[Sarah1987]

Greetings everyone!

I'm new here, I'll introduce myself better in the intro section in the meantime my name is Sarah & I'm 21.

I'm having sex problem =( I can't ask my family/friends because I come from a very religious background & this topic isn't discussed. Before I can go on I'll tell you a little about myself. I never took sex ed courses, never had 'sex talk' with parents or anyone for that matter, I didn't even know how the act of sexual intercouse was done. I am brought up in a religious family & I was never taught this stuff. I don't believe in pre-marital so I waited for marriage (I got married late December of '08).

Just before my day was to come I started reading books about sex. At 21 I learned where the male's member enters (remember I was never taught this). I never in my life 'played' with myself, actually I never knew people do that till recently. I got married & the first night with my husband was painful! I was bleeding a lot & he stopped (he didn't enter all the way). He was very gental & understanding, he made sure I was comfortable & didn't do anything I didn't want. We stopped that night but in the next morning we tried again & he broke it. I was still bleeding & I continued to bleed for 3-4 days or so.

My husband has a demanding job which requires him to travel a lot. After our one week honey moon (4 days actually, it was cut short) he had to take care of business & we didn't have sex for about a month. The next time we had sex I bleed again on the first night of his return & sex was still painful. We had lots of sex & I was hoping I would be 'streched out' enough & the pain would go away. Eventually it did over tim but now the problem is I can't feel anything =( yes we have lots of forplay, yes I get wet, yes I am attracted to my husband. But I can feel sex at all! It started of painful, then numb, now I can only feel him going in an out of me.

We try different possitions, he fingers me but I don't like it so I tell him to stop, he gives me oral & I don't like that either. I fake it in bed & act like I'm enjoying it just to make my husband feel better. But in reality I can't feel it, I can only feel something going in & out, it's very tight...that's it. We don't have a sex regularly but when we get the chance we do it A LOT. He is leaving his job to spend more time for me. He is a very loving & caring husband.

Do I need to see a doctor? Is this normal? I don't have anyone to teach me this kinda stuff.

Thanks for taking the time to read.

[Sarah1987]

Please Excuse my typos, it's hard to type on the iphone.

[WildChild]

I'm so glad you decided to ask. We've lots of people with good ideas and advice on here. I'm going to recommend another book to you - don't know what you've read but I think it's an excellent source. Get a copy of The Orgasm Loop, by sex therapist Susan Crain Bakos.

I really think faking it is a bad idea because neither you or your husband are learning anything with that. Just as if you cooked a new dish and wanted honest feedback, if everyone told you it was wonderful, when really it was dull and spiceless, how would you know to change the recipe? You'd be thinking this is not really very good but everyone seems to like it so I'll just keep making it this way.

Being tight is good, you feel more that way. Have you tried using some additional lube? When you say he fingers you, is he simply using his fingers in your vagina? There are actually very few nerves in the vagina, they are really all concentrated in that little button - the clitorus. But your clit is more than that one little spot, the nerves entend into your body and that is what allows for vaginal orgasm. Exactly where "the spot" is varies from woman to woman. For me it takes fairly deep penetration or really shallow, I'll bet other women on here will report that and everything in between working for them.

I'll take a guess that you need more arousal. That can include lots of mood setting, a warm shower or soak in the tub, flowers, candles, lots of sweet talk, caressess, a massage. Have him tenderly and slowly kiss all over your body, exploring, using an avoidance technique where he touches and kisses all around an area, such as your nipples, until you really feel you want and need him to touch there, this help build desire. Learning to pleasure yourself would help your body become more responsive and you to better know what you need. I'm not a big fan of using a vibrator regularly because they can reduce your sensitivity but that might be a good way to experience some orgasms so you know what you are trying to achieve.
Keep working on it, you'll get there.

[Hopeless Dork]

I agree with wildchild it sounds like you do need some more arrousal, build up in order to enjoy the sensations in a more satisfying way. Make out like teenagers for a while, lots of kissing and rubbing outside the clothes, give yourself a chance to yearn more for the touches, when they are placed and you aren't into it, its as erotic as having an elbow rubbed. You have to be turned on to enjoy it.

I think some self exploration might help you, you say he is away a lot - use that time to your advantage... take a long hot bath, think sexy thoughts, allow yourself to feel your body without guilt - you are allowed to feel good. Have a glass of wine and climb in between some nice soft sheets, naked. Allow yourself to explore your body while at the same time indulging in fantasies that excite you. Have you ever thought of something, read a passage in a book or watched a steamy scene in a movie that gave you any sort of tingle sensations down below?

