[Richard S]

First, send her flowers. To be clear, send her a dozen, long-stemmed, red roses, in a nice glass vase, a full arrangement with babies' breath, wrapped in a red ribbon, along with a card with the following two words on it:

"I'm sorry..."

You need to step back from the idea that she needs to understand that what you're doing is normal. I'm not saying it isn't, I'm just saying that having her understand this will not heal what's going on here. The female mind doesn't work that way. It just doesn't. Please know this.

Please perform a kind, unconditional gesture towards your wife and, once she's calmed down a bit, you can post back and we'll tell you what to do next. The ideal situation would be if you could get her to post here, so we can hear her side of the story.

Good luck. Marriage can be quite the adventure...

[rcoreyus]

OK there was lots of new info here from the original posster. It is probably the porn she objects to. Lots (not all) women object to porn. If she knows you find the women in porn more attractive than her, that won't make it any better.

But - you still should be having sex a lot more than 5x each year.

So if I read this right, she isn't interested in sex. You've turned to porn and masturbation as a substitute, making her even less happy and less interested in being intimate. Vicious cycle.

Now I have an important question. If the entire sex / porn / intimacy problem went away (somehow) do you think you would have a happy relationship, or is there lots more going on?

[ChelseaRenee]

Well it seems that she is more upset about the use of internet porn to stimulate the masturbation.

I can understand this a little, but let's get real, it is not likely that I or any other man would just close their eyes and think about their own spouse during masturbation.

Self masturbation is a way to fantasy and be involved in a situation that you will probably never actually get to experience. Maybe it's seeing girl on girl, or people in a group, or just a beautiful girl stripping.

Does this really change my initial concern. She is still so mad at me. She will barely speak to me or look at me. I showed he articles and respectful data from "Ask Men" and "Discovery Health" to show her some real data.

It is amazing to know that everyone we every come in contact has this secret life a couple times a week. It is ashame that this topic is so taboo. It's like farting. We all do it, but if someone hears you in public its disgusting.

I can understand that she may be jealous of the woman in porn and that she is totally offended by it. These woman are beautiful and maybe she can't deal with me looking at that. My wife is beautiful and even more beautiful to me, but is she as pretty as the porn-stars I see on the internet? No, but very few woman actually are.

I just wish she could have opened the door on me, seen what I had been doing, and offered to lend a hand. Turn the situation around and I would have jumped right in without all the drama.

Please advise as this is a real situation for me. It should not be, but their is so real drama going on here and it may never heal itself. Show me articles I can show her, offer me insight, anything, I'm dying here on my own.

I can see why she's so mad now. You're wrong about that, by the way. Lots of men really do enjoy being sexual with their wives, and even FANTASIZE about it. And you did leave out a pretty important part- I'm pretty sure the porn is a lot more hurtful to her than your masturbation. I can't give any advice on how to make her feel better about it, because she may never like it ( I don't either). All I can say is that if one spouse is knowingly doing something that is mentally hurtful to the other, there's a huge problem there.

[happy ending]

i probably wouldnt mention to her that she's not at pretty as the porn stars either, i honestly dread to think what that would do to her self confidence. no we're not as "pretty" as porn stars, thats because we are real!!! and this is a real woman you love, with real feelings and insecurities. i think you may be a tad insensitive to whats going on in her head.

[Guest]

You need to step back from the idea that she needs to understand that what you're doing is normal. I'm not saying it isn't, I'm just saying that having her understand this will not heal what's going on here.

Good Richard, Try to think outside the box!

Good luck. Marriage can be quite the adventure...

It really is Richard, it's a wonderful experience, I would rather be married than single. Just confirming with my opinion.

When one is married they should be able to put their all into all kinds of building blocks that make it such a special experience. Which means giving some things up if it makes for a happier marriage!

[thack]

Just remember, most couples having troubles are in the "I will show him love when he shows me love" or visca versa, IF you want to truly fix what is going on, you must be the first to make the effort, and you will have to put up with the feeling that nothing is coming back from her. Its a possibility, I am no pro by any means, I have read a lot of books on the marriage thing and that is one of the most common things mentioned is the quid pro quo issues.

IF you want the sex, well you have to work on the mind first, as well as the heart, those 2 are connected. women (please do not take offense to this- lady's) do not generally think logically like we do in crisis, we see things as "well this makes sense whats wrong" where as women usually see thing emotionally first (we are pretty much the opposite, logic before emotion, sometimes) then once the emotions have been calmed, soothed, and brought back into their norms, the woman can start to see where you were coming from, BUT, you cannot just stop, you have to sort of massage this kink out, its not just something you hit a switch and its done. (I learned this lesson the hard way)

SO, be apologetic, take a little more blame than normal for a little, but not to the point where its unhealthy, keep UNCONDITIONALLY loving your wife and she will come around, god willing.

