[Hopeless Dork]

I really think you could spare them the knowlege of them not having ever been your type, that you have never been attracted to them and never wanted to have sex with them. Thats the kind of statement that could crush them. They will forever doubt themselves in new relationships FOREVER... because they will wonder... is this person even attracted to me? Or faking it.... for years even?

You should end the relationship because you are unhappy, you are not making them happy , truly, if you are unhappy yourself. But I think you can end the relationship and not shatter their self esteem at the same time.

Think long and hard about how you would want to be broken up with, you don't have to lie... but where you can spare pain and future emotional damage.. please do so, they deserve that, don't you think?

[akeshabelle]

where you can spare pain and future emotional damage.. please do so, they deserve that, don't you think?

Absolutely, and I have been trying for God knows how long to get the words just right... but no matter how I say it it sounds like I am lying or it comes out wrong.

The first 4 years or so things were good, although I always knew that there was something not quite right when I got a feeling of almost dread when he wanted to have sex, but I just ignored it for a long time, just telling myself I am a woman going through weird mood swings. It's only over the past few years that I have finally faced up to what it really is. It is very hard to say those words to someone when you denied it even to yourself for so long.

I am a very dependant person and I have a massive fear of being alone, I think that's why I have held on so tight for as long as I have, plus he does take care of me.

[Hoochie Coochie Man]

Giving a message like that to someone you care for is agonizing, but sooner or later tell him you must. There is not much I can offer in help. But please consider this; often when women need to tell us guys something negative, they speak in a sort of code, in an attempt to “soften” the message. If I am in a store and I ask a women “what do you think of this color on me?”, her reply maybe “Hmmmm, that’s not bad…”. What I hear is “not a bad choice, great, I’ll buy it”. What she is saying is “Are you kidding? Are you colorblind or something! It’s terrible”.

We guys speak to each other very directly, very bluntly with not a great deal of verbal finesse. To “soften” the message you might start with telling him how special he is to you and how much you care about him. But when it comes to the message be direct and unambiguous i.e. “I am so, so sorry, I wish it were different and I hate hurting you, but I do not find you physically attractive. And I have to be honest because I respect you, I know I never will”. He may press you with “what if’s” but stay with the direct truth. If you slip into code or relent in your certainty, he will be just as “hurt”, but he may hear something different. He may believe it is fixable or temporary or some fault of dress or God knows what, and embark on a course to “fix it”. The end result is you will have to tell him again. Only this time the second “hurt” will be accompanied by resentment for “leading him on”. He will not understand nor credit you with your true intention to be gentle.

Believe it or not, went the hurt finally subsides, we guys respect that directness and see it as a show of respect.

[WantingToBeWanted]

Absolutely, and I have been trying for God knows how long to get the words just right... but no matter how I say it it sounds like I am lying or it comes out wrong.

The first 4 years or so things were good, although I always knew that there was something not quite right when I got a feeling of almost dread when he wanted to have sex, but I just ignored it for a long time, just telling myself I am a woman going through weird mood swings. It's only over the past few years that I have finally faced up to what it really is. It is very hard to say those words to someone when you denied it even to yourself for so long.

I am a very dependant person and I have a massive fear of being alone, I think that's why I have held on so tight for as long as I have, plus he does take care of me.

I'm assuming you want people to be honest with you here, so I'm going to be.

I really don't completely believe that this is just about your not being sexually attracted to him. There has to be more going on here, whether it be him doing some things that bothered you earlier in the relationship, or you having your own issues in the past that are now presenting themselves in this manner. I just don't believe that this guy is everything you want in man, but you are repulsed at the thought of having sex with him. It just doesn't add up for me. If you truly thought the world of him you'd want to work at this, and your sexual relationship would improve.

If you leave him as you talk about doing, I suspect you'd find yourself immediately jumping into the first relationship that presents itself, and initially be in love all over again, only to realize some time later you're right back where you are now sexually.

But that's just my opinion.

