[Marie36]

Wow...I completely understand where Hopeless Dork is coming from and agree with her. And yes, it can destroy relationships depending on the couple and the reasons for the porn. But the bottom line is, if you feel uncomfortable with it, you should be able to talk to your husband or bf about it. What's more important? Your actual wife or the so-called "screen"? Should be a no-brainer if it's really no big deal.

As his wife, your judgement should be based off of his actions, not his words. "Just a guy thing" is true in most cases. Men like boobs and naked women and so on. Whether it be porn, sexy women on TV or whatever. They like it. Just like I loved the Mario Lopez spread in People Magazine last year. Yummy! But "No big deal" means, they can do with or without it. And if something is no big deal, they can give it up without batting an eyelash. I would gladly shred the Mario Lopez spread if my husband told me it made him feel uncomfortable in any way. Because it truly is no big deal to me.

If he's not willing to give it up or look at it less, it's a bigger deal than he cares to admit. You said he's been into porn his whole life right? If that's the case, maybe he just doesn't really know what it's like to not have it or to utilize it in his sex life??? Just a thought since you said he uses what he learns on you.

As for the snooping...there's really no need to as he admits to being on those websites and doesn't take your concerns seriously anyway. (It would be different if he was lying about it and you wanted to confront him with the truth). So the constant snooping is only making you dwell on the issue even more. And honestly, if you always worry about what he's doing, eventually, you won't be able to enjoy what you're doing. The only reason I would snoop would be if you thought he was on there more than he says he is. Then I would snoop and confront him with what I found. But if he's been completely open about it, there's no need to snoop at all.

I am glad your sex life hasn't been affected by it in a negative way at all. Sounds like it only enhances it, which is wonderful. But the fact is, it still bothers you and as your husband, he shouldn't just brush off your feelings. He should at least take you seriously and try to reach some kind of compromise that you both would be comfortable with. But we can't force anyone to do what they won't do....and I'm sorry, but if they just plain won't do it, there's more behind it than a normal "Guy thing" in my opinion.

[Hopeless Dork]

I have told him that porn involving sexual acts DOES NOT... NOT NOT NOT... hurt my feelings. Because if he's watching a sex porn movie, I don't feel inadequate... ain't nothing that girl can do that I can't do and I don't feel threatened by it, I don't feel its an attack on my ability to turn him on like when he's just viewing pictures of girls to do the trick.

There is no benefit to that as far as our sex life goes. How does him looking at a specific spread of a particular girl in anyway give him thoughts or ideas of what WE could try?

It DOESN'T. Its that girl. I can not be anyone but me... I can't be all 10 million of the various photo galleries of individual girls available on the internet. Finding that he is looking at pictures of girls for his chosen excitement method makes me feel WORTHLESS. Like what do I need to be there for? I can do splits and backflips for him in bed and he can look at a picture of a girl standing there and get the same result. It just makes me feel not good enough.

The curiousity and natural instinct a lot of people have to want to watch people perform sexual acts is not something I have a problem with. In fact on several occasions I have watched it WITH HIM. And enjoyed it.

What makes me feel not good enough is when he's just looking at girls by themself standing around being hot. Now, I know that guys will , when they come across something hot , look at it, think wow thats hot, its normal... I don't expect him to be a preist. But when I am not around and he wants to have alone time or get turned on by something and chooses to look at pictures of girls to do that... it is a kick to my guts.

Would he pull up a picture of me (oh I've sent him many) and use that for excitement? Nah, but susie or cecelia or wendy or wtf ever tan in a can 18 year old will do the trick... how can I NOT feel insulted by that? How can I feel that I am enough to please him sexually when a picture of SOMEONE else is what he sometimes wants to get him in the mood.

I've drawn my line in the sand on the issue ... he can do whatever the heck he wants. By himself. I don't have to stand around, with as much as I do to make him happy, being made to feel less important than a picture of some stupid girl. That looking at her , her wonderfulness is so much more dang important that its worth losing me over. I have repeatedly talked the talk and havent yet walked the walk out the door.

If my feelings don't come first to him... I've got to step up and make them come first to myself. Yes I love him. I'd be content to spend the rest of my life rubbing his feet when he gets home from work, taking care of him when he is sick and fulfilling any sexual fantasy his brain can come up with but if all of that isn't worth more than some 'just a guy thing' need to view pix of girls for excitment then nothing I do ever will be.

