[CHANDLERS WISH]

Yes, CW, I really wanted people's reply to the issue. If you read my original post again, my wife did not want to revisit her past two weeks after we got married. She said she wanted to 'come clean'. What pulled my trigger two weeks after we got married was that I was in Russia one month living in her apartment before we got married. I would think that to be enough time to 'come clean' if that's what she wanted.

As far as "revisiting her past of which she knows is now non-existant and wanting closure on that, looking forward to her future", she located Larry and I happened to find the answering email on July 28th OF THIS YEAR! Five years after the break-up.

Okay, I've re-read your original post and the replies again.

Firstly, I noted words were pulled from your thread and replied to only based on those words ie) ripping up pictures, ie) seeing an email reply whilst standing behind her.

So, answers flooded in based really I think on those WORDS.. Classic case of not reading in full I will admit same. Unusual for me...

So:- Let's start again because in reality, that's not the case at all, the replies to your thread are based on your actions in-other-words not the actually thread and questions.

If you don't mind I will do it this way:

1. You met a Russian Scientist over an Internet site around 2003.

2. You went to Russia and met her.

3. There was obviously instant chemistry/attraction/lust and consequently you spent the next 12 months emailing her, finally marrying her in 2005.

4. 2 weeks after she married you, ( not during the lengthy emails) she decides to fess up over Larry and shows you photos of him, and tells you that he stayed with her in 2002 and 2003.

5. You were never jealous with other girlfriends in the past, but the pictures all (G) rated enraged you and so you tore them up.

6. You were not upset over the pictures, rather that she chose to tell you once she was married to you. She is not a citizen of your Country.

7. She gave you the impression prior to this that the only man she had ever slept with was her husband who died in 2000.

8. In July 2008, some 3 years later you note that you both are quite distant.. And, as you walk past her computer, you have two in the house, you note a familiar name, "Larry" as a returned email to your wife, current.

9. The story behind Larry is that she helped him, he stayed with her in 2002 and 2003, travelling to her country to get dental work, he had no intention of letting her know that was his last visit and didn't, she found out from a friend and so she confronted him one last time and broke it of.

10. That was in 2003.

11.When you asked her why she wrote to Larry and even as much as searched for him in order to do so, he now lives in Hawaii, she said " I don't know to get even".

12. A Professionals friend of yours has advised you that once the trust is broken it's hard to get back 100%.

13. You love her 100% and you think that she does, at least 85%

14. She became a Citizen in December 2007

15. You in fact went and lived with her for one month prior to marrying her, but she waited until you were married before telling you about Larry, two weeks after you married.

16. She is a member of this Forum and gave you permission to pose this thread.

QUESTION: "Why would she risk lifestlye (free of charge) she doesn't work anymore) .

I don't know Russia, firstly if I can point that out, being in Australia but I am of the understanding that where you both are now, is freer, wealthier.

So, I guess that poses the question of, the "dream".

Also obviously there was chemistry at the start and lots of lust, hense following 12 months emails..

I "dated" someone from across the Globe via Internet for 6 months so I get that, how close you can become to a person, fall for that person...

So, ask her.. Was she in-fact frightened of telling you that there had been someone else other than her husband as you may not have continued that relationship? I think that also she had lived a lie for so long, Larry had only "just" gone out of the picture and she was obviously "hurt" by the fact that she helped him, slept with him had a form of relationship with him and he didn't have the balls to tell her that was his last trip, in-fact he "used her".

Maybe, she felt that pain and stup1d and therefore, couldn't tell you about him even in that month that you were with her in Russia. Because she couldn't face it herself after the death of her husband, the next man that entered her life used her. Yet, here was a guy that loved her and wanted to marry her and give her a new life. So, she shut up. But, then couldn't handle it, because she loves you and told you after you were married, as she felt "safe" you were married now, so you couldn't tell her to leave and go back to Russia for lying.

I have no idea however, why she persued years later, "Larry" maybe physologically she needed him to tell her when he was with her that he did love her and that he just didn't think things would work, he was a Coward, so that she could close that chapter? The one where she felt used?

But also, maybe, as she was a Russian Scientist and hasn't been working all this time, (you don't mention kids), that she is bored, lonley and seeking some form of something... As, obviously if there is "distance" in your lives at the moment, something is not right at home and happiness is not there for either of you in totality at present. Maybe she misses having that intellectual side of her, work, science..

I note that you state that her reason stated to you was "I don't know, I wanted to get even", even over what?

Yes, the trust has been broken and yes, she lied to start with but came clean but as I said, that could have been through fear of loosing you, and also what you would think of her for making such a mistake as he was also "long distance" like you.. Maybe you would have viewed it "in her eyes" as she falls for a guy that gives her attention, as aposed to the fact that she actually fell for you and loves you.

I think though that should have been the end of it, lie out in the open, trust being built, married.

But, I do undestand that she has done it again, broken your trust again, by finding Larry but ask her, was it for closure as she still felt used.

THat's in-security in my opinion, I personally wouldn't have given Larry the second of a day after that and plus she kept his pictures 76 of them for 2 years from when she last saw him. He must have really broken her heart.

To her, your married, he is your husband, Larry is past, if you have feelings still for him, then you shouldn't have married to start with.

If you don't, then it's closed the reason could be un-happy at the moment in your marriage and bordem. But don't expect your husband to trust you again in a hurry you've either lied or, gone behind his back, twice now in this relationship and this relationship is only young.

Talk it out together.

If you need to work in order to feel a sense of being, then discuss this too if that is why your searching around trying to look up a loser that hurt you in the past.

