[clabbergirl]

Hi J. I don't know if you're still posting here, but I found your post while I was searching for advice about my own sex life with my husband. Our situation sounds JUST like yours, and I am trying to figure out what to do.

I need lots of affection, but I couldn't care less about sex. I do enjoy it sometimes when we get into it, but that is RARE. Most of the time, my husband just pouts and asks me if I'm going to "take care of" him on any given night. And if I don't, he acts like a little kid, turning his back on me and acting all ****y.

We have been married for about a year and a half, and we are already in this awful cycle. I ask him to hug me during the day, and he takes it as a sexual advance. Either that, or he acts completely put off. We never hold hands unless I force him to, and then he acts like my hand is a dead fish he can't wait to drop.

I know that at one point, we cuddled and were close, but that seems like a million years ago.

We just had a baby three months ago, and now more than ever I'm exhausted and just have no interest in sex. My body has returned to normal, and I've even dropped a few pounds beyond where I was before I got pregnant, and I KNOW he finds me attractive. The problem is, he acts like I owe him sexual gratification, and he owes me nothing.

I can't stand it. I don't know what to do. I started writing him a note about it, because whenever I try to bring it up, he just gets mad.

Have you come up with any solutions? I am considering counseling, but we don't have time or money for that, and he would probably balk at it.

Anyway, just wanted you to know you're not alone, and I wanted someone to talk to about it.

Clabber

[CHANDLERS WISH]

That's sad...

No one owns anyone and we're not animals, that "give me" and i don't intend giving back it's give and take.

He sounds childish, selfish and has no understanding of a person's needs nor how to love and be loved.

It's like he wants it all but won't give back..

Your not a sex object.

Your not a slave.

You have every right to feel upset.

I am sorry that it seems to be that women find this after marriage, me too, and I waited till 36 before I even contemplated but hey, they are so set in their ways, the "old" ways and expect and that's it.

Can you change someone? No...

My ex would never agree either that there was a problem, he would say " when your nice" and so for 6 years as an example I never got kissed you think i will let that ever happen again? NO way...

It's like he wants to "control", you are now my wife, are you going to make me happy? if not, i will roll over.

Love, I know you just had a baby but you also have the wrong partner, if he can't see your special, the mother of his child, the woman whom looks after him, the woman whom only asks for kisses and cuddles and maybe she will give a bj and sex is wild because she is loved, he has no love, he has no idea how to.. He want's a wife to clean, cook and have a ........... with... that's what you are.

Councelling? Wake up call... Go home to the family and see how he reacts when you are no longer around and see if he changes, I don't think he will, I tried and gave a second chance, didn't happen.

My ex had "control" in his life and that's all he knew... He had bad experiences so wouldn't let a woman in...

It's hard but if their past is a bad past, you can't save them.

CW

[windfollower]

Hope this helps

clabbergirl,

Did you have a good sex drive prior to the baby? If you did you might want to talk to your doctor because you might have a chemical imbalance. This could really confuse a guy who has been waiting for things to get back to "normal".

For guys I think most women overlook one thing. Sex means you love us, are attracted to us and all is right with the world. If a women doesn't want sex and used to there is a problem and then we start wondering if they are getting it from somewhere else. Maybe not sex but the attention.

For me things are better. I've been out of work for a couple of months which doesn't help. Not sure if we will make it and maybe we aren't meant to be together.


Thanks for writing. I hope things work out for you. If you can't afford counceling you might pick up one of Dr. Phil's book.

[crosewood]

i suggest going to a couple's therapist..

your marriage ha problem that's deeper than just "sex." beyond the kids and the usual chores, do you connect still? as partners?

i understand why you'd want intimacy, touching, and care from him even when he doesn't want sex. of course, i understand him wanting sex too. it's a human need -- more strong in others than in some.

before you can give in to what he needs, he needs to be there for your needs too. i therapist might help you meet halfway.

i hope you can try work things out before considering divorce...

best of luck.

[pandemic]

Nice reading you

It was nice reading you.
I was searching online for some documentation about libido problems-- as my husband keeps bringing it up as a problem. I dont know understand why I lost all my libido.. I sure went through a lot a stress in the past few years - lots of articles mention stress and anxiety as possible causes.
I do love him and find him attractive -- but every evening or morning became a problem for me, as I know he will attempt to get some. He's always asking for it before he goes to bed -- and always gets frustrated when i dont feel like it or want to go to sleep.

He does have a drinking problem as well -- which turns me off as he's especially insistent and horny when he drinks... which is everyday. I know he's on porn sites every night -- for at least an hour. It gives him even more hardcore ideas -- which Im quite uncomfortable with.

I dont know if the problem is myself or him. But it definitely creates lots of frustration on his side. I'm so turned off about sex now -- I always feel the pressure to give him more (and his demands are always more hardcore) and that he will never get enough. Even when we have sex 3 days in a row , once or twice a day , he keeps demanding more -- so its like a battle lost in advance.

I though of taking medication -- but Im afraid of side effects -- and Ive never taken any medications of my life -- for anything -- so it's stressing me to go that route.

When we do have sex -- I do enjoy it, but I have to put a lot of effort to it.

So, it was nice reading you -- you're not alone .

