[Teamstef]

Hi Ladies,
I'd like the point of view from women. My wife of 12 years has some fantasies about other women. I know she kissed other girls when she was younger but it never went further. Recently, with alcool in her body, she kissed a girl friend of hers. We discussed it and she admits to being curious about trying sex with another women and not with my involvment. She's happy about our sexual life but should I worry? My first reaction is not to be worried but I'd love to read your opinions. She says (and I tend to agree) that a couple can't be summarized to its sex life and that her experience would only be physical. I want my wife to be happy in her sexuality and this is a different thing she'd like to try. What do you think?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I think it's tricky.

Why is it that if a woman sleeps with a woman, the man doesn't consider it cheating, rather, exciting.. But, if a man slept with a woman, to try something "different", let's say that the wife wouldn't ever perform, it's cheating.

How do you view that personally? Do you realise that she in effect then will be cheating on you?

Will you believe her if she says, " well I've done it and I've satisfied my curiousity"? Or will you wonder each time she leaves the house, if she is doing it again?

Will she stray and actually prefer a female to female relationship "if she was to get very close to this person, over time without your knowledge"...

There are risks when in a relationship and allowing other sexual encounters to happen, you have to be personally prepared for them.

Fantasies are great, but not always best to be full filled for a variety of reasons...

I would ask myself the above questions first.

CW

[WildChild]

CW makes some good points. It all comes down to what the two of you can handle. Sometimes you don't know until it's too late, so think it over carefully.

[anonymouswhitemale]

Hi Ladies,
I'd like the point of view from women. My wife of 12 years has some fantasies about other women. I know she kissed other girls when she was younger but it never went further. Recently, with alcool in her body, she kissed a girl friend of hers. We discussed it and she admits to being curious about trying sex with another women and not with my involvment. She's happy about our sexual life but should I worry? My first reaction is not to be worried but I'd love to read your opinions. She says (and I tend to agree) that a couple can't be summarized to its sex life and that her experience would only be physical. I want my wife to be happy in her sexuality and this is a different thing she'd like to try. What do you think?

That's every man's fantasy, but "not with your involvement???" Gah! How depressing! Would you at least be allowed to watch??

[Teamstef]

Thanks CW

You do raise some good points that I had already tought about. My wife having sex with another women should be considered cheating. I know I should consider it that way but between should and would, there's often a world of difference. And I did tell her that I may end up wondering if her experience would lead her to find something she would like better than what she has. But you know what, I believe you can't force someone to stay in a relationship. If she is destined to cheat (with a woman or a man), she will even if I tell her I don't agree. My wife is a devoted wife and mother and she told me she would not do something like that if I told her it would jeopordize (I'm not sure it's written correctly, I'm french canadian) our mariage. So yes, I have the power to stop her from trying but do I want to? I don't know! And even she's not 100% convinced she would actually try it but I get the feeling she would under the right circumstances.

And I did tell her that if she does not see that has cheating, then she should not see me having sex with another woman as cheating. And even if she did try to say there's a difference, I don't really agree. And yes, I'm a man and it is kind of exciting...I don't know why that is....but it just is...

And ultimately, I'm not even sure I would want to know about it because, as you said, I may end up wondering every time she left the house. Of course, a relationship has to be very solid and open to get through this sort of thing and I believe we are. And honestly, I really don't believe she would leave our relationship and family for this. But as WildChild said, there's alot of unknowns in a situation like this.

That's why I'm trying to get the view from women...

And to answer anonymouswhitemale, sometimes the fantasy is better in your head than in reality. I've tried the threesome in the past (before I got married) and it was not as great as it was in my head. Don't get me wrong, it was worth it but it was not the best experience of my life. And I may end up getting to watch in this particular situation but probably not, it really depends on the situation. But ultimately, this is not my major question. It's really about how it could affect our relationship and how would I react. I have theories about my reactions but you never know until you live it. When I found out she kissed her girl friend, it was a little bit weird at first but then, I did not make a big deal out of it. It's almost exciting (for whatever male reason). Some people would see kissing someone else as cheating.

Love to read what women have to say about this...

Thanks

[Guest]

One girl I'm seeing recently told me about a girl she made-out with. I felt jealous.

Since i been seeing her for 4-5months, i have told her I don't want anything serious and we're both free to see anyone. In fact, I encouraged her in a way to do this to assuage my own guilt of seeing other women. I told her about one girl i had sex with recently and she was in tears. But, she tells me, "I'm loyal".

Aside from that, i encouraged her exploration of her bi-side. I got her to reveal details of makeouts and boob gropes she's had with other women (twice in the past). Now she is clearly heterosexual, with a very high-sex drive, but also, shall we say "experimental".

I told her various scenarios of me and her and a threesome, and going to strip-clubs together and pulling strippers etc. etc. She's all down for it.

So I'd have thought that if she did tell me she made out with another girl, whilst seeing me, I have no right to, nor would i have a problem with it (for the two reasons stated above - as i'm a "womaniser" and like the thought of her and another girl).

But her tale on Monday night did bother me. Maybe partly cos i was little stoned talking to her, but even now, there's pangs of jealousy.

