[mj2010]

Hello ladies,
I'm new here and looking for some advice, or maybe someone who is in the same situation as me. I've known I was bisexual for many many years now, and have been with women in the past. When I met the man who is now my husband, I told him about it. We've been together 6 yrs now, and he's always been ok with the idea of it, but I've never really pursued anything with anyone. Well recently I've become very attracted to a female coworker who is a lesbian. I told my hubby about it and he was excited, until he found out she is a lesbian and not exactly "feminine"....but still he would joke with me about it and ask how my "girlfriend" was doing. Well, the other day I shared a kiss with this girl, and I was very open with my husband about it. He laughed at first, but then I could tell as he was thinking about it it started to bother him. He made comments about her being "butch" and he didn't know that's what I was into. He asked why I don't go for someone more feminine. Now I'm thinking that it's not my bisexuality he has a problem with, but the fact that it's not the exact situation he may have fantisized about. After a long discussion he finally just said it was ok and to do what I want...but now I feel really guilty. I just wish he understood that just because I'm physically attracted to this woman, that doesn't mean that I love her...or that I love him any less....
Anyone else have an issue similar to this? Any advice from anyone else? Thanks so much...

[LanaBear]

Do you both have an open relationship?

I'm just going to throw it out there, but is it at all possible that he's feeling a tad betrayed because you kissed someone else, regardless of being male or female... And he may have had the fantasies of a hot and horny threesome with his bi wife, but sometimes, fantasies are not meant to become reality and maybe he's realizing this.

I guess I equate it to the same thing as if he kissed another girl, how do you think you would react or feel about it?

Welcome to the forum!

[newhere808]

While I cannot speak from a similar position, the obvious thing here is that regardless of orientation, you are married. You may be attraced to this woman you work with, but fooling around with her would be the same as you fooling around with another man in my book. Your husband being "ok" with it could mean a few different things. Either he could be turned on by the idea of it, or he could be trying to be sensitive of your tendancies, and in such tolerating the behavior.

If this is just a physical attraction or flirtation, I would end it quick for the sake of your marriage. I have no problem with people being who they are, but even though you are bisexual, you are married. Not trying to judge you, just offering my 2 cents

[mj2010]

Thanks for your replies...
As for my husband being allowed to fool around with other women without me there...no. A couple years ago, he did have a sexual experience with a male friend of ours who is gay. It was a lot more than I have done with this girl, I'll just say that. He told me about it right away and honestly I was fine with it. The main reason being that I know my husband is not gay, and although he may have been attracted to our friend at that moment, I'm not threatened by that situation. I know he won't leave me to be with this guy. If it were a woman...well, there's a different possibility there. It's the same thing with me...I'm not looking for a lesbian relationship. This is just fulfilling a sexual need for me. Those of you that aren't bisexual probably won't understand what I'm saying. It's totally different, and completely superficial.

[newhere808]

It's the same thing with me...I'm not looking for a lesbian relationship. This is just fulfilling a sexual need for me. Those of you that aren't bisexual probably won't understand what I'm saying. It's totally different, and completely superficial.

This comes off as something of a justification. Regardless of orientation, fulfilling any sexual need away from your spouse is cheating. If you two have that kind of opennes in your relationship then so be it. But I don't think the rules should change just cause a person is bisexual.

[Futureboy]

MJ

I imagine when you first told your husband he thought it was nice showing your sexually adventurous side and maybe one day he could benefit from it with you and another girl

Now the reality has hit him he has competition and it is competion he doesn't understand and can't compete with. He is probably feeling vunrable.

I understand having physical desires for someone who you don't love when you are in a relationship. Personally I believe you have to choose between a sexual fling that could seriously damage your relationship or you husband and your husband

[Hoochie Coochie Man]

The way Girl-girl relationships are portrayed in popular culture and pornography is such a male fantasy that it is embarrassing. Two attractive, cutesy, extremely feminine girls sexually romping for a male voyeur, fully aware of his presence and often overtly performing for his titillation. What could be threatening about that? Their over the top femininity contrasts perfectly with my masculinity and often the girl-girl play halts once “big daddy” decides to instruct the little lasses with Ed Sullivan’s “Really Big Show!” LOL

Of course all the Lesbian couples I have known through the years have followed a different dynamic. Please understand that I do not intend to imply that what follows is stereotypical, I am fully aware of the infinite diversity possible in all relationships both straight and gay. That being said the lesbian partners I have counted as friends always seemed to have in varying degrees a “butch” and “femme” partner. With those couples I have become very close with I have also noticed that my friendship with the “butch” partner starts to take on aspects of my “male” friendships while my friendship with the “femme” partner stays decidedly “male/female”. My point is this; Imagining myself in the situation you describe, I could see where I could develop a sense of competition with a butch lesbian for the attention of a mutual admired bi femme. Further, I could see where I might feel threatened by the competition, particularly because my competition had an intuitive understanding of the female psyche that I could never possess. Finally, knowing that the object of our attention would be open to both advances would definitely further my discomfort. Of course this is only me emoting so take it for what its worth.

Secondly, through the years I have at different times felt the rush from the chemistry of infatuation or sexual attraction. While exhilarating and fun, I have always sensed a palpable element of danger there. I have seen too many couples, believing they could manage it, get overwhelmed. The result was the destruction of a solid relationship only to find themselves with something less sound once that marvelous biochemical response had subsided. For this reason I have never acted on those “buzzes”.

No intent to sound didactic or preachy. I have been told I am wrong 85% of the time and that the other 15 doesn't count.

[rcoreyus]

You need to discuss with your husband what is, and isn't OK in your relationship. It may be that the idea of you with another feminine woman seemed fine to him - even if he didn't get to watch (or join), he could imagine. You and a "butch" woman may have seemed like you and another man - he may only have realized this after it happened.

I think you don't need to feel guilty IF (and its a very big if) you are not straying outside of the bounds that you and your husband have agreed on with the relationship.

[LilahX]

Discussing this openly and honestly is the only thing to do here. You can't be expected to repress a part of your sexuality so what you need to decide is how you can explore this.

He needs to understand (and believe) is that your emotional feelings for him are not under threat. Once he can get his head and heart around that then you can discuss exploring your bi side together. Finding single women to meet up with a couple is very difficult though so unless you both can contemplate meeting couples perhaps he can play the 'voyeur' vicariously where you go out and explore then come home and tell him all about it.

As for his reaction to your attraction to a 'butch' woman, it sounds like you're like me - how a woman looks plays no part in attraction to her. Hopefully he can concentrate more on the fact that you're turned on rather than his personal feelings towards the other person. If you do have any liaisons in the future just tell him the basics of how she looks and that you find her attractive. That fact should be what turns him on.

Good luck - I hope you can come to some undertstanding and be free to explore this. It can be very rewarding with an understanding and supportive partner.

[rcoreyus]

LilahX, I'm afraid I need to disagree. When someone gets married, they usually agree to repress that part of their sexuality that doesn't relate to their spouse. Couples can make other arrangements if they wish (I have no moral objection) but the default is to only engage in sexual activity with the person you married.

Many people in relationships suppress their feelings for others, whether of the same or opposite sex.