[Kakie]

I've been with my boyfriend for over a year now and I love him dearly, I also find him really attractive - but I don't want sex with him? I don't understand why? What is wrong with me? I'm not attracted to anyone else, I'm also not gay, I'm not depressed or stressed, but for some reason I just don't feel the urge to ever leap on him and ravish him, or even to let him. Whenever we do have sex I have to be drunk and I adopt the attitude of just "getting it out of the way". Everybody else I know goes on about how great sex is, how much they love it - WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Sweet, what "everyone" else says, is fabricated most of the time...

However, you need to add a bit more. How was your "intimate" relationship 12 months ago?

Why do you, truthfully feel you have to be drunk?

What was your past relationships like?

We can't answer you without a little more information...

CW

[Kakie]

hey, thanks for your reply.. will try to answer your questions..

when we first got together we had far more sex, but it was always because he wanted it and at that point i was too scared that i was going to lose him if i said no so i just kind of went along with it. (totally willingly, nothing bad ever happened, hes a lovely guy.. but my heart/mind was never in it). i just kind of figured that as i got more secure in our relationship and happier that he wasn't going to just walk off if something went wrong then i'd want sex more and be more willing to be intimate with him and be more comfortable being so.. but it hasn't happened like that, nothing has changed. we haven't had sex/any kind of physical intimacy now for about 4 months and i know that he wants it and needs it, really scared i'm going to lose him because of this

i genuinely don't know why i need to be drunk for it to happen, i dont know if it is because im more confident when im drunk or if it is because im rarely really 'with it' enough to fully comprehend what is going on at the time, or to totally remember it the next day.

i just dont understand why i dont feel the need to have sex?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Well, your doing it because you don't want to lose him.. Not because you enjoy it, you love him, it's beautiful there is an underlining factor here.

I was too scared that i was going to lose him if i said no so i just kind of went along with it. (totally willingly, nothing bad ever happened, hes a lovely guy.. but my heart/mind was never in it).

4 Months is a long time, 16 weeks...

Yes a guy will have problems with this but sincerely, not if he loves you, not if he understands where you are at, and not if he realises that you need to feel loved and comfortable..

You talk about him as if you are trying to satisfy "his needs", you need to be open with him and talk about your fear and why you used to drink to do it, and why you feel that way.

You know, if he doesn't accept that your worth more are you not?

Communication is always the "key" to a successful relationship.

CW

[GlitterAndStuds]

Forgive me for being so direct and to the point for asking this question It's just the first thing that came to mind when I read this. But did you have a bad experience earlier in life, whether it be some kind of assault or a bad relationship or something? Things like that tend to turn some people off to sex altogether.

[Kakie]

ChandlersWish: I have spoken to him about it, used all the normal clichés and just kinda said that I'm tired/stressed/unhappy with how I look at the moment so I'm not really in the mood to be physical with him, and hes been okay about that, hes never put any pressure on me and said that hes willing to wait until i'm ready/comfortable.. but i know that this isn't a long term solution - he can't wait forever. it isn't fair on him. but i don't know how to resolve the situation? starting to think maybe i'm just not cut out for relationships.

GlitterandStuds: i dont mind ur directness at all, i appreciate ur response, i can see why u would come to that conclusion too and i guess that it would provide a 'simple' answer. but i haven't ever had anything seriously bad happen in the past or a bad relationship or anything. there was one incident with an ex boyfriend but i don't know if it really affected how i am now as it was quite a few years ago. we'd been going out for about 8 months and there was one day when basically he wanted sex and i didnt.. i said i didnt want to, but he went ahead anyways. (im quite a small person. he was quite a big person). it wasn't really bad, i didn't struggle or anything, i felt bad for not wanting it with him so after i realised how much he wanted it i just kinda blanked out what was happening and we didn't talk about it again. after that my relationships with other guys have been fine, which is why i dont think it was that thats causing this current problem, if that makes sense? maybe it is. i dont know. even if it is, how do i stop it getting in the way??

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Man I hate it when I have to open up.............

But, it's why I am still here.. If you can see this? And, it makes sense? Then walk my path........................

You felt numb because he abused you... He raped you.. You know it in the back of your mind, but you kind of think, we were seeing each other so no...

I had a boyfriend that did the same. (After mind you, 4 1/2 years) ....(smile) this isn't a dear dorothy, keep reading....


He realized he was about to lose me... I lost the love.. And so he pushed so far that I went blank, like you.... I realized what it was...

You've blocked this... because he was with you, you had consensual sex, before.......and so you figure it wasn't rape... It was....!!!!!

And it was for me... like you I didn't see it, I was in shock.... An un-known, a person who would not do that.... He did, yours did....


I left him straight after, I have never, ever felt out of control as I did that night, utter shock, and I realized, he was angry, he knew.

There was no other guy in my life, there was no warning, so you kind of can't comprehend what just happened?

I just felt we weren't well. going where I wanted.

I felt from my "intuition" this is anger, but only after the situation, i was well in shock.... But, it was in his force, it shocked me.


However, i realized exactly what happened the next day, you "won't leave me bithc".. wow... He bought me soup when I was sick, was there thick and thin... 4 years.

Once i realized, and left... I chose CHOSE, to let it go into the Universe... I was, what, 34?

10+ years ago.

Perhaps that is why I settled in my Marriage...


But, let me tell you something and rest assure, as true as I am typing.

I am 46...strong, fearless which is a fault trust me, especially with smoking, lol, had to through that in.. But, I don't know how to say this, perhaps I have the strongest will? NOTHING bothers me, I see it for what it was... His jealousy that I was leaving.... And, I left, simple...

Make sense?

He may have hurt me, but DO NOT let someone get you EMOTIONALLY..

Make sense?

I can see Post it Stickers coming out, I HOPE..

CW

[Kakie]

i'm really sorry about what happened to you and glad that you're now in a really good place with a good partner

i do see how things like this affect people, and to be honest i did think it would hurt me more than it did, cos i was so angry/sick when it happened, but then i just kind of forgot about it and i didnt think it bothered me... i guess i don't understand how i can of had normal sexual relationships with people in between it happening and now, if it is the cause of my current problems? and also, if it is the cause, how do i get over it??

[Munchkin]

i guess i don't understand how i can of had normal sexual relationships with people in between it happening and now, if it is the cause of my current problems? and also, if it is the cause, how do i get over it??

I was abused when i was 13 by someone in my family. I won't go into details, this is your situation i want to help with. But what you said right there struck a chord with me and i know how you feel. I went through a stage of wondering if there was something wrong with me because i was in a sexual relationship with someone without any problems. You see on the news and read about abuse victims who can't let anyone near them, are too scared to even be near a man let alone have sex with one. And then there was me, enjoying a healthy sex life. I thought maybe what happened to me wasn't really abuse because if it was then i would be really messed up.
But then i realised that things affect people in different ways. I mean, i can have sex no problem, but if any guys starts shouting i cry, if anyone comes up behind me i go mental. The only thing i have noticed about me is that if i'm with someone and they just put there hand down my knickers before kissing me i start to have a panic attack. As silly as that may sound!

Basically what i'm trying to say is even though you have been able to get on with your life, doesn't mean that what happened to you wasn't bad or wrong. And it is probably affecting you more than you know.

[Kakie]

munchkin (awesome name by the way!) i'm truly sorry such a thing happened to you when you were younger.. it doesn't sound silly that you're still affected by it, i think i would be too, especially with it being a member of family who had abused their position.. do u mind me asking if u had help getting to the position u're in now? (being okay having relations with people) or do u plan on doing so with regards to ur reactions to people shouting/surprising u? k