[Irish]

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years, we have lived together for 2. He is 36 and I am 27. When we first got together we had sex at least every other day. Sex was great. Then 6 months into the relationship, it slowed down. I realised I always initiated sex, so I stopped and we would go without sex for 6-8 weeks, until I gave in and again initiated it. He is very loving and shows me affection and compliments me all the time, but no action. My confidence is not what it once was because of this. When I bring up the subject he will joke about it or change the subject. Sometimes it works and we have sex, but do I need to make a issue of it every time?

Does anybody else have the same problem?

[caterpillar79]

He might be stressed with work, or other stuff - i.e. financial issues, personal issues he couldn't divulge, or just plain stressed.

He could be masturbating and is just not that in the "performance" mode; could be that he wants to know that you are into it, and he is not coercing you, hence, he waits for you to initiate; needs some fresh air or new ways to spark his interest.

I am not sure. Tell us more details, and hope the guys here would be sharing more insights....OTYA...OG...baja...rcoreyus... (they are still asleep)...lol

[kms]

My guy usually always initiates... he prefers to have sex daily, and since I don't need it that often (every couple of days or so), I therefore don't initiate much. He sometimes gets bothered by that.... but with him always initiating before I do and the fact that I like being a bit dominated in that area, I think it's fairly explanatory and is no reason for alarm. But... going for 6-8 weeks is a long time, and him not wanting to talk about it is a concern as well (maybe he's just uncomfortable with the topic? Doesn't want to feel like he's being blamed or is 'bad in bed'?). The most I've ever gone without is a few days, so I would say that communication is key to being able to figure out what is behind it all.

[Irish]

Caterpillar79/Kms – Thanks for you reply… My boyfriend does have a stressful job and works long hours, I understand this drains his energy and I am very patient. When we are on holiday and very relaxed our sex life does improve but only slightly and that’s when he does initiate. I have tried to spice things up by wearing sexy lingerie but to no avail.

I hate comparing relationships, but with previous partners I have had a healthy sex life and have experimented with new ideas to keep it alive. I feel I cannot approach him with ideas in case he is offended and thinks he doesn't satisfy me. When we do have sex I am satisfied, he is a considerate lover; just not as often as I would like.

It concerns me more so when I read other posts. As ‘Kms’ says 6-8 weeks is a very long time without and is definitely a course for concern. However, he is perfect in every other way and I don’t want this to be the end of us.

Do the average couple have sex twice a week, if not more?

Any ideas to how I can improve my situation would be appreciated.

[AloneNtheCrowd]

Hi Irish, I'm in the same boat.... well sort of, I always initiate sex - but generally get shot down so we only do it once every week or 2 or 4 And it has really hurt my self esteem, especially since I've always had a great sex life with partner in the past. But i'd say there is hope for you because you all use to have a good sex life... it could be what a lot of couples describe/go through as the relationship gets older things slow down... I dunno, I wish I could give you more insight.

[LanaBear]

We went through a period where I was always denying and he was always initiating. It sucked for him, I know this and did hit his self esteem too. He always asked me why I wasn't attracted to him. I was, I just didn't want sex. Now that things are better, I look back and feel really really bad for that period in our lives.

But, it can be fixed and things can get better...

[Dutchess]

Same thing here. I'm the one who ends up "begging" for sex. In the long run it's quite depressing. My partner just doesn't have much of a sex drive. He also has some difficulties in the penis department. Luckily we are able to talk about it. I recommend the same.

At the moment neither of us is getting much out of sex but at least we are trying.

Just because you initiate sex doesn't mean he doesn't see you sexy. There might be some functional problems behind it. Try and keep the communication lines open.

Good luck to you!

[alterview]

just a thought

Irish-

Sorry about your situation. I have been in relationships were the same thing happens. As time goes by the frequency goes down. Communication is the core issue. In my failed marriage I was the one that always tried to initiate and was usually shot down. I stopped initiating and that led to almost zero sex. I hated being shot down and made to feel bad for trying.

What has worked for me, in relationships since my divorce, is an open mind and open communication. Wasn't that easy for me but then again I was not trying to find a soul mate any longer. Remember: the mind is the largest sex organ (especially true for woman from what I have heard). Also, variation is the spice of life. When it comes to sex you can take on a different role than what you are use to in your normal life. I find that the best time for sex talk is... during or right after sex (pillow talk). The whole, 'My, wasn't that nice? Why don't we do that more often?' Which should lead to, 'What can I do to ensure that this happens more often?'.... Just a few thoughts.

I just read in the 'ask a guy thread' of a woman wondering if a guy would like to wake up to his partner giving him a blow job. Of course! Sounds like a great way to initiate sex.

I hope you figure out a way to work through this. In my view: a relationship without sex is just a friendship (which are important too).

slainte!

[WildChild]

Welcome to club Irish, as you may have already found; you are not alone. If you go back through some old threads you'll see this has been a frequent conversation subject.

While communication, variety and input from some of the menfolk are all good suggestions, the very first thing on the list should be a complete check up with blood and hormone levels checked. Testicular cancer most typically hits from the teens into the 30s and there are other causes of hormone deficiency. Men who are low on testosterone are looking at far more trouble than just low sex drive, it can lead to weight gain, mood swings (imagine a man with PMS), low energy, depression, heart disease, increased risk of alzheimers, osteoporosis, just a host of problems.

Did you know there is an amino acid (forget which one) that will turn testorone into estrogen? If his levels of certain hormones or amino acids are off - he could have more estrogen than you do.

Do encourage him to go get checked. Then you can deal with all the rest of the possibilties.

[Texasred]

And I've got just the opposite problem, Irish: a wife who initiates sex so infrequently that I suspect when she does that she has some ulterior motive that has very little to do with what was once an expression of love between us.

But I agree with some other posters that things aren't right with your boyfriend, and at a minimum you two should have a long talk.