[shaek]

I am 24 years old...and have always been treated and felt like a very attractive woman. I've dealt with advances from men for over a decade now. I used to wish that I would get compliments about something other than my looks. I used to wish that men would want to get to know me rather than just want to have sex with me.
I have been with my current boyfriend for almost 2 years. We had a lot of sex in the beginning, but it tapered off a little bit the longer we were together. I've always dealt with his rejection, as I've wanted it more than him, pretty much the whole time. He has had more sexual partners than I have but before we got together, he had chosen to be celibate for over a year. He says that because of that, he realized he didnt need it. He also says that he's just so afraid of becoming a parent before he's ready, that it effects his libido.
I love him so much, and I don't doubt his love for me. But I'm pretty sure he's not sexually attracted to me anymore, and that it has something to do with porn.
I've never really had a problem with porn. Before him, I'd never watched it. I'm a big girl, though, and I know that men like it. I've always known that he occasionally watched porn. We talked about it toward the beginning and he made it seem like he rarely watched it. And that was fine by me. I even watched some with him before and during sex..I found that if we watched it together, but I didnt let him touch me, it turned us on and the anticipation was enough to act as a sort of before foreplay foreplay.
Recently, though...we live together now. And a few weeks ago, we were getting ready to go out, and he said that he'd decided to masturbate...I had just gotten out of the shower and was naked, but he said he didn't want to make us late. Now, he's masturbated in front of me before when we didnt have time to have sex. During those times, he touched me or watched me touch myself. This time, he started to watch porn. I was naked in front of him, and I asked him not to, to touch or look at me instead. But he just ignored me and watched the porn instead. I was SO hurt. I talked to him about it, but he just told me that every guy is like that, that it wasnt a big deal.
Since then, I've noticed his porn habits a lot more. Our sex life has diminished. Today, I was in the bath tub when he came in and asked me to dry off so we could have "a reason to bathe." When I walked out of the bathroom, I caught him with his hands down, watching porn. He jumped up and closed the window on his computer quickly. When I asked what he was doing, he lied and dismissed it and took me to the bedroom, where he bent me over and we had sex for about 5 minutes. When we finished, he looked disappointed. I knew that he was looking at porn to get turned on enough to have sex with me, but I let it happen anyway because I wanted it...but I've felt so cheap all day.
It feels like he doesnt even want to be having sex with me...like I'm just the only person he has access to when he wouldn't rather be pleasuring himself... My naked body does nothing for him anymore...and I get rejected 4 out of 5 times that I try to initiate sex.
I dont know what to do. What do you think? help!

[blondie80]

I think you need to sit down and have a talk to him, you need to tell him what his porn habbits are doing to your self confidence how are you not meant to get down about how you look how attractive you feel when he is doing this obviously alot?
Men dont realise that in watching porn instead that they are dupping the relationship basically and denying you a very big part of the relationsip, most relationships need sex in order to survive, guys need to have sex in order to release and to feel loved and needed.
Tell him you are willing to spice the sex life up, or just try different things, but at the same time if he really doesn't realise what his porn habbits are doing to you then this could be really hard. Its different if he is watching porn every now and again when you dont really want sex or your sex life is good or he just wants to get off quickly, when he is denying you sex because he is watching porn then thats a problem in itself, even if he is watching porn to get himself in the mood to have sex with you it makes it a problem because you doubt what your there for sexually you feel used and dont feel attractive wanted or needed or even usefull.
If my partner had of ignored me and went to watch porn to get off when he wanted to masturbate and I wanted to share in the pleasure as well, I would be mad as , because it would just make the rejection feel two or three times as bad and I dont think anyone could say that that wouldnt of hurt.
Really sit down and talk and say you dont want to blame hurt or nag and just say that when he is watching porn what you are missing out on, tell him that you need sex and in the start of the relationship you guys had that. Those things still haven't changed, he is being selfish and really not thinking about you at all if he is acting like this and expects you to just accept it.

[rcoreyus]

I think porn isn't a problem UNLESS it is interfering with your sex life. In this case it is. I think that anyone who watches porn rather then having sex with their partner may have an addiction problem.

