[Casidi]

So, I guess I came to this website to just talk to people and become more comfortable. Let me explain my situation.

I was with my ex for a year and a half, when we broke it off last month we still loved each other deeply (and still love each other deeply), but he just couldn't stand living with me anymore. Seeing me day after day reminded him how little we had sex and how it was very hard to get me aroused. I was almost never into the act (I was into it about once every 2 weeks) and that was not enough for him. I've been to a sexual health doctor and been told that I have a sexual dysfunction disorder (yeah, very vague). Since we have been broken up, I have been trying very hard to gain my sexuality. I've been reading books about female sexual problems and anxiety (which is probably one of the triggers for my low libido).

Me and my ex have continued to hang out, though I live alone. We don't see each other every day (which is nice, it gives me time to work on things on my own), but we do have sex sometimes (about 1-2 times a week) but make sure that we don't push me into it when I'm not turned on.

Does anyone have any suggestions other than going to a sex therapist that we can do? He is going to a therapist on his own, and I can't afford to go to a therapist. Any books you know that are out there for women who have a hard time being aroused? Is anyone else having these kinds of problems or had those kinds of problems? I just feel like I'm the only one :\ I know I'm not, but it's very frustrating. I want to one day get back together with my ex, have a great sexual life, get married, have a family. He is so sweet to me and I love him to death.


Sorry for the wall of text! Any other comments or questions are welcome too!

[Casidi]

Oh and does anyone know any discussion groups in Orange County or Southern L.A. County in Cali for woman with sexual problems?

[Hopeless Dork]

I have a few questions to try to have a better understanding of your situation....

Do you experience orgasm when you have sex with your boyfriend? Have you ever had an orgasm during sex with any guy?

Do you masturbate? Have you ever had an orgasm during masturbation?

Do you get aroused, stimulation, from erotic movies or literature? Do you ever have fantasies or thoughts that have to ability to excite you?

Was sex something frowned on in your household growing up? Do you have any inherant moral barriers to pre-marital sex?

Does your boyfriend take his time with you? Lots of foreplay?

Do you have any body image issues or concerns?

[Casidi]

I have a few questions to try to have a better understanding of your situation....

Do you experience orgasm when you have sex with your boyfriend? Have you ever had an orgasm during sex with any guy?

Do you masturbate? Have you ever had an orgasm during masturbation?

Do you get aroused, stimulation, from erotic movies or literature? Do you ever have fantasies or thoughts that have to ability to excite you?

Was sex something frowned on in your household growing up? Do you have any inherant moral barriers to pre-marital sex?

Does your boyfriend take his time with you? Lots of foreplay?

Do you have any body image issues or concerns?

I sometimes can orgasm when we have sex, but it is usually very difficult to get me to that point. It gets frustrating when he tries so hard to get me aroused and I can't even get to the arousal stage, none-the-less to the orgasm stage. >.< He is very good in bed, so it isn't his fault.

Yes I masturbate, and I can orgasm during masturbation, but that is also very hard for me. I need the EXACT right stimulus. I don't just get aroused by thinking of things, I have to watch porn (which I'm very embarrassed about) and sometimes even that won't work. I just can't get aroused easily. :\ But when I do get aroused, I can almost always orgasm.

I have no fantasies or thoughts that excite me. I could think about sexy things all day and not get aroused. Another thing to point out, sometimes during foreplay he will be kind of dominant and we will play fight, and sometimes that works to turn me on, but sometimes not.

I don't have any problems with pre-maritial sex, it wasn't something that was emphasized in my home. But yeah, my parents didn't advocate anything sexual at all. My dad had looked at the history of my computer when I was 14 and saw I had been looking at porn and got very mad at me.

My ex does take a lot of time with me. Well, he has in the past. It gets hard now because at least 3/4 of the time he tries foreplay, I just won't get aroused, no matter what he does. You can imagine how disheartening that is to both of us.

