[HelpMe01]

me n my boyfriend have been together for over 3 years, and have had an awesome relationship, and awesome sex life! he has always had OCD but a while into our relationship he kept having thoughts/worries about being gay n we both figured it was just HOCD after reading about it, but now just the other day my boyfriend starts asking me how i would feel if he was bisexual n i really dont know what to tell him, i mean i love him to death n still wanna be with him and have nothing against gay/bi people but i just dont know how to feel about my boyfriend being into guys... he told me that he is attracted to guys but doesnt want to be with one, he tells me he loves me and only wants me. i believe him to a certain extent n i trust him but how am i supposed to know that him being bi wont lead to him wanting a guy? n i seen he was lookin up online gay sex, and looking at pictures n that made me so uncomfortable i didnt even know what to think about that, and still dont. i asked him about it and he said that he is not interested in having sex with anyone else but me. an then we got into a huge argument over checking ppl out, cuz we were at a restaurant and i noticed him looking at a guy, n later on i told him about him and he said that he was just looking and that doesnt mean he liked what he saw, n that hes not blind so if hes gonna notice a good lookin guy...n i told him that i can deal with him noticing a guys good looking, but i cant deal with him checking guys out n he went on n on about how he doesnt chck anyone out he just notices certain "features" about them, please tell me is that considered checking out?
and please help me, i dont know what to do about this, i dont know how i should feel or anything.
I want to be with him, and before he told me all this we were planning a wedding and everything...i still want that but i dont know how i can do that if i cant figure out how i feel about him being bi, and looking at guys all the time.

[shikiraclare]

Hi there,

Noticed you didn't have a reply yet so thought I would give some helpful advice.

It must be really frustrating for you and because I went through the same thing myself with a past boyfriend; I understand where you are coming from. I can reassure you that someone who is confused about their sexuality, has no direct link with any mental health condition when there is nothing written about it by top mental health experts. (I have studied psychology and looked into this myself so know that there is no correlation). Some people go through phases of confusion about sexuality so it could be that he needs to talk to an experienced counselor or someone at the gay and bisexual switchboard.

It appears however, that your boyfriend is fearful of exploring his feelings for the same sex when he is deeply and honestly committed to you. On his part; the dilemma is that he doesn't want to jeopardize what he has with you when you clearly mean a lot to him and wants a future with you but perhaps is looking for your approval/permission to see whether or not you would be happy for him to remain being his girlfriend whilst exploring his bisexuality.

When I was with a man like this; it eventually destroyed my confidence in him and what we had together and even though he hadn't slept with another man; had the desire to explore that possibility which meant that he wasn't completely available to me. We were together for two years and remained loyal to him as a girlfriend and tried to ignore his bisexuality but it drove me away in the end when I couldn't cope with the idea of being shared even with his thoughts of the same sex. If your boyfriend is only interested in you and what he has with you, then he wouldn't be taunting you the way he does or talk about his feelings in a way that leaves you confused about him or causing you emotional pain by making his bisexual confusion an all important issue that you are supposed to find the answers.

You don't have many options in a situation like this and although I would love to say to you, ignore it or everything will be okay; that isn't going to help you at all and leave the problem unresolved. This is definitely going to knock your self-esteem and make you feel insecure; inadequate; emotionally abandoned; hurt; angry; mistrustful etc etc when you are facing a situation that threatens to tear your own secure-sexuality as a heterosexual woman apart. From everything you have told me, what your boyfriend is asking of you is if you would be open to the idea of him exploring his bisexual feelings to some degree and is trying to test your reaction to get your approval or if you would up and leave him.

The risks are, are that if you stay in this relationship; you will need to be very strong and accept that this is something that isn't going to go away and possibly become damaged yourself as a result if it is destroying your self-esteem and he isn't getting support for. If he hasn't gotten your approval to explore these feelings, there is also the very likely chance that he will become discreet about it. If he has had these feelings for quite some time (rather than just recently confused) then inevitably they are apart of who he is and this is where your future lies with him if you can accept this. It's a painful thing to go through but you must let him know where it is you stand in how you feel about it all because otherwise it will drive an even larger wedge between you over time.

[MrsLyons]

Bi Men

I dated this guy once that was bi, I dated him for 2 years. I found out later on in the relationship though, it caused problems, but he swore to me he was not having any sexual relations with anyone but me. Later on in the relationship I found out theat he was having sexual relations with men, that ended the relationship, but remained friends. The first thing I done though was went to my gyno and got checked for std's and luckily didn't have anything. That is the first thing I would recomend for you to do. Because guys have been known to lie about what they do. I am not saying that he is having sexual relations with anyone else, but I would get checked to make sure.

