[pretzel]

Chandlers, I do love my wife and she is a very loving person. We are an excellent pair. Our only flaw is between the sheets.

So, it sounds like (from above) people take the next route and find someone they can cheat with. Not my favorite option.

I have pretty much the same opinion at this point in my own marriage.

Let me add what I discovered over the past few months:

1. She loves porn. We watch it together and this gets her very wet.
2. She liked the cockring I used. It did an okay job.

Her major issue is self-consciousness. She gets paranoid or something. Only when she can turn her brain off can she enjoy herself.

Also, her favorite way to get off with me is to grind my leg. It takes her like 1 minute to cum that way.

Couple of questions, especially as they relate to her self-conciousness. That's probably the biggest question. If you're wife isn't feeling good about herself either physically or emotionally her brain won't turn itself off very easily.

Secondly, there are obviously things that do excite her and are very stimulating for her. Are you acceptable that there may be differences in what excites her not being the same as what excites you? Is having the sex life you want more important right now than having the sex life she wants?

[Swiftus]

I have pretty much the same opinion at this point in my own marriage.

I am so sorry to hear it. I'd love an active woman that had an insatiable need to orgasm.

Couple of questions, especially as they relate to her self-conciousness. That's probably the biggest question. If you're wife isn't feeling good about herself either physically or emotionally her brain won't turn itself off very easily.

I always tell her that she is beautiful. I always tell her how hot she makes me. I can't do anything more other than that. Heck, I've bought outfits for her and always always make sure she knows that she is gorgeous to me.

Secondly, there are obviously things that do excite her and are very stimulating for her. Are you acceptable that there may be differences in what excites her not being the same as what excites you? Is having the sex life you want more important right now than having the sex life she wants?

I have no problem with watching porn. I see enough of it. I have no problem.

I LOVE to watch a woman (and her) reach orgasm. Before I let myself go, I ask for permission in case she is close and wants me to hold out.

I am going to give something a shot. Ill go over the top romantic next time.

[pretzel]

I always tell her that she is beautiful. I always tell her how hot she makes me. I can't do anything more other than that. Heck, I've bought outfits for her and always always make sure she knows that she is gorgeous to me.

I guess that wasn't necessarily what I had in mind in asking how she feels about herself. It's her self-esteem and self-confidence that is important, just as yours is to yourself.

Reverse the question for a second. If you didn't like the way you felt or the way you looked would you still feel sexy?

[aminah09]

the same situation happens with so many people.But it isnt always the women.In some cases it both.She may be focused too much on other things,and she probably feels like she cant please you.I think one day when she come out of the shower lay her on the bed a tongue her down for like a half an hour.Then i think she wouldnt be able to say no.lol thats how women are sometimes they need to really feel sexxy and feel like he is soo in to them and that he is loving everything he is doing to her then she will gradually want it more and more.You jut shouldnt make it a question "can we have sex today?" Why not just grab her at the desk and start sucking her all over and rub and feel her and take her clothes off while your doing all this and just do it.Will she say no?probably not.If she has an attitude tell her be quiet because she is going to like it.

[WildChild]

I started a reply here but moved it to a blog. Here's the very beginning, you can go to the blog to read the entire thing.

https://www.womens-health.com/boards/blog.php?b=297

Preview

I know we've gone into this before and it may or may not apply but it bears repeating since we have new readers/posters all the time. One of the most self defeating things a man can do when the sexual relationship is nonexistant to iffy, is to do or plan something with the expectation it will lead to sex (this works fine with a responsive woman but not an unresponsive one)

[aminah09]

BTW...that is an extremely good point.She may not feel too happy about her self and how she could make him happy.Maybe she feels she would fail so when your doing it show extra attention and focus and it may be better for the both of you

[Greydog72]

Just want to wish you the best of luck, swift.

In a simular relationship, except we have kids.

We are doing better, but still have a long way to go.We do make love once aweek now, but I'm not allowed to ask or touch anything....

I agree with a lot of the replies you've been getting...Work on relationship before you have kids...It will get worse, as far as your intimacy is concern.

Just wanted to say, Good Luck.

[Guest]

I started a reply here but moved it to a blog. Here's the very beginning, you can go to the blog to read the entire thing.

Your blog here focuses mainly on outside factors, most notably the perceived shortcomings of men (for 7 paragraphs I might add), as the primary cause for any woman's sexual shutdown.

Yet you never explore the possibilities of selfishness, or pure laziness. Which, as the primary reasons a man will shut down toward a woman, one might gather that these factors would also be probable conclusions for a woman.

In a nut shell...you are blaming a woman's lack of sexual desire on society, on their men and everything else except the woman herself.

This is sexist, and this is wrong.

I won't pretend to know why a woman would ever want to with hold sex from her partner, but I do know that the key to overcoming sexual issues, or any psychological issue for that matter, lies within. It is a mental change you make yourself.

No amount of material objects, flowers, back rubs or walking on egg shells is going to do it.

Withholding sex from your life partner is selfish. Period. It should not be rewarded. Nor should it lead to a sexually unexpectant partner.

[pretzel]

Your blog here focuses mainly on outside factors, most notably the perceived shortcomings of men (for 7 paragraphs I might add), as the primary cause for any woman's sexual shutdown.

Yet you never explore the possibilities of selfishness, or pure laziness. Which, as the primary reasons a man will shut down toward a woman, one might gather that these factors would also be probable conclusions for a woman.

In a nut shell...you are blaming a woman's lack of sexual desire on society, on their men and everything else except the woman herself.

This is sexist, and this is wrong.

I won't pretend to know why a woman would ever want to with hold sex from her partner, but I do know that the key to overcoming sexual issues, or any psychological issue for that matter, lies within. It is a mental change you make yourself.

No amount of material objects, flowers, back rubs or walking on egg shells is going to do it.

Withholding sex from your life partner is selfish. Period. It should not be rewarded. Nor should it lead to a sexually unexpectant partner.

I didn't get the same reaction but that is a point to be considered. I actually thought the blog was informative and would recommend reading it.

I'm not sure I totally disagree with WC as for many women I know and have known through the years, this viewpoint is more readily held.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Swiftus, don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting that people find a second partner, if it's no good between the sheets, rather, if they have continually tried and there is "no interest" what so ever, distaste in that regard, yet love their partners still and years have gone by, then I kind of think, what are you meant to do? Maybe that's a solution?

From what you wrote after that comment however, it seems that she is finding it hard to relax and feel ... but trying. There is a big difference.

CW