[Mabel]

Dear readers,

I have been in a relationship with a very smart, funny, and kind woman (we are in our twenties) for a year. She is unable to orgasm when we have sex unless she touches herself and this is frustrating to me (although she has said a couple of times that she thinks it is the result of masturbating to hard and too often when she was younger). It makes me feel like something is wrong, although I can't pinpoint my feelings beyond that. I don't know if there is something wrong with me, or if I should work on this "problem" by insisting that I be the one to make her orgasm?

I am also frustrated and feel vulnerable that she masturbates on her own quite a bit. Sometimes I wake up to her masturbating; sometimes I walk into the bedroom and she is masturbating; sometimes I catch her masturbating when she is working at her desk (from home). For some reason, and I can't say why, it makes me feel a little angry.

How can I best help this situation? She doesn't know I am this concerned.

Any advice or similar experience are very appreciated!

[Hopeless Dork]

If her drive is higher than yours I don't see why you should be concerned if she is masturbating. If she is denying you sex and prefferring masturbation, then you would have a cause for worry - but if she just wants it more than you do - what harm really in her pleasing herself?

Orgasm isn't easy for many women - some NEVER achieve one , even through masturbation. The fact that she is sexual enough to want to have one, trusts you enough to masturbate in front of you - it really should make you feel good about yourself not bad.

Its not your inability to "make" her have an orgasm, she is helping you, womens bodies are complex and need a lot more specific stimulation to achieve orgasm then most men do. Watch her, if you want to be the one to do it for her, try to learn how she touches herself when you are penetrating her.. and use your fingers instead.

Expecting her to come with your penis alone and feeling bad if she doesn't is asking a lot as for a lot of women this is not possible. You shouldn't feel bad, its not at all you, its her wanting to experience the same pleasure you do when you orgasm, why would you want to deny her that just to prove a macho point that you are capable of doing it by yourself?

[blondie80]

To be honest I dont see this as a problem, she has free will to masturbate when she wants or do you feel you aren't satisfying her needs? Maybe talk to her about that one, other wise you will probably end up resenting her for it later on. HD is right if she has a higher sex drive then she is just taking care of business, at least she is only masturbating not seeing someone else.
As for the orgasms, well many women cant have an orgasm through sex as far as im concerned thats why there is foreplay! That is how a womans body works, if you have a look on the net at different things you will find this in so many cases its just a real normal thing to happen, it shouldnt make you feel bad just feel happy that she is enjoying it enough and trusts you enough to orgasm even if she needs to help herself.
Many women can only have an orgasm through stimulating the clitorus, which your penis really isnt going to touch if your inside her, design flaw really for women, and the age old g-spot is very hard to find and in most cases a woman will never have a g-spot orgasm, this is just something that you have to accept or otherwise your going to put pressure on her to perform and you will probably find her faking orgasms and holding out on her orgasms to please you and her sex drive will just stop over time.
Talk to her believe a woman this is not your fault, it really is something that is more common than you can poke a stick at you should really be happy that she trusts you and is comfortable with you and accept that she is getting pleasure thats what is meant to happen, if you want to make her reach orgasm then do it through foreplay before sex and then you know you have made her yourself.

[Mabel]

Thank you so very much for your thoughts! I should note - and I did not earlier - that I am also a woman. We're in a lesbian relationship and I've dated girls since I was a teenager. Perhaps this changes what response you have?

I appreciate and know that not all women can orgasm from penetration. Thanks for the foreplay suggestion, and thanks also for pointing out that it is a good thing she feels comfortable to masturbate in front of me!

[Hopeless Dork]

Sneaky sneaky mabel! ha just kidding, I think most of it still stands other than trying to explain to you the womans orgasm since you obviously know :-) It takes a lot of trust to be able to share something that private with the one you love, for the first time in my life I am able to do that in my relationship and it means so much to me to be so free, it would make me sad to think that my SO was secretly hurt by me sharing that with him. Its not at all meant to discourage him from touching me, or to make him feel I like when I do it better, its not.. Its just me sharing my most intimate, private moments of pleasure.

You definitely should feel good about the fact she is so sexual in your presense, it has everything to do with how you make her feel.

[amaranthine]

I wouldn't be so upset about this... I often have to touch myself when my boyfriend and I have sex to orgasm as well. He doesn't have a problem with it, and encourages me to do it.

Maybe touching herself is the only way your girlfriend can orgasm.

[rcoreyus]

If she enjoys doing this, and she is happy to provide you with pleasure as well, I don't see any problem at all. A lot of people think that watching their partner masturbate is really hot.

If she has hinted that you aren't pleasing her it would be different, but it doesn't sound like that is the case.

If you find her masturbating, is she happy to take care of you then and there? That should remove any feelings of resentment. (certainly would for me)

I'm way out of my element here (being a straight man), but I would think that gays / lesbians would tend be more interested in masturbation - after all they are more likely to be excited by the parts they are touching.

[WildChild]

We condition our sexual response through our experiences and thoughts. She may well be conditioned to orgasm to her own touch. She could learn to expand her responsiveness. Talk about it with her? Tell her how much it would mean to you to bring her to orgasm.

[Zoe Atkinson]

My girlfriend does exally the same thing it's really upsetting and I feel kinda angry about it just don't know how I'm meant to feel that my gf would rather do it her self than let me give her an orgasm and I'm appenpltly selfish for wanting to be able to give her an orgasm

[amaranthine]

My girlfriend does exally the same thing it's really upsetting and I feel kinda angry about it just don't know how I'm meant to feel that my gf would rather do it her self than let me give her an orgasm and I'm appenpltly selfish for wanting to be able to give her an orgasm

...Seriously? You obviously don't understand the female orgasm. A lot of women can't achieve one unless they do that. You ARE being selfish. It's easy for you to get off, not so for her.