[jeanjane]

I thought I had good relationship with my fiance for the last 2 years and I began to become suspicious again with his internet activities. I caught him online when we started dating chatting with other women and he said he'd stop (after i broke it off with him). This time... I ran a computer program that told me what he was doing and I got more then I ever imagined. (no regrets about spying - I'd never have known if I hadn't)

Not only is he talking with other women, but hes talking with men too. One conversation after another talking about sex with other men and several times he tried to meet them for "coffee". The thing that shocked me the most is in several of these chats with men, is he wanted to dress up as a woman and become the man's .. as he calls it "bit*ch, and takes on the womens role. He's not just talking sex with them but talks about kissing, cuddling, laying in bed for hours etc. I know the "live and let live" that many people will say is going on.. that he's not "bi" bicurious" or anything... that people are people. I agree there are fantasies and some people wonder about the same sex at times. But to me this is more then that. Until you are the one that is with the man you're in love knowing he wants to be with another man and wear a wig, dress, and be the female with another man, you just can't imagine how it feels, nor what to do. I worry about disease... and more so I look at this man who was my lover, and now see him acting feminine dressed as a woman with another man. People feel how the feel, if he's attracted to men...then he is. Not in a million years would I have thought this would happen (he's one to vacilate from making somewhat homphobic remarks one minute to being Mr. Inclusive and saying he has nothing against "them".) I'm not a homophobe... you are who you are, you're attracted to who you're attracted to. I just don't think I can marry a man... A. that I can't trust to go out on me with men or women... B. I look at him now like someone I don't know and I want a man that want's women and not both. Sorry to sound like I'm not being open minded... but until it happens to you, you have no idea how you will feel. I don't know what to do. I havent told him I know yet.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Hun,

I'm not going to go into the spy thing.

But i am going to say, okay, you have information you don't like the information, it's not for you, you don't trust him, he could be bi, your not happy, go and run, now....

And, visit the doctor whilst your at it, as he may have already met one, dressed up and became his b........h...

CW

[ChelseaRenee]

I thought I had good relationship with my fiance for the last 2 years and I began to become suspicious again with his internet activities. I caught him online when we started dating chatting with other women and he said he'd stop (after i broke it off with him). This time... I ran a computer program that told me what he was doing and I got more then I ever imagined. (no regrets about spying - I'd never have known if I hadn't)

Not only is he talking with other women, but hes talking with men too. One conversation after another talking about sex with other men and several times he tried to meet them for "coffee". The thing that shocked me the most is in several of these chats with men, is he wanted to dress up as a woman and become the man's .. as he calls it "bit*ch, and takes on the womens role. He's not just talking sex with them but talks about kissing, cuddling, laying in bed for hours etc. I know the "live and let live" that many people will say is going on.. that he's not "bi" bicurious" or anything... that people are people. I agree there are fantasies and some people wonder about the same sex at times. But to me this is more then that. Until you are the one that is with the man you're in love knowing he wants to be with another man and wear a wig, dress, and be the female with another man, you just can't imagine how it feels, nor what to do. I worry about disease... and more so I look at this man who was my lover, and now see him acting feminine dressed as a woman with another man. People feel how the feel, if he's attracted to men...then he is. Not in a million years would I have thought this would happen (he's one to vacilate from making somewhat homphobic remarks one minute to being Mr. Inclusive and saying he has nothing against "them".) I'm not a homophobe... you are who you are, you're attracted to who you're attracted to. I just don't think I can marry a man... A. that I can't trust to go out on me with men or women... B. I look at him now like someone I don't know and I want a man that want's women and not both. Sorry to sound like I'm not being open minded... but until it happens to you, you have no idea how you will feel. I don't know what to do. I havent told him I know yet.

Oh my god, hun...I am so sorry you had to go through that. I understand completely. It's never happened to me but if it had, I'd be feeling all the same feelings you're going through, and in fact, it seems to me you're feeling better about it than I would be. You're right, people have fantasies. But to marry a man who wants to "dress up as a woman and be another man's b.t.c.h", uhhh. Yeah, NOT happening in my book. I know for a fact there are going to be some people here running to his defense and saying it's all fantasy and calling you wrong for snooping (which yeah, you were) BUT HELLO! If anyone brings that up you're silly. What she found out is 2384789237x more wrong and shocking than someone snooping. Clearly, she had a reason to be suspicious.

