[akeshabelle]

My live in partner of 7 years is a really nice guy and my best friend, his family are nice and we have things in common, he cares for me more than he cares for himself, is committed and prepared to settle down... but there is no sexual attraction whatsoever. I don't know if there ever has been. It was his charm, sense of humour and kindness that won me over and made me want to spend time with him.

He believes that I am stressed, tired etc and hopes that my libido will return, while I secretly know that I have sexual desire, just not for him. We have had the "why aren't we having sex" discussion/argument before and every time I have told him it is my problem, I am just not feeling sexual etc. I feel sick to my stomach for lying to him.

I WISH that I could be attracted to him, because apart from that he is the perfect boyfriend. All my family and friends adore him. The worst part is that I have no desire to "fix" our relationship either, because I just feel no attraction for him at all. We are not having sex and I don't care. I should. Even worse, I prefer it this way.

I push myself to have sex because he is a nice guy and I felt obliged to have sex if I wanted to keep the relationship, the only sex I have had in the past 4 years is from the occasional pressured encounter where I felt like I owed him, and I cried because I didn't want to and because it hurt due to me not being turned on in the slightest.

It was OK in the beginning but it has gotten to the point where I have realised I can't have a "headache" for the rest of my life. This has gone on for too long and I have let it because I didn't want to lose his love. I know it is so selfish and I beat myself up about it every day. My boyfriend is so amazing, and I am so scared I am going to end up with some bad boy who I am madly attracted to but who treats me like garbage, but I can't keep this up. What should I do? I love him but I am only 28 and I miss butterflies and passion so much.

[LedZeppelin]

There is no easy way out of this. And by out of this I mean telling him, not the relationship even though that is what is bound to happen.
If your boyfriend is as kind and understanding as you state he is then he will understand that whatever spark was there, if there even was any has vanished in its entirey, and if you have no desire to aid in the creation of one then the solution is simple.
Tell him how you feel at the risk of losing his love. If passion and butterflies is what you want as well as love then the only way to find that is to move on.
Good luck

[PulpFiction]

Why are you not attracted to him? Hairy, lack of muscles, over weight?
If its anything like that talk to him and come to a consensus whether it would be worth it for him to alter his appearance. Goodluck!

[LedZeppelin]

But who knows, the solution may be as simple as PulpFictions comment. May be something as simple as a slight altering of his appearance. If hes not ugly well then my comment still stands.

[akeshabelle]

Thankyou for your replies, however this is the thing people never seem to understand... I have never been attracted to him sexually. It doesn't matter what he does to his body, I still won't be, he just simply isn't my type. I have spent the past 7 years with my best friend knowing that if I ended the relationship it would also be the end of our companionship, and I didn't want to lose that.

It is going to kill him if I tell him this, I need a way to soften the blow even though I know how hard that seems.

[LedZeppelin]

Im sorry to say that you are basically answering all of your own questions. You are not attracted to him and you never will be because you never have been. You said yourself he is not your type. Although it is going to hurt you and him by telling the truth, it is what is necessary because that is what good relationships are built on. Keeping this from him is only hurting you guys even more because it is not what you want. No matter how badly you dont want to hurt him it is inevidable. If he understands then you will not lose his friendship, but if you do then so be it. There is no easy way to do this. If you know it will make you happy being with another man, breaking his heart is the only way to go about it. Im sorry but its the truth.

[akeshabelle]

Thanks LZ.

I am completely aware and I know what has to be done, my concern at the moment is how to go about it. I don't want to say things such as "I don't find you attractive" or "let's just be friends".

[Guest]

well I am afraid that is just exactly what you need to say. pulling punches and beating around the bush never ever gets things accomplished.

say the hard words, but you dont need to say them in a mean way.

you deserve someone you are attracted to and is attracted to you.

and so does he!

[LedZeppelin]

No problem.
And ah I see that is where the problem lies. Well it is far better for the both of you if you were to come right out with it instead of beating around the bush or sugarcoating anything. You ve been together for 7 years im sure that communication is not an issue at all. Just sit down with him and tell him how you feel. As long is it comes from the heart then it is the right thing.

[akeshabelle]

Well considering I have grinned and bared it and kept this from him for 7 years, I'd say our communication (or at least mine) isn't exactly top notch!

I want to tell him as much as I love him I just don't have romantic feelings. God I wish I did.