[mellybean]

I am 20 years old, 21 in a few months and my boyfriend of 3 years just turned 22. I wasnt planning on having sex before marriage and all that jazz, but after about a year I really didn't give a anymore so we went ahead with it. He was also a virgin, so as you might expect we really didnt know what we were doing. It wasnt awkward at all, just pretty funny and pointless (for me at least). He couldnt feel much with a condom on, so I went to the gyno and got some bc pills.. he was much happier but sex really wasnt ever working for me. It felt good and all, but i never "got there" or even came close. Of course he hated this, and he would always try to go for a long time and see if it would work.. after a little while it would just start to hurt me so I would tell him to finish. That went on for a year I guess.. not too often but at least we did it sometimes.



Skip to now.. We barely even touch eachother in that way anymore. I stopped with the pills because we never did it, mainly because I didnt want to. I had problems getting moist, it hurt, and I had still yet to orgasm during intercourse so I just didnt want to do it ever. Oral makes me gag usually but I used to try and do it sometimes and he would do it for me. Now it seems like we are far beyond the point of ever returning.. all i want is to have a healthy sex life with the guy that I love, but it just doesnt look like it is going to happen.



I dont really know what I'm asking exactly.. maybe just for opinions or any help in this area at all. Thanks!

[Hopeless Dork]

Sounds like you have a lot of different things going on there. Since you are the one that pushed him away sexually, it's really going to be up to you to invite him back to you. He probably feels insecure that he could not please you.

Do you masturbate or have orgasms on your own? Its really important to know what it takes to please you in order help him understand what you like. If you are having trouble with wetness.. a little lube goes a long way. There is nothing wrong with using it, it will make sex more comfortable so that you can relax and enjoy it more.

You say going down on him makes you gag, do you mean gag as in the thought of it? or literally choking? If its the latter, you don't have to put the whole thing in your mouth in order to please him. And I'm sure he'd enjoy just feeling your hands on him.

The fact that you guys are sticking it out this long without satisfying sex shows your love for one another is strong. Adding pleasure, for both of you, to the relationship is just going to make that same love a little more happy and FUN.

[Ashlee T.]

Mental block. You wanted to wait until marriage, but you gave in.....causing yourself to even subonsciously feel "wrong" or disappointed in yourself. On top of that, you gave in and found that what you gave in for was unsatisfying and not what it was cracked up to be. Unrealistic expectations maybe? First time sex is awkward, often uncomfortable. Nothing abnormal about that. But are you somewhere within yourself finding resentment for giving up this part of yourself and then not being satisfied?

Once you accept your choices, accept that you're not bad, not wrong for doing what you've done, then perhaps you can relax, learn that this as with anything else requires practice and exploration. If you lay there and think "ugh, this sucks...why am I even doing this?", you certainly carry a mental block that will not let you enjoy sex. You pushed him away sexually, and went off the pill (knowing he won't want to have sex with you using condoms)....... have you considered that maybe you're just not ready for it? If you were, you wouldn't have thrown in the towel so to speak. Almost like "Sex isn't good, I don't want to have sex"..."well since I'm not having sex, I'm going to go off the pill"...."Why aren't we having sex?". You have all the answers.

Of course he's going to shy away. This was new for him too. He tried something new, and in his eyes he failed miserably. In his mind, he'd love to blame you I'm sure, but most certainly blames himself....when in reality it truly has nothing to do with him or his sexual performance. It's your own mental block.

If it were me.....I'd find something like rigorous workout paired with some meditiation. The workout for me stimulates my sexual desires, and the meditation allows me to free my mind. Learn about yourself. Then, if you love this guy and want this to work, plan a special night. Download a CD of music special to you two, or just love music (like from XM The Heart). Have him give you a massage......and then reciprocate. Have him undress and lie face down. Wear something you feel comfortable in, sexy in or nothing at all. As you massage him to help him relax, pay attention to his body....and as you explore his body, kiss him where you touch him. This will relax him, make him feel loved, and perhaps help him to stop thinking he has to try so hard. Then, ask him to turn over, and massage his front side as well. Keep it sensual and slow....and see where it leads you. You may find yourself desiring him, and if that's the case, then YOU try taking the lead. Experiment and find what feels good to you. Slowly, sensually.... And once you begin to find what feels good to you, trust me, sex will be a whole new experience. You'll love it, and so will he.

[mellybean]

Sounds like you have a lot of different things going on there. Since you are the one that pushed him away sexually, it's really going to be up to you to invite him back to you. He probably feels insecure that he could not please you.

Do you masturbate or have orgasms on your own? Its really important to know what it takes to please you in order help him understand what you like. If you are having trouble with wetness.. a little lube goes a long way. There is nothing wrong with using it, it will make sex more comfortable so that you can relax and enjoy it more.