I think the next logical step is talk to him. Do not hint. Don't beat around the bush. Say, yeah, I was snooping, it was wrong, and I found this out. Don't let him change the subject by causing a fight about your snooping because right now, that problem should be on the back burner. It's wrong, but a million times LESS wrong than the stuff he's doing. Ask him WHY he did it, because his reaction (after anger) will be to apologize, apologize, apologize. Don't let him just say I'm sorry and I'll never do it again and leave it at that, because the issues will never be resolved and it'll keep happening well into your marriage, should you choose to go on with it.

Best of luck, I mean it. Keep us updated so we know how you're doing.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I hope i didn't sound to incensitive in my post to you.


I said what i did because you caught him out when you were "dating" and left him. You took him back, and he has hurt you again.

I appreciate that this is a bit different than catching him watching things that you may not be open minded to, rather you have read conversations that are pertaining to meeting a man and being his b.....c..

That frankly scared me a little for you in regards to your safety...

It may have already occured is what i was trying to say.

But the fact that he has been disrespectful to you now on two occasions, this time your are engaged to him.

I think you are correct. Don't marry him.

And i dont' personally believe he is worthy of talking to about it. As i said, he has been "asking" for sex from a man, not thinking or watching it, asking.

I do feel for you, so again, sorry if i sounded incensitive there.

I agree with Chelsea regarding the snooping, that's why i said, i won't go there...

Take care, you are more important, you only live once and it should be a happy love filled life.

CW

[ChelseaRenee]

I hope i didn't sound to incensitive in my post to you.


I said what i did because you caught him out when you were "dating" and left him. You took him back, and he has hurt you again.

I appreciate that this is a bit different than catching him watching things that you may not be open minded to, rather you have read conversations that are pertaining to meeting a man and being his b.....c..

That frankly scared me a little for you in regards to your safety...

It may have already occured is what i was trying to say.

But the fact that he has been disrespectful to you now on two occasions, this time your are engaged to him.

I think you are correct. Don't marry him.

And i dont' personally believe he is worthy of talking to about it. As i said, he has been "asking" for sex from a man, not thinking or watching it, asking.

I do feel for you, so again, sorry if i sounded incensitive there.

I agree with Chelsea regarding the snooping, that's why i said, i won't go there...

Take care, you are more important, you only live once and it should be a happy love filled life.

CW

I think talking to him about it will bring closure to her, if nothing else. Because you're right, he's not worth it, but she's probably deserving of a little peace of mind. For the record, I'd tell him to hit the road no matter WHAT kinda BS he tried to lay on me. Pinche cochino going behind her back and discussing private, personal things with strangers, men and women alike. I won't tolerate competing with porn, let alone that stack of bologna. Geez. What a mean guy.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I think talking to him about it will bring closure to her, if nothing else. Because you're right, he's not worth it, but she's probably deserving of a little peace of mind. For the record, I'd tell him to hit the road no matter WHAT kinda BS he tried to lay on me. Pinche cochino going behind her back and discussing private, personal things with strangers, men and women alike. I won't tolerate competing with porn, let alone that stack of bologna. Geez. What a mean guy.

Yeah i agree with you ChelseRenee.

Totally.

Sometimes i talk in facts, not so sensitive hey. What you wrote made sense, and with feeling which usually i do... I felt bad.. you had a calmer manner about it... I enjoy reading your posts.

But, you are probably right, closure is a necessity... and probably for her.

She was bitten and wore it then found this out? WT.....

Seems he is disrespecting her. She gave him a chance and he blew it big time.

Unfortunately, there is more here hey?

But i do agree, you just made me realise that sometimes my comments are direct, other times, more explained and i was glad that you "explained"...

But if she speaks to him, she must point out what happened when they dated, what she has found now...... Open up her wounds and then as you say let them heal.



Appreciate the comment.

CW

[anonymouswhitefemale]

Ok.... So, I don't think that my advice is going to be as reactionary as the other ladies.

