[danceintx]

Not knowing any better is not a relevant areguement when your partner continuously says "ouch", "stop", "too rough" etc etc. I'm trying real hard not to sound overly harsh about this, but it seems that you guys are not a good fit. He's too rough, and apparently doesn't listen much, you don't know much about his past, and the worst thing is that you come off as if you defend him a little bit. If this is how things are after 5 months it's scary to think about what would happen after a year, 5, marriage, kids!

You've really gotta think about no.1 here, I don't know you from Eve and I feel your safety (emotional and physical) is more important than your boyfriend of 5 months doing what he enjoys. You should at least feel that much towards yourself.

I'm not really trying to defend him, but I am trying to explore any and all reasons for this. I don't want to jump to any conclusions or do anything rash. No chance of me getting married or having any kids with this or any man since, I am done having kids, he is fixed, and I don't even see the reasons for marriage or have any urge to get married at all to anyone ever. I am very upset about this, and trust me, don't need much of a reason to break up with someone since I look for enough reasons on my own. I have been quite skiddish since my last marriage, and will dump any on their **** for even looking funny. Hence the reason I am trying very hard to be careful that I am not jumping to any conclusions or being paranoid like I have been at times before. I realize that to have a succesful relationtionship with anyone, I can't just up and leave them as soon as things get a little weird for me, done that lots. Hence my confusion now. I really want others unbiased opinions, so that I can make sure I'm not just being paranoid or untrusting of men, which is very much an issue of mine.

[newhere808]

I'm not really trying to defend him, but I am trying to explore any and all reasons for this. I don't want to jump to any conclusions or do anything rash. No chance of me getting married or having any kids with this or any man since, I am done having kids, he is fixed, and I don't even see the reasons for marriage or have any urge to get married at all to anyone ever. I am very upset about this, and trust me, don't need much of a reason to break up with someone since I look for enough reasons on my own. I have been quite skiddish since my last marriage, and will dump any on their **** for even looking funny. Hence the reason I am trying very hard to be careful that I am not jumping to any conclusions or being paranoid like I have been at times before. I realize that to have a succesful relationtionship with anyone, I can't just up and leave them as soon as things get a little weird for me, done that lots. Hence my confusion now. I really want others unbiased opinions, so that I can make sure I'm not just being paranoid or untrusting of men, which is very much an issue of mine.

I think I understand where you coming from a bit better now. But there is jumping to conclusions and then there is taking action against something that is hurting you. I definately respect you trying to not repeat mistakes you feel you've made in the past, but don't hold those conclusions back at the expense of yourself

[danceintx]

Thanks for all of yall's concern and support by the way. I just called my ex boyfriend to talk about this, cause for 1, it's much easier to describe on the phone, 2, he knows me very well, and 3, well he gives friendly advice. But he said that this guy is not making love to me, he is grind f-ing me. Good way to put it. And that if he loved me, he would want to make love to me. Guess I can see that. He made some jokes, but essentially said I need to have a serious heart to heart with this guy. Definitely agree, I have gotten up the juevos to lay it all out for him I think, and will do that tonight on the phone. I am going to be assertive and ask straight out about the porn, cause my ex said that could be a huge contributing factor, and flat out tell him that crazy, wild, porn sex is fun sometimes, but that I want sensual, passionate, intimate sex sometimes too. And we'll see what he says. I'll also of course try to be specific about what hurts and what's too far. I don't want to make him feel belittled about it, or backed up in a corner, hopefully I won't. : ) But we'll see if this gets anywhere, I am to the point that after this last ditch effort, I am totally willing to tell him I don't want to see him anymore. Cause I could see this getting to the point that it would affect me wanting to have sex with him at all.

[Texasred]

Yes, I can see how this seems. I have in the past had a tendency toward abusive men.

Dance, you just keep saying things that make me cringe!
You've had a "tendency toward abusive men" in the past, and this guy is another one!!!

His behavior is that of the classic abuser: he hurts you, apparently on purpose, since you've asked him repeatedly not to, and then apologizes profusely afterwards, swears he'll never do it again, etc.
They write movie scripts like this, and guess what? It always turns out badly!

Get away from him while you can! OR at the very least give him the ultimatim:
"Hurt me again and I'm outa here!"
And stick to it!

You're too good for this excrement.!

- TR

[danceintx]

His behavior is that of the classic abuser: he hurts you, apparently on purpose, since you've asked him repeatedly not to, and then apologizes profusely afterwards, swears he'll never do it again, etc.

- TR

, I got jipped then, cause my crazy ex husband never apoligized for squat!! lol!

[Texasred]

, I got jipped then, cause my crazy ex husband never apoligized for squat!! lol!

Well, there's "abusive," and then there's just plain out-and-out crazy!
And you don't want to be associating with either one.

Take care of yourself; nobody here wants to see you get hurt.
- TR

[Mitchel1870]

Being in a 13+ year marriage I would never intensionaly hurt my wife, not now nor when we were dating. I only ever got 'pleasure' when it was mutual.

[danceintx]

Well, had my conversation with the bf, and honestly don't feel much better than before. It was a bunch of "well, what's too rough?" and when we had the convo before about the roughness he said I never explained how rough was too rough, although he said it wouldn't happen anymore then. I explained for about 20 or 30 minutes and when he seemed as perplexed as before I told him mabye we just aren't on the same page sexually. Honestly, I have birthed 2 children with no drugs, I have tatoos, my threshhold for pain is not low. I am with 95% of the population with what I like to do during sex. So why is this so confusing??? And he said he hasn't watched porn in years and his ex didn't like rough sex. And he said the fisting thing he has no idea where he came up with that. I am no more reassured than before, other than him saying he knows what not to do now, but I'm not so sure. I will wait and see, but the first time it gets weird, I am totally ready to move on.

[SFDad]

"I realize that to have a succesful relationtionship with anyone, I can't just up and leave them as soon as things get a little weird for me,"

Dance- I suggested having an open discussion with him, but really- from your description this guy has no concern with your comfort at all. Its not a matter of leaving as soon as things get wierd for you, its being with someone that apparently has no regard for your safety, health or comfort.

Have that discussion with him if you want, but the more you describe how onesided your sex is with this guy, the more scared I am for you. Be careful please.

And for certain if he ignores your boundaries next time don't be passive- yell- jump out of bed- scream at him. My wife would have grabbed my testicles in a vise grip just to make sure I understood.

[newhere808]

Well, had my conversation with the bf, and honestly don't feel much better than before. It was a bunch of "well, what's too rough?" and when we had the convo before about the roughness he said I never explained how rough was too rough, although he said it wouldn't happen anymore then. I explained for about 20 or 30 minutes and when he seemed as perplexed as before I told him mabye we just aren't on the same page sexually. Honestly, I have birthed 2 children with no drugs, I have tatoos, my threshhold for pain is not low. I am with 95% of the population with what I like to do during sex. So why is this so confusing??? And he said he hasn't watched porn in years and his ex didn't like rough sex. And he said the fisting thing he has no idea where he came up with that. I am no more reassured than before, other than him saying he knows what not to do now, but I'm not so sure. I will wait and see, but the first time it gets weird, I am totally ready to move on.

Well i'm glad you guys had your talk, you've drawn the line, as long as it's in concrete and not sand I think you'll be alright. Hopefully things improve, one way or the other.