You say going down on him makes you gag, do you mean gag as in the thought of it? or literally choking? If its the latter, you don't have to put the whole thing in your mouth in order to please him. And I'm sure he'd enjoy just feeling your hands on him.


The fact that you guys are sticking it out this long without satisfying sex shows your love for one another is strong. Adding pleasure, for both of you, to the relationship is just going to make that same love a little more happy and FUN.

He can "please" me in other ways and I can masturbate and have an orgasm.. its just been that lately we dont tend to do anything. If I try to make a move or something it's always "wow you sure havent done that in a while" or some other comment like that. It also doesnt help that he has gained a little weight (which i could not care less about btw) and thinks he is too fat to even take his shirt off infront of me. I tell him over and over to stop caring about it and that he isnt fat but he has become worse than a woman! I think this whole thing goes way too deep for anyone to actually answer, I guess I just kinda wanted to talk about it.

About the oral sex thing.. it is everything combined that makes me gag. The smell, the taste, the feeling I just dont like it but I really try and do it because I know he does. The first time I did it for him I decided to let it just go in my mouth.. I ended up flying to the bathroom and almost puking which im sure made him feel really bad. Now I dont let him finish in my mouth but I'll still end up with a pube or something that leaves me gagging, and I cant control it at all.

[mellybean]

Mental block. You wanted to wait until marriage, but you gave in.....causing yourself to even subonsciously feel "wrong" or disappointed in yourself. On top of that, you gave in and found that what you gave in for was unsatisfying and not what it was cracked up to be. Unrealistic expectations maybe? First time sex is awkward, often uncomfortable. Nothing abnormal about that. But are you somewhere within yourself finding resentment for giving up this part of yourself and then not being satisfied?

Once you accept your choices, accept that you're not bad, not wrong for doing what you've done, then perhaps you can relax, learn that this as with anything else requires practice and exploration. If you lay there and think "ugh, this sucks...why am I even doing this?", you certainly carry a mental block that will not let you enjoy sex. You pushed him away sexually, and went off the pill (knowing he won't want to have sex with you using condoms)....... have you considered that maybe you're just not ready for it? If you were, you wouldn't have thrown in the towel so to speak. Almost like "Sex isn't good, I don't want to have sex"..."well since I'm not having sex, I'm going to go off the pill"...."Why aren't we having sex?". You have all the answers.

Of course he's going to shy away. This was new for him too. He tried something new, and in his eyes he failed miserably. In his mind, he'd love to blame you I'm sure, but most certainly blames himself....when in reality it truly has nothing to do with him or his sexual performance. It's your own mental block.

If it were me.....I'd find something like rigorous workout paired with some meditiation. The workout for me stimulates my sexual desires, and the meditation allows me to free my mind. Learn about yourself. Then, if you love this guy and want this to work, plan a special night. Download a CD of music special to you two, or just love music (like from XM The Heart). Have him give you a massage......and then reciprocate. Have him undress and lie face down. Wear something you feel comfortable in, sexy in or nothing at all. As you massage him to help him relax, pay attention to his body....and as you explore his body, kiss him where you touch him. This will relax him, make him feel loved, and perhaps help him to stop thinking he has to try so hard. Then, ask him to turn over, and massage his front side as well. Keep it sensual and slow....and see where it leads you. You may find yourself desiring him, and if that's the case, then YOU try taking the lead. Experiment and find what feels good to you. Slowly, sensually.... And once you begin to find what feels good to you, trust me, sex will be a whole new experience. You'll love it, and so will he.

I'm pretty sure its not a mental block with the waiting until marriage thing.. I used to be somewhat religious and now I'm not anymore so it doesnt matter. The rest kind of makes sense.. but it's not like he was asking for sex ever so I didnt want to hurt my heath by taking pills I didnt need to you know? Thats why I stopped taking them.. I guess it was a bad signial I never really thought of it. Another thing that probably doesnt help is that every time we had sex he would just say how disgusing it is and whatnot due to all the juices and stuff. We probably just need some growing up to do.. but I dont know when/how that will happen. Im going to try and work on it though for sure.

[Hopeless Dork]

Yeah if there is an unpleasant smell going on there, that might take away from some of the pleasure. I have no idea how my boyfriend does it but his 'member' is always daisy fresh no matter what lol. He must sneak into the bathroom and wash up when I am not looking because sometimes I will be with him all day long, through him running around and every single time I go there its like he just stepped out of the shower smelling like soap and clean and that makes it a super enjoyable experience for me.

His self esteem, the shirt on thing, yeah that is one thing guys don't seem to get about most of us women. When we are in love, any little flaw is invisiable to us, even the bigger flaws. His body image is probably having a huge effect on desire that coupled with feeling inadequate.