[skipper]

It is not uncommon for males to be bisexual just as it is not uncommon for women to be bisexual. The question you must answer is: Can you live with a bisexual man? He coming to you and asking for your support and if this is a dealbreaker then you need to break up.

We (my wife and I) have a good friend couple and the guy is bisexual and it is not an issue for them. They invite guys over or couples and they have 3/4 somes and it works for them. She accepts it. He doesn't cheat on her b/c he plays w/ her w/ their friends. They've been at it for years now. I think they've been married 8 yrs or more.

If the thought of all this freaks you out, then you two probably aren't made for each other. It's good that he brought it up b/f you got married. I bet it's been troubling him for some time and he's breaking it to you as gently as he knows how b/c he loves you.

I think you have a bi or very bi curious guy on your hands and if you do, he is very likely to seek guys either with or without your permission. You'll have to decide what you are going to do. I am sure that if you don't give him permission it will destroy your relationship sooner or later.

Your chances for STD's will go up but as long as you both practice safe sex you can greatly diminish your risks.

Wow. I'm sure that was a frigging bombshell that came out of nowhere.

[LilahX]

I'm involved with a bi guy and it's not an issue. In fact, it's the best of both worlds for both of us. Ok, we are swingers so we meet other people for sex anyway but with a bi guy he gets to indulge his 'other side' and I get to have the attentions of two horny men.

Being bi is not a threat to your emotional r/ship. I am bi as well and while I fancy sex with women like crazy, there is no way I want a r/ship with a female. It's purely a sexual thing and sex and bi sex has nothing to do with my emotional feelings for my man.

This is not something you can ignore and it won't go away, and going by the many bi guys we've met he will explore it with or without your participation/consent. Surely it would be better to have it as something you share rather than something he feels he has to hide from you. He's done a lot better than so many men in being open with you about his sexuality. You're way ahead of so many women who are unknowingly in a r/ship with a bi guy.

It's a hard thing to come to terms with if it's not something that you've ever thought about before but with honest communication and the ability to feel secure in your relationship hopefully you can let him be himself sexually which will be something he will cherish in you.

[Little]

There's no reason why a bisexual person can't be monogamous! I don't know where this misconception comes from. I'm bisexual and have NO problem saying no to a hot woman ... I love my boyfriend.
There are plenty of people who will use being bisexual as an "excuse" to cheat, and those are simply the kind of people who you don't want to be with. Figure out which this is first hand and decide how you can deal with it.

[KMonte85]

I agree with Little. Being bisexual does not imply a greater risk of infidelity than being heterosexual or homosexual does.

Somebody that is going to cheat, will cheat. It doesn't matter what gender they are attracted to!

Read other posts, heterosexual couples have infidelity problems ALL THE TIME! Someone who is attracted to both sexes is just as likely to cheat as someone who is attracted to only one sex... and their probability of cheating is based off of that individual person's moral compass - not their sexual orientation.

You say you were bothered that he was potentially checking out another guy and looking at gay porn. Would you be as upset if he were looking at other women, or watching heterosexual porn?

I don't think your concerns lie with him potentially cheating on you with another man. I think your concerns lie with being comfortable that your man is attracted to the image of other men. You need to decide if you can live with knowing that part of him. But know that his bisexuality is not a determining factor in if he will cheat on you or not. Not any more than you being attracted to men will determine if you will cheat on him with another man.

[rcoreyus]

Little is right!. OTOH there are some people who feel that they have a right to experiment with their sexuality, and that someone it is wrong for them to repress their homosexual leanings.

I think that there is nothing wrong with any consensual sexual activity, but when you are in a relationship, you should live within the ground rules of that relationship, regardless of your orientation.

One other note - you should not feel obligated to stay in the relationship if you are not comfortable in it. If, for whatever reason, you want out - you can leave - just do so nicely.

[anonymouswhitefemale]

There's no reason why a bisexual person can't be monogamous! I don't know where this misconception comes from.

It's pretty common on these boards, this idea that bisexual men have HIV parties where they bathe in each others blood whenever the girl turns her back. Prejudice is alive and kicking ...

[lookingforhelp13]

Does anyone have advice?

Hi I am just looking for a little advice or support. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years and he is absolutely the love of my life. He finally told me a couple of months ago that he is bisexual. Obviously this complicates a relationship but I love him and his sexuality is just another part of who he is. He has told me that he is in love with me and always will be and he loves being together but he is not sure what he want with his life. He has never been with a man and so he doesn't know what it is like. He wants to take a break so that he can experience being with another man but there is no promise that he will ever come back. He is not the type to play around he likes relationships and commitment. I fully support his wanting to figure out who he is and if he did decide he wanted to be with me I would want to be with him forever. What do I do, should I wait for him if I still love him? Should we just break up? I am having a really hard time with this so I thank you deeply for your help.