[Texinator]

I think it comes down to variety and has nothing to do with how he thinks of you, but I don't think that even matters anymore, considering you've said countless times that it hurts your feelings and he thinks porn is no big deal.

Well, if it ain't a big deal to him and if it hurts your feelings that much, then he should just give up on the porn altogether. It's really that simple.

[Millania]

HopelessDork-I wrote you aprivate message
Tex-totally true, if it was "no big deal" like our men say, why cant they just give the dam thing up already! but nope they cant..its like a big rush..as soon as we leave the house..they are like little freakin' children trying to steal candy from the candy store..its almost like they have it in the back of their head already..ok as soon as she leaves I can go to town..ugh, its just ridiculous and its messing up so many relationships

[Marie36]

Very well said HD...I really hope your bf takes you seriously and things work out for you guys, because you seem to really love him. But I understand where you're coming from and if you are with someone who makes you feel worthless, he's not the right one for you.

[Fallen1]

...; I think it comes down to variety and has nothing to do with how he thinks of you ......

I guess this is something I will never understand - variety. Maybe because I'm not a guy I don't understand why it is needed?

[Millania]

Marie36-I know right? she said it well, she seems like a super strong woman to be standing up for herself like this! No one deserves to feel worthless. Since I am married I am trying SO hard to mend the marriage instead of giving up. Its a hard battle to be in sometimes because we all want it to work out so bad but like other people stated earlier in this thread, we can tell them not to do it until we are blue in the face however its really up to the man to stop his behavior, hence, we may never know he truly stopped since they all know how to clear history and can easily tell us they stopped when they havent. But I agree with you Marie-I hope it works out for HD and her man, its such a hard spot to be put in(feeling worthless at times due to boyfriend/hubby wacking it/oogling women on the web)

[Millania]

Fallen1-most of us women(including me) do not understand the "variety" thing
it is imbedded in a males DNA to spead his seed, to impregnante as many females as possible, reproduction, I watched a special once about this, thats why men are hypnotized by women at times-Studies show that it is very difficult for a man to stay monogumus-only due to genetics/instincts
I guess this is why a lot of married men love porn, because if they cant go around spreading their seed at least they can watch different women perform sex acts to "get off", to tame their libido, their sexual urges..

[Fallen1]

Fallen1-most of us women(including me) do not understand the "variety" thing
it is imbedded in a males DNA to spead his seed, to impregnante as many females as possible, reproduction, I watched a special once about this, thats why men are hypnotized by women at times-Studies show that it is very difficult for a man to stay monogumus-only due to genetics/instincts
I guess this is why a lot of married men love porn, because if they cant go around spreading their seed at least they can watch different women perform sex acts to "get off", to tame their libido, their sexual urges..

I've heard that said before but it is my opinion that this particular explanation is nothing more than an excuse to justify a behavior.

Using that same argument (that it's ingrained) why aren't we women constantly having children? It's in our makeup to reproduce also, to be mothers. Why aren't we constantly seeking out the "perfect" mate to reproduce with?

[Texinator]

I guess this is something I will never understand - variety. Maybe because I'm not a guy I don't understand why it is needed?

If you have a beautiful painting on your wall, then surely you will still want to look at other beautiful paintings, no matter how wonderful the one on your wall is, right?

I know that sounds kinda cold, since I just compared a woman to an inanimate object, but stay with me for a sec..

That's what visual stimulation is like for men. If a guy is looking at a woman he doesn't know, then the 'outside' is all that matters. He's not going to be wondering about her personality or her intelligence.

Uh oh.. this is where I just tripped myself up big time.. because I just realized that the above might explain why SINGLE men like to look at a variety of women.

But when a man is a relationship, then not only can emotion influence the visual appeal big time.. because he is looking at a woman he does know.. but the visual appeal also becomes only one of several different appeals.

Here is what I wrote about breasts in another thread..

https://www.womens-health.com/boards/138105-post155.html

The same can be applied to the entire body. And, like I said, visual appeal is relegated to be just one of several different appeals. For example, when I'm in a relationship I can get turned on by things like her confidence or her intelligence, things that have nothing to do with how I perceive her looks.

So even if the urge to look at other women is there, in a healthy relationship it should be so minimal that a man either won't find himself looking at porn by himself or he should be able to easily stop any time she requests it.

However, if he can't overcome that urge, then something is not right, because it indicates a preference for something purely physical over something that is emotional, intellectual, and physical. It could be a matter of trying to avoid emotional intimacy in general, it could be a matter of how he views the relationship specifically.