It sounds rather like he isn't satisfied with his current sex life, and he's half looking for ways to find variation, or to try and find a fulfillment he isn't getting. When you aren't in a good place, sexually, your thoughts take you down a path of perversion. For example, you start watching anal, then porn with two men and one women, aggressive sex etc. To find something that's still interesting your "journey" continues - and you might think "that looks a bit fun", actually, I could experience what that girl is experiencing right now. I wonder what anal sex is like - apparently it's better for men than it is for women. Women are so lucky that they are the "bottom" and it's so tiresome being the "top", the man in charge. Generally people who exert power in their lives prefer to to be a bit submissive in the bedroom (and vice versa), and he might feel like another man is the only way to do that. To be honest, it's the sort of thing I think where if he actually went through with it, he probably wouldn't enjoy it, it's just something that he's been building up in his mind as a fantasy.

I will also say that I believe that EVERY man is bisexual, there are just varying degrees of suppression through religion and social stigma - men are bred from an early age to hate homosexuality, take the **** out of it etc., but without those stigmas (look at packs of monkeys and the ancient greeks, etc), people were just sexual, there really wasnt bisexual or homosexual or heterosexual. This obviously means that a lot of men therefore have thoughts that they are unwilling to entertain, and causes them to repress something deep in themselves all their lives.

Whether he has or has not done anything - the area gets grey. He could probably rationalise cheating with you if it was with a man, not a woman, since it's about experimentation and finding himself etc. He could have - basically you need to TALK to him about it.

I'd say, personally, that this mostly stems from a crappy sex life.

[jeanjane]

Some men will never be happy or have enough in their sex lives but crappy? Not here. That's part of what is so bothersome about this. If we werent having sex and if it weren't several times a week then I might think something was up concerning that. This man does things that left no doubt that he was very much in love with me and he is the one that wants to get married so bad and is in the rush to do so. I've introduced the things that has made sex exciting and done things he never had done before. My sex drive is through the roof. Roleplay, dressing up (me not him), being the agressor and the submissive... we've done SO much to the point I started to wonder if doing so much opened up a can of worms to get him looking for even more stimulus. More on this ... knowing a friend of his ex-wifes, I asked her what happened with his ex and was told that she caught him red handed having phone sex with a woman and then after giving him another chance smelled perfume on his clothes after he returned from a business trip. With all the venues to meet people - chat rooms and websites that cater to sex - it's easy to find people that are looking for sex of all kinds.
As far as me snooping... I'd do it again in a heartbeat. If someone suspects and has good reason that someone is up to no good would you ignore it? The venue to meet now is through the computer and if it were a bar I thought he was picking up women in or men - I would have gone to that bar. The venue is different now and with all the std's and aids being the primary target of women from men on the "down low", checking up on his activities is protecting my health and emotional well-being.
I'm not sure what to do yet.. whether to confront him as I'm not one to simply disappear OR to just pack and walk away. It's sad.

[anonymouswhitefemale]

Well, for me, the issue then becomes not that your partner might be bisexual, but just that fact that it seems likely that he might be cheating. I mean, personally, I believe in a degree of sexual freedom, and if I was married and my wife wanted to have sex with a woman, something would work itself out, I wouldn't be screaming about disease or whatever. Just like if I wanted to have sex with a man I think I'd have the freedom to do that if I wanted, but him sneaking around basically means that you're seriously lacking communication. He doesn't feel like you can accept what he is or the way he feels, so it's conducted in secret, and in a way, by your reaction, he is right to do so - but obviously this isn't exactly improving the relationship.

But for your relationship, specifically, you don't trust him. You are checking up on him and even installed a keylogger (unacceptable in my opinion). He feels a certain way about things (probably he doesn't even really know how he feels), but I think that he hungers for a level of sexual exploration and freedom that you are unable to accomodate within your relationship. You won't be able to start trusting him, so unless you have a good chat, and it is resolved suitably, then I believe your relationship is over.

For the record, I hate the term "down low".

[jeanjane]

If you're ever the one that is suspecting the guy you love might be cheating (unless you are into open relationships) and you're 2 months away from marriage and you want to know the truth, you might do something you never thought you would. I took NO pleasure loading that spyware on his computer. But if I hadn't I'd be walking down the aisle with man that would have given me a life of misery. Life of misery vs. finding out through a key logger... I wonder what the choice would be for the majority of women if they were in my shoes. I'm not going to spend time defending what I did to find out the truth. If he has this desire I'm not going to stand in judgement of it, as I said in my first post, you are who you are. But for me not to do everything I could to find out who he was and what I was in for would be the greatest injustice of all... to me.