[asiangrace]

Wait a sec, now that I look at your username, I vaguely recall a thread you started about being very dry or something during sex and it was even painful...? I think a lot of the responses to that thread were similar to this one, have they helped at all?

Sex is usually painful me until about 3/4 of the way through when he's about ready to come. I am very small, even the doctor told me that I was smaller than he's seen. He needed to get an ultra small speculum during my last check up. We've found a good lube to use that helps with the dryness.

Everybody has such great suggestions! And I sooo appreciate all the help and kindness. I am just getting so frustrated because I want to make my boyfriend feel just as special as he makes me. I feel bad that I don't have a sex drive.

[asiangrace]

I am beginning to think there is something wrong with me

[rcoreyus]

Is it all sex that doesn't interest you, or just intercourse?

[Mes T]

Right, going along with rcoreyus, how would you feel about say, some steamy make-out sessions and passionate touching, without penis-in-vagina? Does that not interest you either?

[newhere808]

I would hesitate to think that there is anything "wrong" with you, though it does certainly seem like there is something in the way. You may simply be reluctant to that type of intimacy due to something that happened either in your past, or in this current relationship.

There is always a reason for lack of drive, in men and women. It could be just as psychological/emotional as it could be chemical/phsyical. Honestly, and this may sound selfish, you may want to focus more on enjoying it yourself, and not being a great lover "for him". The fact that you do what you can to please him is admirable, but it takes away from the overall point. You should both enjoy eachother, and if that isn't happening you need to find a way to make it happen.

The have been some great suggestions in regards to trying things other than vaginal intercourse. Just take baby steps, it sounds as if your guy is very understanding, i'm sure he'd be happy to work with you. Start small, don't force it on yourself, the added anxiety will only make things worse.

Good luck

[StillLearnin]

I am beginning to think there is something wrong with me

First of all, there is nothing wrong with you. With sex there is no right or wrong, and everybody is different.

I have some advice for a long term relationship. If your BF truly loves you, and is committed to you, but if he has a sex drive, he will probably tolerate the lack of interest and lack of sex for a long, long time. Believe me, I've been there. Some men don't need sex as much as others, which is rare. Maybe he's that type of man. But probably not.

To be fair to both of you, he needs to communicate his desires and needs to you, and you need to communicate what you honestly want and can do (not just can do for him, but can do for yourself. You need to get some satisfaction from sex too.) in the bedroom.

Love is a powerful drug that blinds people from the reality of the true needs they have. You know the saying: "Love is blind." It is so true. People have basic needs in life to be happy. If those needs aren't met it is a miserable life. If he's not having enough physical connection with you he'll be miserable and resentful. If you are only having sex to satisfy him you will be miserable and resentful. Don't let love blind you!

Both of you need to reach deep down within your soul and determine what your true needs are in life. Get over the love thing for a while and be realistic. If there is common ground then that is wonderful. You will have something to work with. If there isn't, which would be unfortunate because it sounds like you two are deeply in love, then decisions need to be made about how you want to spend the rest of your life.

Like I said, there's no right or wrong. As other people have said on this forum, there's no good or bad, and it's all about sexual compatibility.

[Little_Man_in_the_Boat]

I am beginning to think there is something wrong with me

I don't think there is anything wrong with you.

Sounds like maybe your boyfriend doesn't fit you.

If your in pain its pretty obvious to me that you need to stop what you are doing.

Continuing on with pain is just going to make things worse.

I don't know what you can do, you need a lot more foreplay, to get you wet before he even thinks about entering you.

I think if is a caring guy he will take his time to get you aroused to the stage where you can make love.

[WildChild]

I'm not going to jump on the bandwagon here and tell you there is nothing wrong with you. It's obvious this is a concern to you and in all honesty if this man has a normal sex drive and you stay together, over time you are likely to feel less like accomodating his needs and this will degenerate into another sad, unfullfilled relationship that we read about here so often. Unless something is out of wack, people are interested in sex. In some cases less interested than in others, but still interested, if there is no interest something isn't right. It could be mental/emotional, it could be physiological. First things first, if you have insurance, get a complete check up including hormone levels. Are you taking any meds? For anything? Many drugs can suppress desire and it seems birth control pills especially.