If so try recreatring those with your mind, renting a sexy dvd (not necessarily porn, something like "unfaithful" has some really hot scenes :-) or pick up that book that has the words that move you, or just think about the things that do it for you.

I think once you find out for yourself, what it takes to bring you pleasure, the thoughts you need, the state of mind required, the relaxation involved as well as the places that feel good to be touched, and the ways to touch them... you will be able to guide your eager husband into sharing them with you.

Most people find great pleasure in pleasing their partner, would it hurt your feelings to know that while having sex with you ... he was just going through the motions, that it wasn't pleasurable but he faked it for your benifit? I am sure it would, and for men its no different - most genuinly want to bring you the pleasure your body deserves. You waited so long for it, and perhaps denied yourself a lot of the sensations that were naturally occuring due to your background and beliefs.. not that there is anything wrong with that.

But you are married now, and should be able to celebrate your commitment by enjoying the pleasures you two can have. I wish you best of luck and those books WC reccomends would probably help you quite a bit!

[amaranthine]

I think it's a relaxation problem. I get a lot more from sex now than I ever have, and it's because I've learned to relax during sex. Take deep breaths and relax your muscles. It's amazing how tense you are without even realizing it.

How do you think of sex now? You said you didn't believe in pre-marital and were raised very religious. Do you feel that sex is somehow "unclean", that you're only allowed to do it because you're married? I think perhaps your mindset on the entire topic is blocking you off to the idea of even accepting sex as a pleasure - pure pleasure. Not an obligation to your husband, but a way to make YOU feel good.
Being selfish is not a bad thing. Do you feel guilty about wanting to take pleasure in sex?

You also said you've never touched yourself before, so I HIGHLY recommend it. Find out what feels good. DO NOT feel guilty about. The clit is the ONLY organ in the human body that is designed solely for pleasure - it contains over 8,000 nerve endings, which is twice the number in the penis (and the clit is much, much smaller). Imagine that! It really is a magic button for the unique purpose of giving a woman an orgasm. USE IT! Why else would you have it?

[ItsASecret]

I know sometimes I barely feel anything from sex when I am wet, but that is because I get very very wet. You need a bit of friction during sex to feel it but if there is too much it will hurt. Maybe you cannot feel anything because of too much lubrication.

As for being unexposed to sexual education because of your past, you need to do just as these other posters are saying and learn it yourself. Start with just simple motions to get a feel for your body, don't bother trying to orgasm at first. Once you have found out that the clitoris is the female pleasure point it will be much easier to use relaxation techniques to reach an orgasm. Try not to worry about needing to know a lot, that can come later if you are even interested.

[hello_pitty]

I agree with everything said above. But you can expand your sexual exploration by trying different positions (like woman on top..I recommend it), go slower, maybe you're rushing? Also you can try different lubes, like the tingly kind or the warming lubrication.

Does he move really fast and hard when he plays with you down there with his hands? I know I don't like it when my hub rubs too fast...I like it when he moves slow and barely touching me.

I agree, get some more books and read up girl...you'll be glad you did!

[Sarah1987]

I'm so glad you decided to ask. We've lots of people with good ideas and advice on here. I'm going to recommend another book to you - don't know what you've read but I think it's an excellent source. Get a copy of The Orgasm Loop, by sex therapist Susan Crain Bakos.

I really think faking it is a bad idea because neither you or your husband are learning anything with that. Just as if you cooked a new dish and wanted honest feedback, if everyone told you it was wonderful, when really it was dull and spiceless, how would you know to change the recipe? You'd be thinking this is not really very good but everyone seems to like it so I'll just keep making it this way.

Being tight is good, you feel more that way. Have you tried using some additional lube? When you say he fingers you, is he simply using his fingers in your vagina? There are actually very few nerves in the vagina, they are really all concentrated in that little button - the clitorus. But your clit is more than that one little spot, the nerves entend into your body and that is what allows for vaginal orgasm. Exactly where "the spot" is varies from woman to woman. For me it takes fairly deep penetration or really shallow, I'll bet other women on here will report that and everything in between working for them.

I'll take a guess that you need more arousal. That can include lots of mood setting, a warm shower or soak in the tub, flowers, candles, lots of sweet talk, caressess, a massage. Have him tenderly and slowly kiss all over your body, exploring, using an avoidance technique where he touches and kisses all around an area, such as your nipples, until you really feel you want and need him to touch there, this help build desire. Learning to pleasure yourself would help your body become more responsive and you to better know what you need. I'm not a big fan of using a vibrator regularly because they can reduce your sensitivity but that might be a good way to experience some orgasms so you know what you are trying to achieve.
Keep working on it, you'll get there.

