23 years never questioned or looked for anything. He basically (with his half truths to try to cover up the real truth) showed everything to me. I just went back and confirmed because I would never accuse without proof. And relationship over that will be my choice. i am not worried about anything at all financially as I make far more than he does. I am not worried about my kids, they would be upset but they are all grown. I want to make sure that he isn't taking my trust or willingness to forgive for granted because it will be me that delivers that kick in the butt... relationship over. You seem to be assuming I NEED him. I have never needed anyone. But you don't just stop loving someone. I have spent half my life with this man.

So what I am looking for is how you find out if someone is posting on singles sites or if there is another email address out there that he is using. Because really if I just come out and ask do you really think he would tell me? Because i have made it very clear if there is anything else I'm out.

[anonymouswhitefemale]

He could still have an emotional connection to his ex, and why shouldn't he? Many of us cut ties with previous partners, even though we still care for them, just to quell the petty insecurites that your current partner might have. I might have felt like he couldn't tell you she was his ex, as you'd act jealous and try to spoil things. Nothing bad necessarily did happen.

I'm pretty sure there would be someone else if you look hard enough for it, anway.

[moonshadow48]

He could still have an emotional connection to his ex, and why shouldn't he? Many of us cut ties with previous partners, even though we still care for them, just to quell the petty insecurites that your current partner might have. I might have felt like he couldn't tell you she was his ex, as you'd act jealous and try to spoil things. Nothing bad necessarily did happen.

I'm pretty sure there would be someone else if you look hard enough for it, anway.[

Are you for real? Did you not read what I wrote? His ex wife he was married to for 8 years comes to our house, we all talk all the time. This was an ex girlfriend from 30 years ago. Don't you think there was a reason she was his ex and he married someone else back then?
Like I said I don't act jealous. And she is the last person i would be jealous of. She is a poor girl who lives in FL with a husband that beats her and does heroin. Yeah I would be real jealous of that. ohhh take me there! She has been divorced 3 times before this marriage. So she is just as much to blame as my husband. She wants what I have.
Like I would leave that for her!
oh and I wasn't asking your permission I was asking how to

[rcoreyus]

to Chandler's wish (don't want to quote all of that).

Now that you've found out that your suspicions on one occasion were not true, do you feel you can trust him now? If you see signs of something else suspicious will you investigate?

I'm not complaining here at all - just trying to understand motivations.

I've seen hints that my wife has cheated - and she certainly has seen hints that I might have (I haven't). I think though that if either of us investigated these, we would eventually find evidence (not true in my case, presumably not true in her's) that the other had cheated.

Things can look really bad, yet be OK:

I travel to another state frequently to deal with family issues. For a while we got constant calls / messages from some woman in that state (not family), who just wanted to speak to me, not my wife. Obvious big red flag: but - turns out the woman was a nurse at my father's nursing home and was considering legal action after she was fired over an incident involving my father.

I've found another man's hairbrush in the bathroom (with hair that doesn't match either mine or my spouses). This is a friend fo both of ours who goes running, and would sometimes stop by our place to shower, then go out to lunch with my wife when I was out of town. No worries as far as I'm concerned.

Maybe checking once is enough. But, I think that if you keep checking, you will eventually find something, so may as well just give up before all of the distress.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

to Chandler's wish (don't want to quote all of that).

Now that you've found out that your suspicions on one occasion were not true, do you feel you can trust him now? If you see signs of something else suspicious will you investigate?

In all of my relationships, marriage i never once checked anything, no mobiles, no letters, no women i saw talking to my guy when i exited a toilet...

My first boyfriend, cheated buy my attitude was well youth, and he's mine not hers. Bit open minded back then...(except the last time) ONCE.

I see your point here..... (Gee i managed an Investigation Firm 10 years ago), lol... No, as much as i would think ( intuition or past employment) i would stick to my word and discuss...... he didn't come out and give me the full story the last time, he just said, i've done nothing wrong, i was talking to a friend,I am waiting to meet you:- Your call.... mmm... see didn't like feeling non trust, and for that reason, he stood his ground and i will stand by my word as i trust him. There was no giberish, or weeding in and out of sentences...... and then i discussed.

