[CHANDLERS WISH]

In adding, i appreciate it's frustrating:-

If you want to bring her out into the open of "intimacy" you are doing all the right things as intimacy goes, massages, etc.

Nothing is to say that you can't slowly bring her out, by making her constantly feeling beautiful like you do, whereby eventually she may feel that anything to do with sex is loving and giving as a partnership...

It will not be easy but over time, you may make her feel more capable of opening up there, but i agree with others, don't obsess over it, make it a long term goal and work towards it, as aposed to wishing you could make her see now... Women have intutition and can "feel"....

Slowly catches the monkey or so they say.

CW

[zeos133]

So it's un-fair that you chose a partner, whom maybe was bought up in a way, fashion that masterbation, and orgasms, are not part of sex and therefore, she is not "open" to that discussion nor wanting to be that way. She may feel it's tarty to do so, some women do.

So you think that it is un-fair that she is not "willing" to change her attitude for you.

And you feel it's a burden on you to get her off, she should be willing and doing, and making you feel all man....

I didn't read, suffer, accept it , or end it, I read... You are trying to change this woman to suit you, to be what you have had before, what you loved, in a sexual partner and she doesn't want to.

So, you either have to go with the love, and take it as it is, ( not suffer), because you love her, therefore, you have to realise that that is her being, she doesn't want to change her ways of thoughts, so therefore, that's the way it is, and alternatively, if its the sex life you crave in the fashion of which you were accustomed to and therefore want and she is not willing to explore, change, then you have a decision to make, love or sex?

Or, therefore find someone that you have an excellent sexual chemistry and relationship with that you also fall in love with.

Thereby, a true connection in all aspects.

What is more important to you therefore?

Loving this woman and never wanting to let her go, or having the type of sex you desire?

You can't change someone nor should you ask them to change for you. I appreciate that there should be compromise and she is not compromising in that department but you can't change her. She has made the decision that she wants to be the way she is, sexually, there is nothing you can do.

It doesn't mean she was abused. And, throwing that at her would be a mistake, you didn't say you would, I am not saying that you did, I am saying it's not necessarily the reason. She may just feel it's tarty to let go. Not all women have no inhibitions with their man and sometimes they learn later in life that actually it's good to be sexually free.

It's the make up of the person.

CW

oh please, give me a break! People don't change?! That's BS. We all change every day. We learn new things and try new things. Don't be so close-minded. People who are unwilling to change their minds about something are called Stubborn!

It is unfair for me to be responsible for her sexual satisfaction all of the time. And just so you know, I didn't come up with that reason all on my own. I got if from another Woman's website talking about the benefits of female masturbation and how some guys feel burdened to pleasure their woman when the woman never masturbates. I hadn't thought about it that way until I read this woman describe it and it resonated with how I was feeling. I don't need her to get off for me to feel like a man, I simply WANT her to get off so she can be satisfied as well. This isn't all about ME. I love her and I know that our sex life can be even better, which would benefit BOTH of us. You make it sound like I'm some kind of selfish pig. I'm not. I have a desire to make our (being mine AND my girlfriend's) sex life better, fuller, and more enjoyable.

If you didn't read suffer, accept it, or end it then you didn't read this post:

"1. Continue to suffer (as it seems you're doing) with your girlfriend's low sex drive that is unlikely to change
2. Accept that low sex drive and move on from the issue. After all, there are many mismatched couples, even on this board, in which one member would give anything for 2-3 times a week.
3. End the relationship. You both have a right to be happy, and if you're not, it's bound to rub off on the relationship as a whole."

In response to this question: "What is more important to you therefore? Loving this woman and never wanting to let her go, or having the type of sex you desire?" The answer is BOTH, and I believe it is possible. We do have good sexual chemistry, its not not consistant. I thought that through helping her explore masturbation the situation might improve. But maybe not, I don't know. But its worth a try. Why would anyone not want to improve their sex life?

Thanks for letting me know it doesn't mean she was abused. I'm happy to be wrong about that and have no desire to ask her about it.

And to hit it home, if a woman can "learn later in life that actually it's good to be sexually free" how exactly would one learn to be this way if they can't change? Maybe now, is "later in life" for my girlfriend. Which would mean its a great time to start learning that it's actually good to be sexually free. .