[SinisterUrge]

Suggest an open marriage? If your needs aren't met, then neither are his. (If he hasn't been getting it 'on the side' for years I'll be surprised.)

Beyond that you may want to look into anti-depressants, marriage counseling or a trial separation.

[akeshabelle]

Yeah... I'm sorry. I know I came here for advice and you are being awesome and being honest with me and I really appreciate a guy's perspevtive but... I just can't say those words.

I was thinking of telling him I love him but that the way I feel about him is not in a bf/gf sense anymore, that this has become much more of a friendship for me and I don't think it's fair on either of us if I stay.

I saw that Charlize Theron broke up with her boyfriend of 9 years recently because she said they 'felt more like brother and sister than lovers' - that's exactly how I feel.

Maybe I worded my question wrong, this isn't so much about the sex as it is about me seeing him differently, not because of anything he has done, but I think I have changed. But there is no way I am going to dump the whole 'yeah man, I think I need to just like, be free and discover who I am' rubbish on him. Boy this sucks.

[SecretlySad]

I am in a very similar position, ab, although there is probably a lot more to my problem(s). You're not alone though.

[Hoochie Coochie Man]

"I was thinking of telling him I love him but that the way I feel about him is not in a bf/gf sense anymore, that this has become much more of a friendship for me and I don't think it's fair on either of us if I stay."

Wow. That is very nicely said. It is kind, gentle, thoughtful, sincere and yet clear. If it had to be said to me, I would know for certain the meaning and yet would not sense any element of dismissal or insensitivity. I would be hurt and sad for sure, but I don't think I would have a sense of rejection, more of a sense of sadness about something not working out and your desire to let me down a gently as possible.

Thank you for sharing that.

[Hopeless Dork]

"I was thinking of telling him I love him but that the way I feel about him is not in a bf/gf sense anymore, that this has become much more of a friendship for me and I don't think it's fair on either of us if I stay."

Wow. That is very nicely said. It is kind, gentle, thoughtful, sincere and yet clear. If it had to be said to me, I would know for certain the meaning and yet would not sense any element of dismissal or insensitivity. I would be hurt and sad for sure, but I don't think I would have a sense of rejection, more of a sense of sadness about something not working out and your desire to let me down a gently as possible.

Thank you for sharing that.

Agreed... I think that is a delicate and thoughtful way to put it. No one wants to break anyones heart... I mean not most people. And if you have been distant... there is no doubt in my mind he isn't feeling it. He probably loves you enough to stay even though he feels no spark coming FROM you.. just as you've stayed with him depsite not feeling that spark FOR him.

It will be for the best. He deserves to have someone to love him passionately just as you deserve to love someone with that sort of passion.

I think phrasing it the way you have come up with in your last post is something that won't come out of left field... and won't create an insecurity like "i'm just not nor have I ever been attracted to you" would have done.

I think if more people were as thoughtful as you with their break up... there would be a lot less 'damaged goods' on the market. Life keeps moving, he'll find love again and you will too... and why not send him off into his new life without you with his dignity in tact, seeing as how he didn't do anything to hurt you to cause the break up and you do, in fact, care for him deeply.

He's going to be sad, all break ups are... you'll be sad for a while too... but in the long run, you'll know you did the right thing and did it as humanely as possible. Good luck to you!

[akeshabelle]

I am glad you think that what I said is good
I have not done anything about this yet, but thank you for your input anyway.
Aside from the sexual stuff, over the last year or so I have felt very strongly like there is something huge I have been - and still am - missing out on, and I can't shake the feeling. Is it just the 7 year itch or something more? Should I move on? I feel like I am not being fair to him having these thoughts. My heart doesn't feel 100% in this anymore and I feel terribly restless. Someone suggested to me that maybe this is more of a best friend/room mate arrangement and I am just very comfortable? Do you think maybe that as well??
Sorry for the bombardment of questions, I am just having a very tough time figuring my feelings out. He told me just last night that he has never been with someone this long and still been so in love. I couldn't even look at him!