You are in deed risking losing your husband forget the free-of charge bit, lifestyle no offense Mr Ed, but that may not be what she is after, it may be that she needs to feel a part of society, she is from Russian and has only just got her Citizenship and may feel lost as well.

As for why is she risking it?

The answers are in the above, worse scenario being "Talk it out together" to find out.

Best scenario it's in one of those sentences above, so talk it out and find a solution.

That's my "opinion" having read the whole thread and your replies

Mr ED.

CW

[Mr. ED]

Yes, CW, I really wanted people's reply to the issue. If you read my original post again, my wife did not want to revisit her past two weeks after we got married. She said she wanted to 'come clean'. What pulled my trigger two weeks after we got married was that I was in Russia one month living in her apartment before we got married. I would think that to be enough time to 'come clean' if that's what she wanted.

As far as "revisiting her past of which she knows is now non-existant and wanting closure on that, looking forward to her future", she located Larry and I happened to find the answering email on July 28th OF THIS YEAR! Five years after the break-up.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Some replies almost made the grade. But if you want to talk about "childish mentality", posting pictures on all the walls in the house would have really solved the problem in a two week old marriage! Gimme a break. And who knows what would have happened had I NOT found the email???

That's great, seems like we got your attention to the real issue, and that is that you actually wanted people's thought as aposed to the reply you gave being that you "placed a bet" on the type of replies and won a dinner, which i would have to say "give me a break"..

I would then be questioning why after only two weeks of Marriage, that this woman was feeling like she wanted to contact an old "friend" or locate him... ?

My thoughts?

It may be a real simple thing like it's really scary "the commitment" word and all that goes with it, so she was simply re-visting her past of that of which she knows is now non-existant and wanting closure on that, looking forward to her future.

It's still a tad I don't know, "jealous" to rip up photos. Past is past, people are allowed to have them and TRUST is marriage.. So you should trust your wife, and not worry about old flames, photos, they are part of her past, not present or future, it shouldn't frighten you.

There is room for TRUST in a marriage but there is no room for JEALOUSY it never pans out, it creates caos.

CW

[Mr. ED]

PS:
To the best of my knowledge, chandler's wish, no posts were deleted. I did not know it was possible to delete anything after it was posted. How do you do that, WH Moderator? If anyone knows the contents of the 'deleted' post, I would appreciate an update from someone.

By the way, I had the go ahead from my wife and was advised by some friends including a professional in a distinguished field of business to make the original post. The bet was an afterthought!

[Mr. ED]

Some replies almost made the grade. But if you want to talk about "childish mentality", posting pictures on all the walls in the house would have really solved the problem in a two week old marriage! Gimme a break. And who knows what would have happened had I NOT found the email???

[SorridLives]

Then Mr Ed, i would like to agree with the person's post that got deleted.

You purely and simply wasted our time.....

Waggering a bet, I would say that your mentality is a bit childish in my Opinion.......

The photos belonged to her, they were her possessions, jealousy will bit you in the bum one day, as will you feeling that you can "control" parts of her life.. I would have made you pay for re-prints and they would have been enlargements at that, then I would have posted them all over a wall in the house...

CW

Haha.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

There is nothing 'hidden' in my "long story short" clauses. The post is true as it happened. However, before posting I made a little wager with a friend as to the type of feedback I would receive. I should have bet four dinners instead of two. I didn't count on international agreement! But it just proves the fact that genders will stick together no matter what. I do appreciate the feedback, and thanks for the dinners for me and my wife. The type of response was not a surprise. As for the risk factor.......I would not. Believe it or not! There are more women psychologists then men.

Then Mr Ed, i would like to agree with the person's post that got deleted.

You purely and simply wasted our time.....

Waggering a bet, I would say that your mentality is a bit childish in my Opinion...

Now, If I was you I would go back to that person and give him back his glory because you didn't win he did.

The fact that you wrote "and she is on this Forum" is the reason why you did not receive ANY posts what so ever for what? 3 Days?

And look at what you wrote, " I became enraged, I tore up 76 photos" we are not banding towards a "woman" at all, rather her rights.

The photos belonged to her, they were her possessions, jealousy will bit you in the bum one day, as will you feeling that you can "control" parts of her life.. I would have made you pay for re-prints and they would have been enlargements at that, then I would have posted them all over a wall in the house...

CW

[Mr. ED]

There is nothing 'hidden' in my "long story short" clauses. The post is true as it happened. However, before posting I made a little wager with a friend as to the type of feedback I would receive. I should have bet four dinners instead of two. I didn't count on international agreement! But it just proves the fact that genders will stick together no matter what. I do appreciate the feedback, and thanks for the dinners for me and my wife. The type of response was not a surprise. As for the risk factor.......I would not. Believe it or not! There are more women psychologists then men.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

My "Opinion" is you should be speaking to her, not putting it all out on here, this Forum, which we know, you know is for her to read replies from, which i would have said ages ago however, as it seems that the replys that you are getting are pretty much saying talk to her, so be it, we all seem to agree.

CW

I will add, unless she asked you to seek our thoughts and advice for yourself, in which case, perhaps you should state so, that she is in agreeance and it is a way for you both to see other sides of things, as that would make it an ideal place to discuss your situation with outside people and deside from there what to do.

CW

[Muskitos]

Mr ED,

I would tend to agree with the above posts, what’s the big deal?

The way you are describing your reactions; they are not an invitation for her to be totally honest with you.

If you continue living with suspicion you will eventually succeed in her looking for someone else, just because she is not getting it from you, follow?

Try to trust her fully, if you can do that you will change and when you will change she will change and when she changes you won’t be/need to be suspicious anymore.

I know that sounds very complicated but it does work that way! 