Thanks for the advice, I'll defo read that book. As far as the faking goes when I first told him I couldn't really feel anything he looked upset because he was trying really hard to please me. Then he said to me "If you couldn't feel it then why did you act as if you liked it?" I didn't want him to catch on to the fake moans so I said "I could feel a bit and it does feel good but not 100%, remember I'm new to this". Ugh if he found out I was faking it he would have been heart broken. I got myself into this and I don't know how to get out of it

As for the fingering yes its inserted inside me, it was painful and I didn't like it so I told him to stop. I agree with the more arousal part however I thought once you're wet then you're set. I'll try that more, thanks. I can't masturbate though, I've always been taught it was is a sin. It goes against my beliefs and I don't feel comfortable doing it, I've always thought it was boys who do it but recently I found out girls do it too. I couldn't do such thing.

[Sarah1987]

I agree with wildchild it sounds like you do need some more arrousal, build up in order to enjoy the sensations in a more satisfying way. Make out like teenagers for a while, lots of kissing and rubbing outside the clothes, give yourself a chance to yearn more for the touches, when they are placed and you aren't into it, its as erotic as having an elbow rubbed. You have to be turned on to enjoy it.

I think some self exploration might help you, you say he is away a lot - use that time to your advantage... take a long hot bath, think sexy thoughts, allow yourself to feel your body without guilt - you are allowed to feel good. Have a glass of wine and climb in between some nice soft sheets, naked. Allow yourself to explore your body while at the same time indulging in fantasies that excite you. Have you ever thought of something, read a passage in a book or watched a steamy scene in a movie that gave you any sort of tingle sensations down below?

If so try recreatring those with your mind, renting a sexy dvd (not necessarily porn, something like "unfaithful" has some really hot scenes :-) or pick up that book that has the words that move you, or just think about the things that do it for you.

I think once you find out for yourself, what it takes to bring you pleasure, the thoughts you need, the state of mind required, the relaxation involved as well as the places that feel good to be touched, and the ways to touch them... you will be able to guide your eager husband into sharing them with you.

Most people find great pleasure in pleasing their partner, would it hurt your feelings to know that while having sex with you ... he was just going through the motions, that it wasn't pleasurable but he faked it for your benifit? I am sure it would, and for men its no different - most genuinly want to bring you the pleasure your body deserves. You waited so long for it, and perhaps denied yourself a lot of the sensations that were naturally occuring due to your background and beliefs.. not that there is anything wrong with that.

But you are married now, and should be able to celebrate your commitment by enjoying the pleasures you two can have. I wish you best of luck and those books WC reccomends would probably help you quite a bit!

Thanks you for the advice. I can't do any "self exploration", it goes against my beliefs. I can do anything with my husband however I can't do things like that in private. And I can't watch movies with 'steamy scenes', again I come from a very religious background and these things are abomination.

I totally agree with you on the faking part and it is my fault. Now I don't know how to get out of it, I can't tell him "Honey I've been faking it this whole time"...I can't imagine how bad he'd feel.

[Sarah1987]

I think it's a relaxation problem. I get a lot more from sex now than I ever have, and it's because I've learned to relax during sex. Take deep breaths and relax your muscles. It's amazing how tense you are without even realizing it.

How do you think of sex now? You said you didn't believe in pre-marital and were raised very religious. Do you feel that sex is somehow "unclean", that you're only allowed to do it because you're married? I think perhaps your mindset on the entire topic is blocking you off to the idea of even accepting sex as a pleasure - pure pleasure. Not an obligation to your husband, but a way to make YOU feel good.
Being selfish is not a bad thing. Do you feel guilty about wanting to take pleasure in sex?

You also said you've never touched yourself before, so I HIGHLY recommend it. Find out what feels good. DO NOT feel guilty about. The clit is the ONLY organ in the human body that is designed solely for pleasure - it contains over 8,000 nerve endings, which is twice the number in the penis (and the clit is much, much smaller). Imagine that! It really is a magic button for the unique purpose of giving a woman an orgasm. USE IT! Why else would you have it?

Thanks for the response. I am very relaxed, however it doesn't hurt to be more at ease.

I do accept sex as a pleasure, and this pleasure should be shared between a husband and wife. I don't want to offend others and I'll keep my beliefs to myself. But I don't think my mindset blocks anything, I was brought up this way however I had the choice whether I want to practice this belief and I chose to as I found it to be a good way of life.

I wouldn't play with myself in private since it's sinful, BUT I can do it with my husband. I'll try this magic button