[CHANDLERS WISH]

oh please, give me a break! People don't change?! That's BS. We all change every day. We learn new things and try new things. Don't be so close-minded. People who are unwilling to change their minds about something are called Stubborn!

It is unfair for me to be responsible for her sexual satisfaction all of the time. And just so you know, I didn't come up with that reason all on my own. I got if from another Woman's website talking about the benefits of female masturbation and how some guys feel burdened to pleasure their woman when the woman never masturbates. I hadn't thought about it that way until I read this woman describe it and it resonated with how I was feeling. I don't need her to get off for me to feel like a man, I simply WANT her to get off so she can be satisfied as well. This isn't all about ME. I love her and I know that our sex life can be even better, which would benefit BOTH of us. You make it sound like I'm some kind of selfish pig. I'm not. I have a desire to make our (being mine AND my girlfriend's) sex life better, fuller, and more enjoyable.

If you didn't read suffer, accept it, or end it then you didn't read this post:

"1. Continue to suffer (as it seems you're doing) with your girlfriend's low sex drive that is unlikely to change
2. Accept that low sex drive and move on from the issue. After all, there are many mismatched couples, even on this board, in which one member would give anything for 2-3 times a week.
3. End the relationship. You both have a right to be happy, and if you're not, it's bound to rub off on the relationship as a whole."

In response to this question: "What is more important to you therefore? Loving this woman and never wanting to let her go, or having the type of sex you desire?" The answer is BOTH, and I believe it is possible. We do have good sexual chemistry, its not not consistant. I thought that through helping her explore masturbation the situation might improve. But maybe not, I don't know. But its worth a try. Why would anyone not want to improve their sex life?

Thanks for letting me know it doesn't mean she was abused. I'm happy to be wrong about that and have no desire to ask her about it.

And to hit it home, if a woman can "learn later in life that actually it's good to be sexually free" how exactly would one learn to be this way if they can't change? Maybe now, is "later in life" for my girlfriend. Which would mean its a great time to start learning that it's actually good to be sexually free. .

I've read all your threads, posts:-

A simple , thank you but I don't agree is a polite way of responding on this site. The people here, are here to answer you, take what you want and don't take what you don't agree with...

For a woman to be "sexually free" later in life, she had to have always had the opinion of being open to start with... I personally can't see that a woman whom is "closed" to ideas, full stop will ever set herself free, now or later in life, UNLESS she has a man whom she totally trusts and slowly he breaks her free. But, again, she has to be a sexual person to start with... Believe in sensuality. That's my "opinion".

I didn't say either that she wasn't abused, I said it doesn't mean necessarily that she was, it may be her make-up how she was bought up.

Don't be so defensive.. You ask for opinions they may not always be what you want to hear, they are "opinions".. take them and diss the ones you don't think agree with your thoughts and keep the ones you do agree with . That is what this site is all about.

If you believe that you can open this women up, then great... Maybe you can, and i think i stated that as well.. It takes time, it takes trust and she has to be willing to do so.

As for I didn't read? Words are not the only things spoken, sometimes it is how you read between them...

It's interesting if you put your mind to it, you can learn alot from reading the intentions as apposed to just purely reading words.

Good luck and remember, please treat this site with the respect that we are treating you with,

CW

[zeos133]

sorry if I was so defensive, but I felt attacked. I appreciate your opinions, of course, but I was seeking advice, not criticism. I'll try to be more cool. thanks.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

It's cool.

Just another thought though... She was 20 when you both met, you were 25... more experienced.

Maybe there is a fear there. Or, maybe she was hurt before in a previous relationship, you didn't say whether she had had a partner before you but felt maybe she may have been abused, so i gather that she may have had a previous boyfriend.

Guys when young " you remember" (smile) , are more in the taking after all, than respecting ...

Seems that you really want her to more so just be her, let go and be free, maybe you have to venture into her past afterall then and see if she will open up, instead of just stating she doesn't want to...

Maybe she wants to talk as well .. I know of people even here, who eventually open up and feel fantastic after, but chose not to for years.

Hope you get further opinions that can help.

CW

[Little_Man_in_the_Boat]

Zeos I think your approach is wrong, it sounds to me like your trying to get her to do something that you want.

You have to use the carrot not the stick.

If she doesn't want to masturbate don't try to force her into doing it.

All that will do is get her back up.

Listen to the women above they know what they like and dislike.

