[justmeonly]

Why in a "mature" relationship (ages 49 and 53), two bad marriages behind us and I thought we were totally "made" for each other until...... well, he does give me everything, tells me he "loves" me for which I do believe he does and I think in an unhealthy way, at least for our relationship. Our sex life has gone to NOTHING. He has a very "creative" sexual past and active one. I have recently been made aware that he is seeing "" type girls(he knows them) to just act out his fantasies with. He says he "respects" me too much to treat me in that way, even though some of those things I like and have asked for. He says he can't do that to me. I'm like on a dang pedestal or something. Well, it's ruined our sex life. We are engaged, but I can't go on knowing he has and is going out doing this, on the net looking, chatting, etc. I think it is truly a sex addiction that I'm not getting the best end of the deal with. I know if I confront him with the fact that I know, he will think I've been spying. I just happened to accidently stumble over something that let the cat out of the bag. It will end this relationship for sure if I talk to him about it even though he is the one that is exploring outside our bedroom. So my question is, can a man love, truly love a woman so much that he cannot be totally open with them sexually. He is open about everything else, shows me off, surprises me with things all the time, but he is a bit controlling. I'm am in need of some major advice. HELP!!! I need a man's side of the advice. I know what my friends say. They tell me to get the heck out of here. I have no where to go now. I've totally moved here and live with him. I will have absolutely no where to go. That scares me, but the fact of everything else that could happen scares me too. Please help.

[mooseknuckler]

This does not sound too good... But I'd have to say that I'm a bit confused. what is happening exactly? Is he meeting girls online and then meeting up with them in person and living out his sexual fantasies with them and not you? or is he doing webcam stuff with these girls?

[Hopeless Dork]

He sounds very sexually confused and at his age... you are going to be hard pressed to get him to even consider altering his ways. If you can't act out your fantasies with a willing partner that wants you to... but are so heckbent on acting them out that you will find other women (have an affair) to do it... you definitly are likely not only a sex addict, but one with some deeply rooted emotional problems as well.

You love this man, you want to be his lover, not his mother and it sounds like he has placed you in this category where he can't be "dirty" with you. But still has to be "dirty" so does it with other women.

Would you really want to kiss him on the cheek and say have fun honey while he is headed out to explore sexual sides of himself with other women while you sit at home, miss purity, miss china doll in a box to perfect to be touched. That is no way to live.

Start working on getting yourself the option to go. It sounds like right now you don't even HAVE the option to go because you have nowhere else to go. THAT should be your first priority , working on becoming independent so that if you decide to stay you are doing so because you WANT to, not because you HAVE to.

[justmeonly]

He's talking online and then meeting up with at least one or two that I know of. One is married and her husband is there sometimes with them. He says in a way that gets around my question of "have you been with any other girl" he answers that he has not "fed" them, which means maybe is hasn't gone that far but has done other things. I hate it, I hate my life, but no where to go. I've tried to confront him recently, but he wiggles around the questions. He doesn't know that I know many of the things about at least one encounter.

[pretzel]

If I may,

First off, tell him straight out that you don't really care whether or not he's mad that you found out, he's the one that's doing the hiding. If he's mad because he think's your "spying" then that's a red flag the size of a building.

If it's something that can be helped through therapy and he feels the relationship is worth it, he'll do it. He needs to understand that this is too big an issue to resolve itself.

Finally, there is always a place to go. If needed, go to a women's shelter. It may be a temporary situation but it will give you the needed time and their resource banks are generally pretty good. Please don't feel like you have no where to go.

[KMonte85]

Unfortunately, I think you may have just learned that you and he are not meant for each other. At least you are not legally attached to this guy, even if you are logistically stuck at the moment.

I've asked my boyfriend about this since you said you'd like a guy's opinion. He said that for him personally - he would NEVER cheat on someone he truly loves. If it got to that point where he felt he couldn't stand keeping his sexual needs at home, he would break it off first. It is a painful reality that if you really do love someone, you would respect them enough to do right by them.

You need to tell your guy what you found out. There is no reason not to. Yes, perhaps telling him you found out what he is doing may anger him and it will end the relationship. But do you honestly think it will last anyway if you don't talk to him?? And realistically, would you really want to stay if this is how it has to be?

Things might be tough for a while.. but you say your friends are telling you to leave them. Wouldn't one of these friends be willing to put a roof over your head while you get back on your feet?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

If you marry him, and he's a "tad" controlling like you say, he will introduce you to become a swinger.

There is something about men whom hide until the ring is on that finger properly, then there is a sense of ownership and I think he is closest hiding, he knows some of the things he does, you would like. I think he hasn't introduced you to this because of fear you'd walk.

But, having said that, as a result he's neglecting you physically and therefore, trying to make up for it emotionally. If he hasn't done things totally with the woman perhaps, there is another side to it? It's not the women, they are the ones he is attracting with their partner, I hope it's not the partner he's really aiming at, seeing as he's not sexually active with you, could this also be the case?

Nevertheless, it's lying, cheating, hiding, dis-respectful, alot of things and you don't want that second ring on your finger.

What ever you gave up to get there, go back and start seeking and finding again, money, job, family, friends, where you were. Just take a deep breathe and think on how you can return to where you were before you moved in with him and who can help you start the process of leaving.

CW

[alterview]

from a guy...

Your situation sounds terrible. Doesn't sound health or productive at all. I am a firm believer of if a relationship doesn't involve sex then it's just a friendship.

Look at it from the other side: how would he feel in your shoes? What if he had a strong libido yet you weren't having sex with him and going out having wild adventurous sex with others instead?

As others have well stated, I think he has some very deep dark issues to deal with. If either of you aren't willing to deal with them (in a mutual way) then move along. Life is too short to waste!

Sex for me is very important to my over all happiness and well being. It is the best natural mood enhancers out there and its very low cost if done right . I have already dealt with the no sex lifestyle (in a failed marriage) and I will not ever let that happen again. Communicate with him.

best of luck!

[StillLearnin]

So my question is, can a man love, truly love a woman so much that he cannot be totally open with them sexually. He is open about everything else, shows me off, surprises me with things all the time, but he is a bit controlling. I'm am in need of some major advice. HELP!!! I need a man's side of the advice.

Addressing your question: Yes, and no. Yes, a man can truly love and respect his SO enough to not want to ask her to do the "dirty" things. No, because in your case it does sound like he has a sexual addiction which seems to take priority over you. Hate to say it, but that's the way it sounds.

It sounds like you are willing, for the most part, to do what he likes. That's wonderful. He needs to realize that and direct his sexual energies towards you. But still respect the things that you don't want to do. And you need to be open to things that he wants to do. It works both ways.

Also, if he wants to save the relationship, he really needs to go to a therapist to help him get over his addiction.

And you need to ask yourself if this relationship is worth saving. At your core, what do you truly believe? That's your answer.

[Texasred]

...I'm am in need of some major advice. HELP!!! I need a man's side of the advice...

Two words: Get out!

This guy has got some major major problems, problems you don't need to be a part of.