[Ashley52]

First, just to say, I'm a guy. I don't want to intrude on a woman's forum but reading on you'll see why I've come here.

Now, I know that sex is not all about orgasms and, in my own mind, the focus on either male or female orgasms is misplaced other than in short term sexual contact. However, my girlfriend brought to my attention that she felt pressure on her, in her past sexual encounters, to make guys think that she came. She didn't lie to them - she just felt awkward and, not surprisingly, the awkwardness made her less relaxed and less likely to come.

So, we're both intrigued to know what your experience is if you're okay to share it with us. Do you want / need / expect to orgasm during sex? Do you think that most men have your orgasm in mind during sex or if it happens it happens? Do most men even know how to bring you to orgasm?

Thank you in advance for any light you can shed on this matter.

[Richard S]

You should get your GF on here.

[Ashley52]

Thanks Richard, she is on here. She told me about this forum

[Richard S]

Sorry, I was being a bit of a brat.

My point was that you'll get more traction in this thread if you speak directly from your personal experience. I mean, of course orgasms are important to women.

I'm just saying that when you describe your GF's past experiences with other guys, in the second person, there's nothing here to form the basis of a thread. This forum offers lots of opportunity for frank male-female dialog, but you need to open up and put something personal at stake. For example, if you were having difficulty bringing your GF to orgasm, that would be different.

Maybe I'm totally off base, but it seems like there is a deeper issue you're dancing around. Or you are acting as your GF's proxy, which doesn't really work either.

[Richard S]

Sorry, I meant "third person" of course...

[Ashley52]

Richard, you're quite right of course. I was skirting the issue. In fairness (to me) I didn't really know what the issue was.

So, years back, I had a girlfriend for whom her orgasm was the primary goal of sex. She was directive and our sexual relationship was divisive, if not destructive. I was too shy to speak up.

My sexual relationship with my next girlfriend was quite the opposite. It was passionate, romantic and unfocused. Sometimes one or the other of us would come, sometimes neither. It was lovely and, sexually at least, we couldn't get enough of each other.

My current partner has delicately brought up the subject of female orgasm again. It seems that she's may never have had one even on her own (she's 25) and she wants to. I want her to also and I'm sure she will once she's entirely comfortable. What I want to avoid is getting back into objective sex.

I'm still not quite entirely sure why this bothers me so much when it seems that's what most couples are up to, in the West at least. Obviously I'm cautious about opening the scars acquired from my earlier relationship but I don't know if it quite as simple as that.

For many years I've felt that the focus on female orgasm has bit itself on the tail. We went from not knowing they existed to wondering what's wrong if they're not happening. My girlfriend told me that many of her previous partners would sheepishly ask after sex whether she'd come and she was always in the awkward position of saying no. This would in turn dampen the guy's masculinity.

I guess what I was asking here then is whether there other people out there who have a sex life they're happy with that doesn't have the goal of orgasm?

[marycate]

Hi guys, well my husband and I most certainly want and expect to have an orgasm during sex and yes I do say if I didn't cum. We talk every night ( before we get in bed) about what we feel like doing that night. I think some couples talk more about what they would like for dinner than what they would like with sex!!.
Anyway my husband almost always make we cum before he gets inside and I don't care if I don't orgasm again or not. He knows what I like as I do with him because we talk.

[Ashley52]

marycate, I admire the openness you share with your husband.

Do you ever try sex without orgasm or without making it an agreed goal?

[Hopeless Dork]

Orgasm is never goal when I have sex with my boyfriend, pleasure is. I only seek to feel good and 8 times out of 10 I am feeling so good I orgasm. Sometimes I am just slow getting "there" or my mind is distracted but I dont mind at all. There were a couple of times he didn't finish either , the first time it worried it me : thinking I wasn't sexy enough to put him over the top. But then I learned that its the same for men as women , sometimes just too tired, too distracted or too drunk (hehe) to complete. So I don't feel that way about it anymore.

I view our sex as our time to play with each other and get close, it doesnt always involve penetration it doesnt always mean each of us come. Sometimes he just pleases me sometimes I just please him. Most times we please each other. Makes no difference to me, we do it to enjoy each other.