[Guest]

I think porn isn't a problem UNLESS it is interfering with your sex life. In this case it is. I think that anyone who watches porn rather then having sex with their partner may have an addiction problem.

I wouldn't necessarily say he has an addiction problem, but it is obvious that he prefers it to his girlfriend a lot of the time. That is very troubling.

Have you put on weight? Has anything changed recently that might have affected your attractiveness?

[Little]

OTYA, this kind of thread pops up all over the place and while it's sensible to assume a certain development has made the OP less attractive, it's rarely the case.
Shaek, I'm sorry you're going through this and I don't mean to make your case seem normal because it's not ... but unfortunately, it's common. And even if your physical appearance or demeanor have nothing to do with it, it's easy to feel like it does.
Do you feel like you can get him to open up about it? It's easy to say "talk to him." But it's not easy to actually talk and get your partner to talk back, especially since it seems it's begun to trouble him too (he looked disappointed, etc.)
I have found that men with sex drives who still reject their partners are sometimes control freaks. Does he demonstrate any symptoms of a controlling partner, or is this something separate?
I hope you are able to find answers soon. Good luck.

[Meashu]

I am dealing with a similar issue. I think you should find ways to get yourself off and maybe he will realize the damage he is doing. I also think you should speak to him about it.

[blondie80]

otya in reading this post a few times i see problems, in him saying after they had been together a while that he is worried about becoming a father before he wants to be or saying he doesnt need it because he went without it for a year.
Even though he gave her enough sex at the start of the relationship to keep her happy its now gone. Just because she has stated that she is big doesn't mean that she has done anything to become less attractive to him, she may of always been big and attractive, some men out there prefer their women that way.
Even if it is not an addiction it is still causing a problem in the relationship when someone in the relationship is watching porn rather than having sex with the one they love its a problem.

[sunshinegirl]

I doubt the problem is porn or masturbation. I think both porn and masturbation are good things for both men and women. Everyone should masturbate, even married people. That kind of time with you and your own body is important time too.

Sounds more like the problem is lack of communication and understanding. You can't have understanding without communication. I mean serious in depth understanding and positive eager enthusiastic appreciation of each others needs and desires. There's no way to have a good relationship without this. You'll just both be frustrated and annoyed with each other without it.

It sounds like you have your work cut out for you both. You need to sit down together and have a long, long mutual discovery session. You need to discover and appreciate his needs, and he needs to discover and appreciate your needs. This is not an accusatory session or a time for any form of negativity about each other either. This doesn't have to be difficult so long as you're both willing to be accomodating to each others needs. It could even lead to a while new level in your relationship for both of you.

BTW, if one or both of you have gotten fat, diet and excersise is unavoidable, so don't resist it, embrace it. That can be as simple as knocking off the constant snacking and walking an hour a day. Weight loss is slow but steady. If you can do this together, so much the better, but do it yourself even if he won't.

[WildChild]

Little has raised a good point regarding control issues. He says he went w/o for a year and doesn't need it. If that was the case he wouldn't be masturbating, what of her needs?

Shaek, I know what you mean regarding the conflict between appreciating being noticed but wishing it was something deeper than than lust - has a lot of that in my younger days. Still get it - just not as much. The way of the world I'm afraid. Lust or attraction generally comes before, you have to make it worth while to get to know you better.

[Guest]

Just because she has stated that she is big doesn't mean that she has done anything to become less attractive to him, she may of always been big and attractive, some men out there prefer their women that way.
Even if it is not an addiction it is still causing a problem in the relationship when someone in the relationship is watching porn rather than having sex with the one they love its a problem.

I agree...i'm just throwing things out there and examining all aspects....sometimes men and women get bored with the same thing. A lot of times its a weight issue for men, and its a waning emotional connection for women.

In a perfect world, we all would find what we love extremely physically attractive. However, we all know that's not true. Please refer to the last, "I love my husband but don't want to have sex with him post."

I also agreed that there was a problem since he was wanting porn more than his girlfriend.

Wasn't sharp shooting the problem, just making suggestions.