I went out to a club on Friday night, and told her about it. This angered her, cos she knew what i would be getting up to (and i was). So she said she wanted to go crazy on the weekend, possibly vengeance at me. She told me she was in a club talking to a "really good looking guy" who told her he fancied her bla bla bla, and she said: "I thought about it, but then i thought of you, and i thought, nah, i'm not going to."

Ok that made me very jealous. But then she said she had girlfriends over on Sunday too. And they got drunk and she was playing with one in her garden in the snow, and they were both lying on the trampoline looking at the stars. They made out for two-minutes apparently. She said she wanted to be "rebellious" cos she was ****ed off at me. She also says the girl she kissed keeps texting her etc. and wants to pursue it.

I feel jealous... slightly. On a logical level i'm trying to defeat the feelings. I have not right to be jealous, and, the idea of her and a girl turns me on so I shuoldn't be jealous. But to be honest, she's very sweet and nurturing and giving, and i've grown attached to the attention she gives me. The idea of her sharing initimacy, at an evolved biological level, with ANYONE else, bothers me.

Fact is, we don't chose our emotions. The best we can do is try to control them. And if my relationship with this girl is never meant to amount to anything except "friends-with-benefits" then i jsut have to get used to the idea that she might do that again or move on.

Situation would be different if it was my wife. I wouldn't stand her donig that with another girl without me. NO

[Rebecca Deos]

While I do agree that she shouldn't do anything that makes you uncomfortable. But.....

It's not uncommon for a woman, as she gets older, to come to terms with her sexuality, and become comfortable with herself to be a bit more explorative. In many cases, that exploration is simply allowing yourself to have fantasies that you would never allow yourself to have when you are younger.

Guys seem to understand that they can have a quick sexual relationship and have it "mean nothing". Under certain circumstances, women can have those same desires.

I do think its a testament to your relationship that she feels comfortable enough to discuss it with you. I do hope you realize how much that is something to be proud of, and not something that many people are capable of building.

As far as putting the fantasy into action, it typically takes alot of work & communication, and many emotions, on both sides, are likely to appear.

The big issue seems to be is that it might be viwed as cheating. for some, it's not cheating if its an exploration that has the consent of both parties. In a way, that's just semantics. If you are not comfortable, you are not comfortable.

My advice would probably be "never say never", and enjoy what you have now. It might stay a fantasy, but at some point in the future, its possible that it could be taken to the next step. Either way, enjoy the moment, and appreciate that you have built the type of relationship that allows this type of communication.

[Merry]

I think she has someone picked out already, maybe the friend. That makes it really tricky. You really aren't comfortable with it, so just tell her you aren't ready for that yet, maybe at some point, but not right now.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Off course it's exciting... Just the thought of woman to woman seems to be a real turn on mentally... But, that is why you are posting is it not?

You are an intelligent person. You understand that "what may be a turn on, can turn against you later mentally".. If the threesome was great but not the be all and end all for you, just a good memory but not the best memory, then you may be the sort of person that feels the same after this event occurs...

And, therefore, I think it will bother you later, feel great at the inset.

I know from other threads, we all pretty much said " no, never with a friend".

I think the reasons behind this are:-

1. She may lose that friendship that she once had through un-comfortability

2. You may see that friend, out and about or she comes to your house to see your wife and you will wonder, or feel funny, or worse, discusted at her.

I think if you go through with it for any sanity, perhaps consider an outside source, place even away from home, someone and somewhere where you both will never go again.

CW

[Rebecca Deos]

I went out to a club on Friday night, and told her about it. This angered her, cos she knew what i would be getting up to (and i was). So she said she wanted to go crazy on the weekend, possibly vengeance at me. She told me she was in a club talking to a "really good looking guy" who told her he fancied her bla bla bla, and she said: "I thought about it, but then i thought of you, and i thought, nah, i'm not going to."

Ok that made me very jealous. But then she said she had girlfriends over on Sunday too. And they got drunk and she was playing with one in her garden in the snow, and they were both lying on the trampoline looking at the stars. They made out for two-minutes apparently. She said she wanted to be "rebellious" cos she was ****ed off at me. She also says the girl she kissed keeps texting her etc. and wants to pursue it.

I feel jealous... slightly. On a logical level i'm trying to defeat the feelings. I have not right to be jealous, and, the idea of her and a girl turns me on so I shuoldn't be jealous. But to be honest, she's very sweet and nurturing and giving, and i've grown attached to the attention she gives me. The idea of her sharing initimacy, at an evolved biological level, with ANYONE else, bothers me.

Fact is, we don't chose our emotions. The best we can do is try to control them. And if my relationship with this girl is never meant to amount to anything except "friends-with-benefits" then i jsut have to get used to the idea that she might do that again or move on.

Situation would be different if it was my wife. I wouldn't stand her donig that with another girl without me. NO

Wild,

I think in this case you have more going on here than you may realize. Yea, of course you are feeling something, possible jealousy. If you look at what you wrote, she is being emotionally/sexually abusive to you.

She told you of two occassions in which she was going to act out sexually because you made her mad. Not a responsible, mature way to act in a relationship.

Jealousy stems from insecurity, and what she did was put you in a place of insecurity, by attempting to put the blame on you. She's the only one responsible for her sexuality, and to try to lay it at your feet was an emotional game.