If you are aroused then intercourse shouldn't hurt. Read through this thread, it's long, but see if anything sounds familiar? There is a lot of advice in there that may be useful to you.

https://www.womens-health.com/boards/lounge/18527-boyfriend-doesnt-turn-me.html

My guess is that at this point you are dealing with a combination of things. You aren't really aroused, try intercouse, it hurts, that decreases the likelihood of arousal next time...You love him, want affection and closeness, that's good. You aren't completely shut down emotionally. You will have to do some self examination - what kind of messages did you get about sexual intimancy growing up? About touching yourself or being touched sexually? Sometimes negative sexual messages are instilled very young and they are strong. How do your parents show affection? What about religious aspects? Do you regard sex as sinful and wrong? As only for reproduction? Or only in marriage? Even if you don't think you buy into that thinking as an adult, it can still have an affect.

Then consider the health and physical side. Have you are been really aroused? Ever? Have you ever had an orgasm? Just leaned up against the washing machine and gotten a little zing? Can you think of anything that turns you on? Forget right or wrong, sometimes people fantasize about things they would never actually do but they think it's "dirty" or "twisted" and shut it down. Is there anything that gets you hot and bothered and quickens your breath?

If you want to resolve this it will take some detective work, testing (medical, physical and mental) time and the determination to stick with it until you get there. Orgasm and sexual fullfillment can add a whole new dimension to your life.

[asiangrace]

Right, going along with rcoreyus, how would you feel about say, some steamy make-out sessions and passionate touching, without penis-in-vagina? Does that not interest you either?

After reading everything and doing my own thinking, I think I've come to the realization that I just don't like intercourse. I love a passionate make out session and touching. Intercourse itself, just doesn't excite me. At all. The weird thing is, I'm not shy about my body at all! I'm a dancer and very confident. So it's not like I'm private about my body and don't want him touching it.

Psychologically, I have never had anything done to me. I've never been raped or sexually abused or been in bad relationships. I was raised in a strict Christian home where i was taught that having sex before marriage was a carnal sin. I don't believe that anymore and am happy with my life and choices.

It isn't a self esteem issue either. I have a healthy view of myself and my boyfriend has a healthy view of himself as well.

Right before he's about to enter me, I almost get a scared feeling. It's weird and I haven't been able to explain that one yet.


I don't have health insurance though because I don't have my full time job anymore. So I can't go to the doctor. Believe me, if I could, I'd be there yesterday

I just know that during intercourse, I'm finding myself hoping he'll come soon. Nothing is too quick for me.

So if it happened to be some horomonal imbalance, is there a way to fix that??
I just feel like it's not normal to have no sexual cravings. For anyone. It isn't just him. I didn't want have sex with my last boyfriend either.

[Mes T]

I just know that during intercourse, I'm finding myself hoping he'll come soon. Nothing is too quick for me.

That sounds to me a lot like my situation with my last boyfriend.

I enjoyed being passionate with him in EVERY respect EXCEPT penis-in-vagina intercourse.

When two people touch, make out, etc, they receive pretty much the same amount of stimulation and enjoyment.

But with intercourse, since a man and woman's needs tend to be so different, it's very easy for ONE person to be getting most of the enjoyment and not the other.

Bottom line, since you can and like being sensual in other ways, I'm convinced that your boyfriend just isn't fulfilling your needs. This could be because:
a) He doesn't care enough to (which I doubt)
b) You fake enjoyment well enough that he doesn't know any better

The latter was definitely true with my ex, as I was worried about hurting his feelings if I told him the truth about what does and doesn't work for me.

Question: Have you ever had an orgasm? And I mean by yourself? If not, then it'd be great to spend some time learning how to pleasure yourself. You can then teach your partner how to do the same thing for you. And then, after you've had an orgasm, intercourse would probably feel a lot more enjoyable.

What WC said is absolutely true. This can't go on indefinitely, one or both of you will end up miserable.