[kira]

I definitely would not even think about kids in a relationship that had communication problems to that extent and other problems to the point you can't even have enough sex to accomplish children. Honestly every relationship I've been in where I shut down like that ended eventually. Some within months and some after years of trying. If you can't open communication back up and get things to where sex is just wanted instead of requested eventually things will go from bad to worse and come apart.

The main thing I noticed is when I started to shut down the guys would get so needy, clingy, and obsessive that it made things worse. All those little attempts to make me feel loved just made me feel like all they wanted was sex and that they wouldn't leave me alone. Which is why I've already suggested once before for guys in that situation to actually back off. Chill. Calm down. Stop pushing. Go back to just trying to be comfortable around each other and have fun instead of pressuring her. I know it's hard but for the moment stop asking for sex and start asking to be a friend. Suggest something relaxing or to go out for dinner, a movie, whatever to give her a break from her day instead of trying to put sex on her to do list while she seems busy doing other things.

[Guest]

I'm sorry you're still struggling to get affection from your wife. Have you suggested therapy?

I agree with StillLearnin ... enough is enough. You CAN'T keep walking on eggshells because it's just going to lead to YOUR unhappiness. And although she is your wife... YOU still have to take care of yourself. No one can do that but you. If you keep TRYING to please her that's just what will happen. You'll keep trying.... And you're going to end up resenting yourself or maybe her for trying so hard and getting nowhere.

I say you should seriously think about therapy if you want to stay with her. But if this issue has been going on for more than 6 months... then I'm sorry to say it's not going to get much better. It might... for a little. But not the change that you're looking for.

[Swiftus]

I definitely would not even think about kids in a relationship that had communication problems to that extent and other problems to the point you can't even have enough sex to accomplish children. Honestly every relationship I've been in where I shut down like that ended eventually. Some within months and some after years of trying. If you can't open communication back up and get things to where sex is just wanted instead of requested eventually things will go from bad to worse and come apart.

The main thing I noticed is when I started to shut down the guys would get so needy, clingy, and obsessive that it made things worse. All those little attempts to make me feel loved just made me feel like all they wanted was sex and that they wouldn't leave me alone. Which is why I've already suggested once before for guys in that situation to actually back off. Chill. Calm down. Stop pushing. Go back to just trying to be comfortable around each other and have fun instead of pressuring her. I know it's hard but for the moment stop asking for sex and start asking to be a friend. Suggest something relaxing or to go out for dinner, a movie, whatever to give her a break from her day instead of trying to put sex on her to do list while she seems busy doing other things.

I'm convinced you didn't read my entire original post. I've done the dinner thing. I've done the build-a-fire thing. I never put any of this on her "to do" list unless its been well over a week or two and we both have free time. I always give an out.

Some of you make me feel like all of men's needs should be secondary. I'm sick of feeling second.

[Explorer44]

Swiftus,

I agree that it seems you have tried so many things. If there is no response, then you seem left with two choices: stay or go? Perhaps some time apart would help both of you sort this out.

She needs to tell you why she is behaving this way, and whether or not things are going to change!

I'm not a fan of ultimatums, but perhaps telling her, "I NEED this conversation to happen or I'll have to start making decisions" might give you some indication of her willingness to tackle this challenge...

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Some of you make me feel like all of men's needs should be secondary. I'm sick of feeling second.

Well, I for one don't agree with that... Men are not secondary. Nor, is a woman..

I know of a lady who doesn't get it from her man and she's extremely frustrated, he is nasty in as much as he walks around naked in front of her, she has a high sex drive and he won't have sex with her, almost taunts her..

So, I think both have that control.

It is a matter of equality of both parties wanting it from "each other", neither should deny on-going.. that doesn't constitute a relationship.

I can feel your frustration..

I wish there was a solution.

But, if she's not prepared to and makes you feel like this what can you do?

Walk away and find a loving partner?

CW

[Texasred]

I really, really encourage you to get this resolved BEFORE you have children.

And *I* am really wondering HOW they're going to have kids without first resolving this?


I know what he's writing about, and I can assure you, it doesn't have a thing to do with "asking" vs simply making advances or overtures or whatever you'd like to call them.
I went through the same frustrations, the same conversations, until finally I developed an "alternate solution:" if the wife wants sex, she can come to me, but in the meantime I have developed a new friendship, with benefits so to speak...

[CHANDLERS WISH]

but in the meantime I have developed a new friendship, with benefits so to speak...

You know what?

I think that if a person refuses to "put out" but loves you, they should accept that the marriage can remain the same, but he/she can obtain from elsewhere, as long as there is no STD's, STI's or emotions involved.

Problem is? What happens if "emotions do in-deed get involved", by one party...

Interesting theory with flaws but interesting....

CW

[LanaBear]

I had a similar conversation with a friend yesterday. Her and her husband were arguing about sex. He told her, something to the effect of - don't be surprised when I'm not home at night.

I didn't really know what to say because I can't honestly say I don't blame him. But yes, like CW said, there are some issues with that solution as well.

[Swiftus]

Chandlers, I do love my wife and she is a very loving person. We are an excellent pair. Our only flaw is between the sheets.

So, it sounds like (from above) people take the next route and find someone they can cheat with. Not my favorite option.

[Swiftus]

Let me add what I discovered over the past few months:

1. She loves porn. We watch it together and this gets her very wet.
2. She liked the cockring I used. It did an okay job.

Her major issue is self-consciousness. She gets paranoid or something. Only when she can turn her brain off can she enjoy herself.

Also, her favorite way to get off with me is to grind my leg. It takes her like 1 minute to cum that way.