I'm sure there feels like so many things going on at once but don't let it overwelm you. Tack them little by little one at a time.

[Ashlee T.]

Yep sounds like a lot of other issues going on as well that are factoring in to this lack of sex. And sounds like he's not so innocent in it either.

Are you in love with this man?

[withered_rose]

Mellybean, I think that there are so many things going on here with both of you. You are concerned for your health especially with being on the pill, and he may feel so inadequate about his performance with you to the point of where he is ready to give up. but when you try to make a move are his comments snide remarks? I mean yeah it has been a while for you guys but it doesnt mean that you aren't willing to give it a go. And as for the massage idea from beautiful disaster you dont have to give him a massage with all the lights on, light a few candles so you have atleast a little light to see by, sometimes making love by candle light is even more amazing because of the shadows but any way, try with the massage, its a great way to get things started.... and as far as sex being gross that's what it is, its dirty its nasty but its all around satisfying and fun, and just take a shower afterwards if you feel horribly gross. As for not having an orgasm from penetration there are many women that are not able to have that, I happen to be one of them on occasion, there are times when I just can't that way, it happens. To me it sounds like there is too much going on and all you need to do is just relax and enjoy the intimacy between you two. I would also say kind of re-start your sex life, start with just little caresses when he kisses you, kiss him back but passionately, start over with what got you wanting to have sex in the first place.

[WildChild]

I'm pretty sure its not a mental block with the waiting until marriage thing.. I used to be somewhat religious and now I'm not anymore so it doesnt matter. The rest kind of makes sense.. but it's not like he was asking for sex ever so I didnt want to hurt my heath by taking pills I didnt need to you know? Thats why I stopped taking them.. I guess it was a bad signial I never really thought of it. Another thing that probably doesnt help is that every time we had sex he would just say how disgusing it is and whatnot due to all the juices and stuff. We probably just need some growing up to do.. but I dont know when/how that will happen. Im going to try and work on it though for sure.

Oh Dear, Oh dear, Oh dear.
(I'm in an odd mood -Crone talk time)
You've both got some really negative self talk going on here. No wonder you are having problems. Here's my first reaction:

WHAT!!! Disgusting? How would he think it would be without all the "juices and stuff"?! That the good part. Without it nothing is happening. And you don't like his smell, taste or feel. The two of you have really got some stuff to work through. Sex is not dirty, not disgusting, not nasty, not gross, Not Unless You Think It Is.

Having taken a deep breath and calmed down...
(peaceful tinkling music)
Sex is a completely natural and wonderful thing that should bring you closer together and make you feel good! Part of arousal is scent, getting all those pheromones from each other. Letting your tongues play all over each other's bodies. If you don't get good and juicy, it's going to hurt like heck - if he can even enter you.

You do masterbate, that's good. Do you orgasm? If so that really good too. Does he masterbate? Or will he even admit if he does? A man who won't let you see his body because he's gained weight

Actually, wait a minute. (stop the background music) Get him in for a complete physical, ASAP. Not to be alarming but he's in the prime age group for testicular cancer, a drop in his testosterone levels would account for lessened libido and for weight gain as well as irritablity, low energy, depression, a host of things. There are a number of things that could caused a drop in his testosterone, why not just make sure this isn't at least in part a physical problem? (I dealt with this with my ex - its' no picnic but treatment beats the alternative)

(tinklely music can resume)
In the meantime why not get ahold of a few books, reading is so good for you. I'd suggest, The Orgasm Loop, Going Down, The New Tantra and at Mama Gena's School of Womanly Arts. The first three will give you some education and tips that will serve you in good stead now and all your life, and Mama Gena will give you a good dose of positive thinking about being juicy and loving your sexuality.

You wouldn't be on here asking if you didn't want to have a good and fullfilling sex life and hey, you can have that all your adult life. You're on the right track, seeking information and understanding, just keep after it.

[kms]

as others have mentioned, it sounds like you (both) have a mental block and aversion to what sex actually is. Not long ago I also used to think the fluid was gross, I also puked more than once when he asked me to take some of his semen in my mouth... I'm still not crazy about touching my own fluid, let alone his! However, here's what helped me:

1. a lubricant called "great head" - I bought it at a pure romance party. It basically makes your mouth numb so that you can give oral sex and get semen in your mouth - it definitely worked for me - I didn't even feel nauseous or even feel the texture of it in my mouth!

2. watch some porn, together even. In my whole 26 years of life, I never watched porn until recently, when my bf asked me to, in order to get a better idea of what sex actually is. I learned a LOT about different positions, what it looks like to enjoy sex, that it's ok and normal to make sounds (I was holding everything in - I was highly sexually repressed growing up), and even that the fluids are not only normal, but enjoyable! I'm still in the process of figuring it all out, but our sex life has completely changed.