[cassie66]

hello
i think we uild up a picture in our heads what sex will be like the first time, and otfen its very disappointng and nothing like you expected. try talking to him about how you feel and start with just kissing, romanitc meal movies etc and build up slowly see if that helps

[mellybean]

Mellybean, I think that there are so many things going on here with both of you. You are concerned for your health especially with being on the pill, and he may feel so inadequate about his performance with you to the point of where he is ready to give up. but when you try to make a move are his comments snide remarks? I mean yeah it has been a while for you guys but it doesnt mean that you aren't willing to give it a go. And as for the massage idea from beautiful disaster you dont have to give him a massage with all the lights on, light a few candles so you have atleast a little light to see by, sometimes making love by candle light is even more amazing because of the shadows but any way, try with the massage, its a great way to get things started.... and as far as sex being gross that's what it is, its dirty its nasty but its all around satisfying and fun, and just take a shower afterwards if you feel horribly gross. As for not having an orgasm from penetration there are many women that are not able to have that, I happen to be one of them on occasion, there are times when I just can't that way, it happens. To me it sounds like there is too much going on and all you need to do is just relax and enjoy the intimacy between you two. I would also say kind of re-start your sex life, start with just little caresses when he kisses you, kiss him back but passionately, start over with what got you wanting to have sex in the first place.

Just to clear it up, it isnt me who thinks sex is oh so gross.. its him. I think it is stuck in his head that if I dont orgasm during sex that he failed which I know is not true.. I imagine that isnt a problem for you, but how would you suggest getting him past that? What kind of things should I do before or after to make it okay to him?

[mellybean]

Oh Dear, Oh dear, Oh dear.
(I'm in an odd mood -Crone talk time)
You've both got some really negative self talk going on here. No wonder you are having problems. Here's my first reaction:

WHAT!!! Disgusting? How would he think it would be without all the "juices and stuff"?! That the good part. Without it nothing is happening. And you don't like his smell, taste or feel. The two of you have really got some stuff to work through. Sex is not dirty, not disgusting, not nasty, not gross, Not Unless You Think It Is.

Having taken a deep breath and calmed down...
(peaceful tinkling music)
Sex is a completely natural and wonderful thing that should bring you closer together and make you feel good! Part of arousal is scent, getting all those pheromones from each other. Letting your tongues play all over each other's bodies. If you don't get good and juicy, it's going to hurt like heck - if he can even enter you.

You do masterbate, that's good. Do you orgasm? If so that really good too. Does he masterbate? Or will he even admit if he does? A man who won't let you see his body because he's gained weight

Actually, wait a minute. (stop the background music) Get him in for a complete physical, ASAP. Not to be alarming but he's in the prime age group for testicular cancer, a drop in his testosterone levels would account for lessened libido and for weight gain as well as irritablity, low energy, depression, a host of things. There are a number of things that could caused a drop in his testosterone, why not just make sure this isn't at least in part a physical problem? (I dealt with this with my ex - its' no picnic but treatment beats the alternative)

(tinklely music can resume)
In the meantime why not get ahold of a few books, reading is so good for you. I'd suggest, The Orgasm Loop, Going Down, The New Tantra and at Mama Gena's School of Womanly Arts. The first three will give you some education and tips that will serve you in good stead now and all your life, and Mama Gena will give you a good dose of positive thinking about being juicy and loving your sexuality.

You wouldn't be on here asking if you didn't want to have a good and fullfilling sex life and hey, you can have that all your adult life. You're on the right track, seeking information and understanding, just keep after it.

Thanks for the entertaining advice haha.. like I said in the reply before this, my bf is the one who thinks sex is gross, not me! And yes he does masturbate, he is pretty open about it and all.. as i've watched him before. funny you mention the doctor thing, it's a long story but I'll condense it. Over a year ago his balls starting hurting him and to this day it has not gone away. He's been to a ton of doctors, proctologists, urologists and to no avail he was diagnosed with "chronic nonbacterial prostititus" which pretty much means there is nothing at all that can be done about it.. the dr's cannot figure out why he is hurting. This is probably another reason we stopped in the first place, I should have added this at the beginning but I didnt even think of it. He has taken up smoking herb lately which is the only thing that relieves his pain it seems so it is a little less irritating than it used to be.

[WildChild]

But did they do blood panels and test his hormone levels? Testicular cancer doesn't necessarily make the testicals look any different. My ex had a huge tumor in his chest cavity but it was testicular cancer. He'd had ultra sounds and a surgery for stragulated hernia and in all that they didn't pick up on the testicular cancer or the presence of a tumor. Something is going on! It may be a physical mainifestation of a emotional issue. But the mind can create very real physical problems.

If his sex drive was normal a bit of sore balls probably wouldn't do much more than slow him down a little, now would it? I mean if pain is stopping him from having sex, it would be stopping him from masterbating too. Hummm? This business of thinking it's icky is pretty immature. You really want to keep dealing with this? It doesn't look like this has as much to do with you not cumming as it does with not having his head screwed on straight. Smoking pot isn't going to make him any more sexually motivated and if he's truly concerned about his weight having the munchies won't help.

[withered_rose]

This is something that my fiance and I have done a couple of times lay in bed with each other all nice and cuddled up with one another and just ask him something totally out of the blue, as him about his favorite fantasy, and then just take it from there learn what you both like in bed, and as for what to do to help him feel like its not his fault that you don't orgasm, just talk with him I know that there are times when I don't and my fiance feels like its his fault a lot of the time but, its really not. Usually when I don't I always tell him that I am happy that he was able to and I know that I will get mine sooner or later, we are more about making sure that the other is pleased than pleasing ourselves. I dont really know how you feel about self-stimulation during penetration but if you try that it will defiantely rock both of your worlds and as far as the sex being gross from his point of view that's rather childish as far as I am concerned. I really don't know if its ever going to be ok with him wether or not you orgasm during sex. I just think that its part of the thought process that some men have, they think that a woman has to orgasm every time or they are not doing something right but its not true, I just know that with the men that I had been with before my fiance the didn't give a hoot at all wether or not I was pleased so the fact that I have a partner that actually cares about my sexual desires is very special to me, I honestly don't know what to tell you, about the whole what to do to help him be ok with it other than to talk to him about it.