So i think ONCE can be done.

What's in our minds? Surely you question? I don't think there is room for QUESTION, honesty/communication:- therefore trust.


I'm not complaining here at all - just trying to understand motivations.

I understand that... Motivations? Well, i think mine was clear, the site he went back on was a dating agency site? That hurt... I felt used initially as you would... until established.

Then ****** at the end, ......

And, this may be something others need to answer pertaining to 'MOTIVATIONS", as i wasn't actually checking up on him, rather reading our first conversations together in the "in box" and saw last log in... yesterday...

I've seen hints that my wife has cheated - and she certainly has seen hints that I might have (I haven't). I think though that if either of us investigated these, we would eventually find evidence (not true in my case, presumably not true in her's) that the other had cheated.

Things can look really bad, yet be OK:

I travel to another state frequently to deal with family issues. For a while we got constant calls / messages from some woman in that state (not family), who just wanted to speak to me, not my wife. Obvious big red flag: but - turns out the woman was a nurse at my father's nursing home and was considering legal action after she was fired over an incident involving my father.

I've found another man's hairbrush in the bathroom (with hair that doesn't match either mine or my spouses). This is a friend fo both of ours who goes running, and would sometimes stop by our place to shower, then go out to lunch with my wife when I was out of town. No worries as far as I'm concerned.

You also run the risk of one person saying haha, i can get away with anything because your never going to ask me? Don't you think?


See how easy it is for a WOMAN to start thinking? ( Your male friend should never have lunch with your wife when you are out of town to ensure there is no suspicion)...

This is how women feel, think... and yes, it can blow out of proportion.

In my Opinion it's HONESTY/COMMUNICATION & TRUST, not one.

If you have the first two, you won't worry about the third one.

So you won't start doubting or checking or re-checking.


Maybe checking once is enough. But, I think that if you keep checking, you will eventually find something, so may as well just give up before all of the distress.

Agreed ... Sometimes you need closure and satisfaction as well. I do whole heartedly agree with NOT CHECKING MOBILE PHONES/INTERNETS of your partner that's not on... Personal space.

I do agree if something is so supiscious and you mull it over and over and can't get any positive thoughts of what it could be, then you may ONCE check it, then communicate and ask ....

CW

[C]

From what I can gather this would put both of you well into your 50's....Now at that age whether he would want to bed down a former girlfriend, is a little far out...That is unless she is a real hot babe...I would think you should be able to find this out just by knowing the type of sexual relationship that you have with him...Is it hot or is it strained? Has the heat wore off or is he just going through the motions? You can drive yourself mad trying to figure this out by yourself...His actions with you should tell a story....I know my husband could never hide this from me....

I really hurt for you, for I know how hard these ages are for a woman...You fight for youth caught in this mid life crisis...Then add to this, there is always another woman that wants to take your place...I wish you well...

Take care, Caroline

[CHANDLERS WISH]

[

QUOTE] moonshadow48
So what I am looking for is how you find out if someone is posting on singles sites or if there is another email address out there that he is using. Because really if I just come out and ask do you really think he would tell me? Because i have made it very clear if there is anything else I'm out.

See, got confused with your initial thread, i thought he was chacing your around the forums.....

Mmmm.... you have made it clear to him. But then he went and engaged in discussing things with the daughter and told her to "wait until he had a new email address or something of that effect" which you read somewhere? Therefore, you have in fact caught him out again?

Isn't that all the proof you want? Why do you need to find his accounts and read more?

I think it's time that he told you why this old relationship/friendship now includes the daughter, is so valuable to him that he will risk his 23 year marriage?

Because that is what i see.

This is eating at you 10 fold, your searching, lurking, hoping for more evidence how horrid is that? You have what you need, you already have the proof twice.

It's hard but it's in black and white, just not the reason? He seems hell bent on this?
Doesn't he?

CW

[Fallen1]

I think it's time that he told you why this old relationship/friendship now includes the daughter, is so valuable to him that he will risk his 23 year marriage?

I was wondering the same thing, actually I was wondering if she could possibly be his because if she wasn't I find it a bit odd that she is so involved. I guess I just always seem to think of the worst scenario in situations.