[SweetAsian]

I think I understand her...

I've visited this website many times but only just joined because I had to respond to this post.

Zeos, I think your doing all that can be done and honestly she is lucky! But I can understand, I think, where she is coming from because I was in a similar position 2 years ago, I NEVER masturbated, not EVER!! I have a past so I think that is why I was turned off by it but I can still give my insights and that might help you. The biggest reason I didn't masturbate was it was disgusting to me. I did NOT enjoy it in any way shape or form nor did I EVER desire it. I also didn't have any sex drive cause of my past, you may want to talk to her to see why she is against masturbating, there may be a serious reason she is against it. I started changing my views on masturbating significantly about 2 years ago when I fell in love with the most wonderful man I just became comfortable whereas before I was definitely not. And I admit I am still uncomfortable with masturbating and anything else related to sex but I am changing slowly because I have someone who loves me and puts absolutely NO PRESSURE on me for anything. She can definitely change but ONLY if she wants to, you can't force her to change just because YOU THINK she is missing out, if she doesn't feel shes missing out then there is nothing you can do to change her mind.

In my opinion her problem is she just isn't comfortable with sex or anything related to sex. That is probably why she gets upset when you bring it up and why she never tells you what she wants, she is embarrassed by it. The best advice I can offer is to keep doing what your doing, just make sure your not pressuring her into anything, don't make her do anything she doesn't want to. Maybe you guys really need to just sit down and have a sex talk, seriously just talk to each other about why she is against it and ask her to not be upset, your just worried and hurting cause you feel like she could be enjoying herself more if you knew more of why she was so closed when it comes to sex.

Sorry if none of this was helpful, I was just offering a lot of my personal experiences and thoughts, hopefully all goes well and good luck!

[silvertae]

I have to agree with the others that you're trying too hard to change her. Yes people can change. But they have to want to. It's a fact of life. And it's also a fact of life that some people are more sexually compatible than others.

We have a member on here who basically never has sex in his relationship because his wife just won't compromise. He suffers and accepts. You can make your own decision. But I honestly don't think pressuring her to do things she doesn't want (and "encouraging" her to explore her sexuality further can just as easily be perceived as pressure) is the right decision.

[zeos133]

Thanks for all the input. Most of the time I don't put any pressure on her because pressure doesn't work at all with her. She can be quite playful during sex and open to trying new things but her sexual energy, as I like to call it, is very inconsistent. I thought masturbation would be a way for her to explore her sexuality more, but I understand it has to be a choice on her part. We do talk about sex, but I'm afraid its usually me asking her why she doesn't like to have sex more often. And of course this generally upsets her and then we don't have sex for a week. Or she'll have sex with me but it will be awkward and dry. I understand that sex is more emotional for a lot of women, and it is definitely the case with my girlfriend. the thing is, when she is feeling good and in the mood it has been some of the best sex of my life. I just find it difficult to cope with it being so random. It's a roller coaster.

Sometimes our sex talk goes well, and she's even said that if I get some books on it she's open to trying new things. That's good. But I have to be careful when I talk to her because a lot of the time she feels that I'm criticizing her and then she gets upset, or self-conscious, or whatever. Its not my intention, but that's just how it goes. I feel like I have to tip-toe around the issue.

[rd3]

Zeos133, how did it go?

Hi Zeos133. I am having some similar issues with my girlfriend. She never masturbates. Her sex drive is inconsistent (occasionally very hot, usually cool). She mostly seems interested in sex with the aim of pleasing me. I really want her to be happy and feel satisfied, maybe she does, she says she is happy with our sex life, but I just cannot see how as she hardly ever has an orgasm and we only have sex about 2-3 times a month. I have tried to slowly turn her on to some new things and more frequent sex, encouraged her to masturbate, go down on her, etc... she seems to like it and says she wants more sex and it seems to work for lets say a few hours, but then the next time we are just back to square one - she is uncomfortable with sex and near impossible to turn on. Then I revert to the philosophy that she is who she is and I shouldn't try to change her, which is just hopelessness. I have never been able to convince her to masturbate, which to me indicates that she just doesn't like or know how to have an orgasm very much. Anyway, I just wanted to know how things went for you in the last two years. Were you able to increase the sexiness in your relationship? What did you do exactly? Or, if it didn't work out, why not? Thanks, I'd really love to hear back.