[PJhavinfunagain]

Jnummed, your situation sounds much like mine. After having 2 kids, 3 major surgeries and a score of other minor health issues on top of being busy and preoccupied with other commitments sex was at the bottom of my priority list. It was a chore. Like you once I let it happen it was very enjoyable and was satisfied 99.9% of the time. My DH is a bit of a drinker too. To the point that yes it is a problem for me. I used to be a social drinker as well but again after pregnancies and nursing 2 babies it lost it's apeal. I have too much to do on a daily basis, getting a buzz is not an option.
My Dh can get really ****y about the no sex at times. Over the past year or so I tried to make a comitment to my marriage that it would be at least 3 times a month (or once a week ecept for durring my period) This helped.
You 2 really need to talk. He needs to know that you love him but if he wants more action he has to comit to more loving behavior. Make a contract For 1 month you will have se 2 times a week but he needs to touch you lovingly or say 1 nice thing to you at least once a day.
I know many times I would be in the mood then he would be a jerk to me or the kids. OK good feeling GONE! Guys just do not realize how our minds work different. For them you could have a horrible fight then still have sex. Women ... No way!
Now for me in the last few weeks the tables are turned. My sex drive has returned with vengance and DH says he is happy but now sex seems to be on his terms. Oh well... back to the drawing board... Communication is key... Now to take my own advice! :-)

[PJhavinfunagain]

darn... just realized how old this post was... oh well if you still check in {{{{HUGS}}}}}

[Guest]

It was nice reading you.
I was searching online for some documentation about libido problems-- as my husband keeps bringing it up as a problem. I dont know understand why I lost all my libido.. I sure went through a lot a stress in the past few years - lots of articles mention stress and anxiety as possible causes.
I do love him and find him attractive -- but every evening or morning became a problem for me, as I know he will attempt to get some. He's always asking for it before he goes to bed -- and always gets frustrated when i dont feel like it or want to go to sleep.

He does have a drinking problem as well -- which turns me off as he's especially insistent and horny when he drinks... which is everyday. I know he's on porn sites every night -- for at least an hour. It gives him even more hardcore ideas -- which Im quite uncomfortable with.

I dont know if the problem is myself or him. But it definitely creates lots of frustration on his side. I'm so turned off about sex now -- I always feel the pressure to give him more (and his demands are always more hardcore) and that he will never get enough. Even when we have sex 3 days in a row , once or twice a day , he keeps demanding more -- so its like a battle lost in advance.

I though of taking medication -- but Im afraid of side effects -- and Ive never taken any medications of my life -- for anything -- so it's stressing me to go that route.

When we do have sex -- I do enjoy it, but I have to put a lot of effort to it.

So, it was nice reading you -- you're not alone .

He is extremely attracted to you and wants you.

You are both at fault here, so why is husband the bad guy? You have to understand - as men, we feel that sex is a great indicator of our relationship health. If there isn't any, we're gonna feel like something is wrong. And yes, we're gonna feel bitter.

This is a bad negative feedback loop you guys are in: you want cuddling, he wants sex....neither of you will give in. And if either DOES decide to give in, it still isn't enough. Someone is going to have to turn the tide here for the sake of your marriage.

Give a little get a little.

Now-
You're not giving him any or as much as he wants- don't make him out to be a pervert cause he's looking at porn.

You might want to look into testosterone creams. They will help with your libido as well as your mood. Have a talk with hubby - tell him exactly what's going on. Tell him how you want to fix it, and tell him what you expect from him and that you expect him to keep up his side of agreement.

Good luck.

[Loveshoes]

On this topic, I have some experience with this. First off, we are all here for support and help. So just because you vented, don't feel like everyone will take your dirty laundry to air elsewhere...you came for help so you might as well leave it and see if something is offered.

Now, with that said, I had my tubes tied in 2002. Pre-tubal I was always wanting it. My libido was quite high and my husband was quite happy. Within 8 months of my tubal my libido was gone. I was having hot flashes, night sweats, losing hair like crazy and my mood swings were unreal. I could go from crying and being angry to laughing hysterically within 30 seconds. My libido was gone. I had absolutely none. If I never had sex again in this lifetime it would have been too soon and I didn't care that my husband wasn't getting any because if he had chosen to get a vasectomy like I asked then we wouldn't be having this issue. I went to 3 different specialists who all wanted to do bloodwork and it always came back fine. I knew there was something wrong. Within a year I gained almost 60 pounds which wasn't like my body at all. I was always little. I never weighed more than 102-105 and here I was at 155 pounds. I'm eating right, exercising like crazy and I keep gaining and gaining and gaining. Then I had one of the specialists who had the audacity to tell me that if I came to the bedroom one night a week to have sex with my husband and brought no baggage that everything would be fine. Screw that, the least of my issues was whether or not my husband was getting sex. Then a year later, my family physician found that my body was no longer producing the testosterone that I needed in order to offset all the estrogen I had so that I would be "normal" (for lack of a better word). He put me on some medication and like a wonder, everything leveled out over the next few months. I lost weight, I felt more normal and my libido went up.

Okay, so I didn't mean to hijack this thread, all I'm saying is that your lack of drive may be a medical issue more than a mental or an attitude. However, your husband cowering away from you like he does could be rejection that he feels because you don't have sex more and don't want or have a need to. They are very much creatures of a physical nature where women are creatures of a more nurturing and emotional nature. Its never quite even between us. Sometimes that makes it more difficult for them to understand that we aren't doing what we do because we don't find them attractive or that we might love them less. We just don't have that same need all the time. We get fed a different way.

[bootyliciousmona]

Between couples,I think SEX is LOVE.If he really loves you he wants to have sex with you and if you deny him that..............he may think you don't love him anymore or you may have another lover besides him so please remember not to separate SEX from LOVE and try to give him the sex he wants if you really loves him otherwise you may risk losing him for another woman.