[blondie80]

Now I know myself that I have read a few of these threads and now it seems I need everyone elses advice here! The last few weeks my partner hasnt been working and we have been spending a bit of time together, sex of a night has become either incomplete or not there at all which I thought to start with might of been the medication for his back, but then realised how quick he was to jump me when I had taken the kids to school a few times, I recently discovered that he has been watching porn of a morning while i have been taking the kids to school and of course he is horny when I come in, I asked him how often he watches it he said maybe once a month and when I baught up a site he said he had never used it which i knew was a lie but any way my question is what am i meant to do? He doesnt involve me in it at all though i have asked he assumes I dont know that behind my back he is watching porn 3 to 4 times a week not once a month and im starting to feel that when i come onto him when he hasnt been watching it that sex just doesnt work does everyone else see this as a problem? What am I meant to do or say because right now im mad as and I cant get my head around all of this at all!

[sarahmay]

Hi blondie,
Just so you know, these are just my personal opinions on the topic of pornography, and I mean nothing nasty by it.

I personally don't see porn as a good thing whatsoever. I understand everyone (men mainly) get curious, particularly when they're younger, and the curiousity is strengthened from biological desires and simply because it's a "naughty" thing to do. But to watch porn consistently is corruptive to the mind and body. You become so dependent on it, and mental blocks like, "I can't have good sex without watching porn shortly before hand" or "I can't have good sex without thinking about the porn I watched the other day". I'm not saying your husband necessarily has these thoughts, but they can most certainly form over time. I've been told by men before that they can't masturbate without using porn, and they need to masturbate because it's healthy to cum once a day. Eh, sure buddy, but when you're doing it 2 - 5 times a day, I think you're not really that concerned with health. Porn becomes a neccesity in their sexual life one way or another. Also, you become numbed to sex, seeing it only as a 'thing' to do because its fun. And you know what, for some people thats okay, and I'm not judging that, but in your situation, I think your relationship means a bit more than that.

Porn effects the parter of the person watching it too. They feel bad about themselves for not being able to arouse or please their partner. They feel guilty, alone and not good enough or attractive enough. They feel like their partner needs to look at other people going at it because their not satisfied enough to be doing the real thing with the person they love.

All in all, porn equals out to have a much more negative effect than a positive one.
My suggestion is to talk to your husband about it, but don't nag. Say you want him to be honest with you and that you won't get mad, and if he owns up, explain why it upsets you (if it does). Try and be gentle though, society has become to de-sensitised to things like sex and porn that we don't even realise how impacting and brainwashing it can be.

All in all, I think you need to say that if he loves you, he will respect your wishes, so long as they are reasonable.
And in this case, I think they would be reasonable. If he can't see that, well, maybe try giving him absolutely no sex for a while, and see what he prefers.

[jr]

Porn is like a drug.

Too much and it can ruin lives.

When used in moderation it can enhance or improve the intimate experience.

Generally, when it becomes a problem, it is a symptom of something else.

I would encourage you to discuss it with him openly, honestly and in a non-threatening manner.

[MrPleazr]

Why is it ok for woman to read romance novels, but not for men to watch porn? If you understand that men are more visual and woman are more mental (and I mean that in a good way for this instance, LOL) what really is the difference? It's all fantasy... Which in most cases is perfectly healthy.

Moderation is the key... Sarahmay, what you discribe is on the excessive end of the spectrum, not the norm...

Blondie, I understand that your upset that he lied to you about how much he watches. I would be surprised if most men would answer honestly if asked point blank about how often they watched, especially when it's obvious that you don't approve. Some might say he was just trying to spare your feelings.

Sometimes, I'm way more in the mood in the morning. It could be that he is already in the mood when he wakes up but can't do anything about it until you take the kids to school. So, while your gone, he gets himself even more worked up by watching while he's waiting for you to get back and then jumping your bones.... Then, other times, is it possible that maybe he's just not in the mood. Trust me, the moods come and go for men just like they do woman. The difference, many times, a woman can pop out a boob and POW!! he's in the mood again, LOL, unfortunately it doesn't work that way for woman....

I think maybe your reading more into it than there is. Now, if it upsets you for him to watch porn at all, then you need to discuss that with him, but you have to be reasonable....

[WildChild]

I get your point but...the latest research on brain activity shows that women are just as visually stimulated as men. LOL. But they are trained into not responding or not trained into responding, depending on your point of view.

I read a sex therapist who had an Interesting Idea. She said that because men'e sexual organs are right up front and very visible that they are trained from an early age to recognize what stimulates a sexual response for them. It's pretty un-miss-able. But little girls have everything tucked away and recognising female arousal takes a bit more awareness, so most girls don't establish this early recognision of what stimulates them.

Anyway back to porn, we are really breaking new ground here because it is so easily and widely available on a scale never imagined in human development. As we learn more about how our brains are wired and programmed to respond, we find out that the brain really is a lot like a computer - gigo. It takes the mind (I distinguish mind and brain - brain being the functional organ and mind being the process of consciously sorting, evaluating and using what the brain takes in) I takes the mind making choices about what to give the brain access to and how to deal with it to determine what effect porn has.

I think as we come to know more we will find that most men are just as "mental' about sex, it just may manifest in different ways.

The romance novels (or soaps and sappy movies) aren't a bad analogy if a woman accepts the thinking that a man should act like the charactures do.

[blondie80]

I dont think you guys got it lol the reason I was mad was because I was doubting my ability to please him when he hadnt been watching porn first! I have no problems with it at all and believe me im a very sexual person and since all of this our sex life had gone from just about every day to maybe two times a week, that is maybe the reason I went looking for something wrong. To say more I have never rejected him once when it comes to sex, sometimes we have a hard time finding our groove because I always tend to be the more sexual person here and I guess maybe I feel like im missing out or doing something wrong, I have even asked him if we can watch porn together because I have been missing it as well, I actually enjoy porn and my sex drive is so high I could probably go at least 5 times a day if there was the time of course, I have accepted he is a once a day kind of guy but this drove me mental when I asked him about it he said he had NOT, I wasnt ****ed that he had been watching it I was insecure about me, and still am mad to a degree because he lied, if I have been asked a question I answer it honestly no matter if its going to hurt someone or not I sort of expect the same in return you know?

[mr.mansview]

well said sarahmay..i agree 100%

[WildChild]

Sorry Blondie I didn't connect it up. Watching a lot he could be programming or conditioning himself to only be able to cum that way - it certainly seems possible.

[blondie80]

And also just so you know MrPleazr, I do not read romance novels very often, I myself would chose porn over them its quick easy and its lazy. What more could you want, I would not ask him to stop watching porn because thats not who I am I would probably be more inclined to just leave but thats me im the one who runs.
We have a great relationship other than this though thats my problem, we get along really well, we dont fight or argue we talk about nearly everything but at the end of the day after all of this Sarahmay has hit the nail on the head, I dont feel like im enough for him, that im not turning him on, and for me being the sexual person that I am is really a big blow to the ego, its not like we have dull sex or anything either, im always trying to make things interesting try not to get into a rut or a routine. I know he watched alot of porn with his last partner for the simple fact that they didnt really have sex very often, but I guess I wanted to fix this before I shut down completely and ran because it was too hard to deal with, I dont want my insecurites to drag this relationship down but at the same time what am I meant to do?

[blondie80]

Thats ok wildchild thats why i re posted or tried to change the way I said it lol. That is what I was thinking as well, especially considering before he had not really watched alot of porn I thought it may be a different outlet to letting off steam for not being able to work and things like that as well I didnt pay much attention to start with at all to be honest.