[WildChild]

This can be a difficult thing and you feelings and attitude about talking about it can have big effect on how he hears it. I was gang raped at 14 and for a long time had troublr talking about it because, like Muchkin, I'd had such a negative response to that from my best friend - she literally put her hands over her ears and refused to allow me to speak a word about it. I dealt with a lot of negative responses regarding the incident. Everyone has an opinion about the girl - no one seems to have much to say about the boy(s) - talk about double standard! It's blame the victim time when it comes to rape.

BUT not everyone is that way and a man who loves and cares for you should respond with loving concern. However you need to work on retraining your responses. You can do it, I did and so have others. It starts with loving and trusting yourself and the man in your life. Baby steps, maybe make it a game? Put some fun in it if you can? You have a lifetime ahead of you, with yourself if not with this man. Do it for you and he'll benefit too and can help you.

[Munchkin]

Everyone has an opinion about the girl - no one seems to have much to say about the boy(s) - talk about double standard! It's blame the victim time when it comes to rape.

I'm glad somebody else shares my opinion! A friend of mine was raped a few years back, they found the guy, it went to court and he got let off. The reason being that she was wearing 'provocative clothing' so as to 'lead him on'. What a load of bull! She went out clubbing in a boob tube dress. Yes it was short, and what? She was dancing with this guy, yes maybe even grinding a bit. But since when did wearing a short dress and dancing in a night club mean that you deserve to be raped?!

Sorry for venting but that comment really got me going again! lol.

Kakie.. hun, if you really trust your bf and want your relationship to work then i really think you should tell him. Like i've said before, my fiance knows that something bad happened to me when i was younger and that is why i freak out at some things. I did not give him too many details. Partly because it's hard to talk about but also i didn't want him to feel like he needed to tread on eggshells around me. I am so glad i told him though, as it was building tension between us as he couldn't understand why i am the way i am. But now he knows, we are so much closer.
I think once you tell your bf it will feel like a weight has been lifted and then you can both work on building an intimate relationship. Hopefully, if he is a decent guy, he will understand you need to take things at your own pace and he will help you learn to trust men intimately again.

I really, really hope things work out for you!

[Kakie]

i just wanted to say thank you for all the responses.. reading them through it seems so simple and to make so much sense, telling him definitely seems the right option.. i've just got to banish the worst case scenarios of "what if.." out of my head lol.. i'm going to tell him tonight, in about 6 hours to be precise (nervous? me? VERY!) and i've been sat at work all day trying to figure out how to say it?? what words to use?? etc.. i'm going to the gym after work whilst he cooks dinner and then we are going to sit down and chat, no distractions.. think i may have to have a sly drink just to get courage too!

anyways, thank you again for your advice and i will let you know how it goes

[Kakie]

chickened out

[Munchkin]

chickened out

Oh sweetie!! What happened?!! Never mind...

Have you though about writing him a letter? That way you can sit down and think about what you really want to say and how to put it. Then you can get him to read it on his own (if that's how you'd prefer it). That way you don't have to worry about not being able to say it to his face or seeing his immediate reaction. Then he can process the reality of it and at least it's out in the open.

[Guest]

Oh sweetie!! What happened?!! Never mind...

Have you though about writing him a letter? That way you can sit down and think about what you really want to say and how to put it. Then you can get him to read it on his own (if that's how you'd prefer it). That way you don't have to worry about not being able to say it to his face or seeing his immediate reaction. Then he can process the reality of it and at least it's out in the open.

Dont you think a letter is the cowards way out?

[Munchkin]

Dont you think a letter is the cowards way out?

Put simply.. No.

I don't see how being scared to talk about being abused and feeling more comfortable writing it down makes someone a coward.

I personally find that i know exactly what i want to say sometimes but when i try to get it out it comes out all wrong. So i find sometimes writing it down is easier.

I'm just giving my opinion and advice and trying to help Kakie out. She doesn't have to write a letter, i just think it may be easier for her from what she has told us about herself.

[Ahryin]

I realize it's hard and even though I think a letter would be good in order to put your own personal thoughts into perspective I believe that this is such a delicate subject that it's best to tell him face to face. Even if you read it from the letter. He has stuck by you this long, and you obviously love him vice versa he's not going to call you a liar, he's not going to get upset with you....he will understand...you also have to realize that it will probably make HIM feel better. Not that it happened to you, but that it isn't his fault.
It also gives both of you a recovery jumping off spot. More of a focal point for healing

[rcoreyus]

The laws must be very different in the UK from the US. Here the "provocative clothing" defense wouldn't stand for an instant (at least in theory).

I'm glad somebody else shares my opinion! A friend of mine was raped a few years back, they found the guy, it went to court and he got let off. The reason being that she was wearing 'provocative clothing' so as to 'lead him on'. What a load of bull! She went out clubbing in a boob tube dress. Yes it was short, and what? She was dancing with this guy, yes maybe even grinding a bit. But since when did wearing a short dress and dancing in a night club mean that you deserve to be raped?!

Sorry for venting but that comment really got me going again! lol.

Kakie.. hun, if you really trust your bf and want your relationship to work then i really think you should tell him. Like i've said before, my fiance knows that something bad happened to me when i was younger and that is why i freak out at some things. I did not give him too many details. Partly because it's hard to talk about but also i didn't want him to feel like he needed to tread on eggshells around me. I am so glad i told him though, as it was building tension between us as he couldn't understand why i am the way i am. But now he knows, we are so much closer.
I think once you tell your bf it will feel like a weight has been lifted and then you can both work on building an intimate relationship. Hopefully, if he is a decent guy, he will understand you need to take things at your own pace and he will help you learn to trust men intimately again.

I really, really hope things work out for you!

[LanaBear]

Oh honey - you can do it.

I agree with Ahryin. Write the letter, but discuss it face to face. You can put everything in the letter and sit down to discuss it with him. He loves you, it's gonna be okay!