[Okaishi]

Hello everyone,

I have what I consider to be a serious problem; my libido has 100% vanished. I'm not sure when this happened, but I'm only 25 years old, I've never given birth, am perfectly healthy otherwise (aside from some allergies), and I'm getting married in less than two months.

I used to be perfectly sexually active. I'd have consider myself rather healthy in that respect. But lately, for at least the past several months, I have no desire for sex or anything sexual at all. I don't think this is a problem between me and my fiance because I don't even fantasize or masturbate or anything at all, nor do I have any desire to do so. Honestly, I think if you put Brad Pitt in a speedo in front of me right now I'd go, "Meh" and walk away.

I want to fix this, whatever has happened to me, because it's starting to really upset my fiance, who gets turned down so often. I've tried just forcing myself to do it, but that just results in me getting annoyed and upset. It's actually gotten to the point where we'll be having sex and it won't be over fast enough for me and I'll start to get angry. I had to bite a pillow as hard as I could the other day to keep myself from punching my fiance and telling him to hurry the up.

I've had people tell me it's just related to stress, but I've tried everything from baths and aromatherapy to relaxation tapes and major diet changes. I honestly don't think this is a stress issue.

I'm desperate to fix this and am even considering taking female-libido-enhancing pills, but they're just so expensive.

Does anyone have any ideas/suggestions/comments/thoughts? I'm getting really desperate here. I'm starting to see the depression in my fiance's eyes.

[ItsASecret]

I wouldn't suggest any medications that claim to increase the libido, very few are actually FDA approved. Even if you did decide to go to your doctor and get them they would take at minimum 4-6 weeks to have even a tiny effect.

Are you depressed? Stress is one thing but being depressed really puts a damper on things. You should talk to your fiance about situations and sex in general to see if you can find anything that has changed in your life that may be the cause for your lack of sexual interest. People will recommend therapists and I would as well if that is your kind of idea of a solution. The problem could be hormones but again it would likely go back to depression related symptoms and that can be fixed through medication or therapy. However if your not depressed then the only thing I guess you could do is talk to your fiance about it so he understands that it is frustrating for you and you are not purposely doing it.

[Okaishi]

I wouldn't classify myself as depressed, no. I am depressed about this particular issue, and I do tend to get groggy and lethargic when the weather is really bad out, but in general I'm a happy person with a good life.

I hate to try and talk to my fiance about it because he's really bad for blaming himself for these things. Even if I tell him that I think it's something medical I know he'll still assume that it's something he's doing wrong.

I just wish there was something I could do to fix myself. I've tried so many things, including sneaking off with a vibrator to see if I can get myself in the mood, but nothing works. It's extremely frustrating that I can't find any sort of solution out there.

[fallenangel]

Are you on any medication? what birth control do you use? maybe it's a side effect of something you're on. since you know exactly when you lost your sex drive, think back of what changed then.

[WildChild]

Fallens suggestion is a good one, why not start with a complete physical? Get your hormone levels checked while you are at it. Then take a good look at your diet and exersize patterns. Food is chemicals and what you eat can affect your mood and libido. Do soul searching too, it sounds like you've got some bottled up anger, it may relate to marriage or to your fiancee but better name it and clear it.

Why not try Mama Gena's Spring Cleaning technique? I got this from Mama Gena's Marriage Manual. Sit by yourself and aloud in an expressionalees manner, ask and answer:

What do you have on (name - person, marriage, yourself, whatever you are focusing on)?
Then answer out loud. This is a way to dump your negative feelings without spreading them around on others.
Then ask again, "what do you have on.....?
Do this for 10 or 15 mins. If you want you can do it with another woman but be certain you can trust that they won't share what you've said.

For example you might say:
What do you have on (fiancee's name)?
I'm angry he didn't get the butter I asked him to.
What do you have on (fiancee's name)?
I'm really sad that I'm not enjoying sex with him anymore

You just say what comes to mind, there may be some good things too, but you just keep doing for the time period and see what comes out, it's a tool to help you unload some of your garbage.
This may help you to release some stress and you may surprise yourself that something comes out that you hadn't admitted to yourself. At any rate, it can't hurt and might help so why not give it a try?

[nk444]

lost interest in sex too

okaishi, i am 42 and have not wanted to have sex with my husband for over 14 years, so i was just a little older than you when i lost interest. i have hidden it for many years, and until recently i refused to talk about it and simply "faked" interest. this has been a miserable way to handle it, i admit.

i don't think it's hormones and i don't think it's depression. i think i lost the attraction in my husband for some reason soon after we were married. for years i pretended that i had simply lost interest in sex until recently when i became strongly attracted to another man. then i realized, "hey, i am interested in sex, just not with my husband!". now i can look back and see that i have repressed my desire for sex because i had no desire for my husband.

please, don't do this to yourself or your future husband. get it all out on the table right now and don't go any further towards marriage until you get some answers as to why this has happened.

i am just now coming out of the closet with this issue and hope to find some answers myself.

are there any other women out there who have lost interest in their spouses and/or mates?

[Hopeless Dork]

If your sex drive has been fine until recently, and only now presenting a problem - 2 months before your wedding... I don't think its a stretch to think its stress. You have a major life change a' coming and thats enough to create some anticipation, worry etc. I would try not to think about it too much, and please please please, dont punch your fiance during sex (unless he wants you too, lol) his self-esteem is going to be affected by your lack of drive - he will feel responsible for it, as everyone always does when their SO loses interest in sex. Letting him know you are a little too anxious lately to enjoy it is fine, getting mad at him for finding his future wife attractive and wanting to be with her.. is kind of mean.

Relax and try not to think about it, after the wedding if your still feeling Asexual, talk to your doctor, if you are on antidepressents, hormones (birth control pills) any thing at all might be affecting you etc.

[mamapadma]

nk444: Yes! I have been married for 18 years and we have children together. I have not been sexually attracted to my husband for most of our time together. I have been unhappy to greater and lesser degrees about this over the years and thought that there was something wrong with me sexually until I found myself attracted to other men and able to feel quite sexually aroused. Ah-oh! Affairs are really not in my constitution however. Our youngest is a teenager now and I am beginning to look ahead, contemplating the possibility of a change in a couple years.

Your post was made in 2009, so I imagine that you have found some answers for yourself. Did you make some changes and how are things now?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I doubt that after 2 years, 5 posts you are going to get an answer nk444...Welcome to the Forum.

It is a shame when you spend so many years with a person, and not feel a connection, not want affection, intimacy and just go about your life, being "married" and a "Mother"...at some point, you do look at it and think, am I going to waste the next 18 years? And, same for your Husband, not having intimacy with his wife, as she does not find him sexually attractive, is depriving him of love, bonding...

When children are involved I understand, that it is easier for them to cope when they are little Adults, dating themselves, before separation occurs...

However, you are not doing yourself any good, nor your husband by remaining in a loveless marriage for the sake of children.

CW

[oxy-moron]

Old thread- but the OP Okaishi is an extreme candidate for Candida Albicans- If she is still on the site she needs to get a copy of a book called the Yeast Connection. The Doctor that wrote the book had a lot of patients with Allergies-and the patients tended to get groggy and lethargic when the weather was really bad out-as she put it. He had a lot of his patients complain of totally lost Libido. He fixed a lot of the problems with anti Fungal oral medications such as Nilstat and recommended probiotics and avoiding sugar.