Once you have her heart, mind, and have caught her eye again, I am sure the Sex will come!

[computerinfo]

I truly appreciate all the feedback I am receiving.

We have not yet had our big talk. We are waiting for the clouds to roll over and speak when calmness can be had.

I need as much input going into this because I don't want to blow it. I don't always speak well and she will always catch me when a wrong word is spoken out (even if was not intentional)

Thanks again.....

[rcoreyus]

I honestly don't think porn starts are as attractive as my wife (or as attractive as a lot of women I know for that matter). They look artificial, expressions are faked, its just not that appealing.

The women I find attractive tend to be fairly normal - its the smile or their way of moving that I fine nice.

I'm not at all attracted to women equipped with after-market emergency flotation devices, or are covered in makeup. I want a real person, not a painted mannequin.

i probably wouldnt mention to her that she's not at pretty as the porn stars either, i honestly dread to think what that would do to her self confidence. no we're not as "pretty" as porn stars, thats because we are real!!! and this is a real woman you love, with real feelings and insecurities. i think you may be a tad insensitive to whats going on in her head.

[computerinfo]

Well, my wife and I finally had our big talk to try to clear things up. I learned a few things about her.

She told me that my masturbating is not a problem as long as I keep it private and not frequent. I had her read a few articles that show how comon it actually is.

She told me that she never masturbates. I was a little surprised. How can she not. For a little as we have sex, how can she not need that release? That's her choice, so I will let her decide on that one.

Now, the big issue. She is very anti PORN. She thinks its a sin with nothing good to come out of it. The says its degrading to women and changes people that watch it. She understand that some couples may enjoy it together, but she wants no part of it.

As we all know, their are many types of porn with some very degrading and some just sexy. We will speak on types later.

She just wants me to find something to stimulate me while self pleasuring. Woman: Is watching porn as bad as she says it is. I actually prefer the light stuff. The less is more kinda way. Once the thongs and panties come off I tend to loose a little interest. And the group thing that degrades woman, yes, not a good thing.

Sure, I would love to watch porn with my wife and get so excited that we have sex, but that will never happen. Sure, I would love for us to be able to masturbate together. Oh well, I just have to do what is right for the group because my ideas won't be heard.

Question: Now that we know that the masturbation was not the part that got her so angry. Is that fact that I use internet porn to excite myself reason for her intense anger and threats of divorce. Is it really that bad? Most people are masturbating on a weekly basis, I just doubt we are all just using images on our heads with our eyes closed.

[ChelseaRenee]

Well, my wife and I finally had our big talk to try to clear things up. I learned a few things about her.

She told me that my masturbating is not a problem as long as I keep it private and not frequent. I had her read a few articles that show how comon it actually is.

She told me that she never masturbates. I was a little surprised. How can she not. For a little as we have sex, how can she not need that release? That's her choice, so I will let her decide on that one.

Now, the big issue. She is very anti PORN. She thinks its a sin with nothing good to come out of it. The says its degrading to women and changes people that watch it. She understand that some couples may enjoy it together, but she wants no part of it.

As we all know, their are many types of porn with some very degrading and some just sexy. We will speak on types later.

She just wants me to find something to stimulate me while self pleasuring. Woman: Is watching porn as bad as she says it is. I actually prefer the light stuff. The less is more kinda way. Once the thongs and panties come off I tend to loose a little interest. And the group thing that degrades woman, yes, not a good thing.

Sure, I would love to watch porn with my wife and get so excited that we have sex, but that will never happen. Sure, I would love for us to be able to masturbate together. Oh well, I just have to do what is right for the group because my ideas won't be heard.

Question: Now that we know that the masturbation was not the part that got her so angry. Is that fact that I use internet porn to excite myself reason for her intense anger and threats of divorce. Is it really that bad? Most people are masturbating on a weekly basis, I just doubt we are all just using images on our heads with our eyes closed.

Porn is NOT that bad when men have a healthy relationship with it.

You do not.

You've already said that your wife is not as pretty and attractive as those "women", and frankly, she deserves better. She deserves for her husband to hold her in higher regard than every other woman, and you don't do that. She has every right to be hurt. Even if you did have a healthy relationship with porn, she would probably still not like it. And I think when one person in the relationship is knowingly doing something that hurts their partner, they have a duty to stop doing it or leave. Try counseling with her...I think you guys have a lot to work on, and please stop trying to convince her you're doing nothing wrong. It'll only alienate her because it's like you're telling her that her feelings are wrong and meaningless. I think you're the one who needs to be a little more understanding here, considering she's already said she's fine with you masturbating, and just has issues with the porn.