Well I think I'm cute, I mean there are little things that I don't like about my appearance, but every girl doesn't like SOMETHING about herself. I mean, I have small "love handles" and I hate those. I also don't like how my vagina looks (its like a wrinkly old man...yuck), and my thighs are a little big.

[Hopeless Dork]

Thanks for being so open Casidi. The good news is you have the ability to orgasm Some women, a lot of women... have never had one, don't ever get pleasure from sex and do it simply to keep their relationships in tact, or to feel the closeness had during sex.

The fact that you do have the ability to get turned on, even if its with an aid like porn, and the ability to stimulate or be stimulated to orgasm gives you such a head start to dealing with your 'disorder' they have labled you with.

Your body image sounds healthy and positive and you are right, we all have them.. its just some women are SO concerned with their body image it inhibits their ability to enjoy sex (don't let their partner go down on them, only have sex in positions they can hide in, etc). It doesn't sound like thats a problem for you.

It also sounds like you don't have some mental hang up about sex in general. Your dad getting mad at you for the porn was probably uncomforable... but not as damaging as say someone who got spanked for being caught masturbating etc... there are some things that are taught growing up that make people associate negetive feelings with sex and it doesn't sound like thats an issue for you.

Did/does your relationships have any problems besides the sexual issue? Were you feeling happy in it?

Do you have any other stressers in your life right now that feel unmanagable? Work problems? Money problems? Concerned with family or friends?

Are you taking any medications that have an effect on libido? Anti depressents? Birth Control pills? I am not suggesting stopping either of those things if you are taking them... but talking to your doctor to see if they can maybe change type or dose to see if there is an improvement. Quitting a medicine can have terrible side effects so its important that you never do so on your own.

Alchohol? Drug use? New diet or diet pill?

Any history of circulation problems? Diabetes, or heart conditions?

If you have no stimulation problems (as in no one providing the right type), no physical problems(as in no underlying medical conditions or treatments that can cause the lowered drive, and no emotional problems causing your lack of interest in sex (fear about doing something 'bad' etc/ body hang-ups) no mental problems (gosh that sounds horrible lol) but I mean, no depression, no stress , no anxiety)

If everything is pretty much level it might be time to just start exploring fantasies , if you watch porn, try a new genre of it -- if you like the fighting during sex - perhaps explore some safe sane mild bdsm/spanking... you may have some desires you haven't tapped into or figured out yet that will sexually awaken you. If everything else is fine.. maybe trying out some roleplaying... toys... dirty talk, etc.... just make it a fun project of once a week or once every two weeks - doing something together you haven't tried yet. It will likely be hit or miss but probably fun and intimate either way

[Casidi]

Did/does your relationships have any problems besides the sexual issue? Were you feeling happy in it?

Do you have any other stressers in your life right now that feel unmanagable? Work problems? Money problems? Concerned with family or friends?

Are you taking any medications that have an effect on libido? Anti depressents? Birth Control pills? I am not suggesting stopping either of those things if you are taking them... but talking to your doctor to see if they can maybe change type or dose to see if there is an improvement. Quitting a medicine can have terrible side effects so its important that you never do so on your own.

Alchohol? Drug use? New diet or diet pill?

Any history of circulation problems? Diabetes, or heart conditions?

If you have no stimulation problems (as in no one providing the right type), no physical problems(as in no underlying medical conditions or treatments that can cause the lowered drive, and no emotional problems causing your lack of interest in sex (fear about doing something 'bad' etc/ body hang-ups) no mental problems (gosh that sounds horrible lol) but I mean, no depression, no stress , no anxiety)

If everything is pretty much level it might be time to just start exploring fantasies , if you watch porn, try a new genre of it -- if you like the fighting during sex - perhaps explore some safe sane mild bdsm/spanking... you may have some desires you haven't tapped into or figured out yet that will sexually awaken you. If everything else is fine.. maybe trying out some roleplaying... toys... dirty talk, etc.... just make it a fun project of once a week or once every two weeks - doing something together you haven't tried yet. It will likely be hit or miss but probably fun and intimate either way

The problem with the porn, is I'm too embarrassed to watch it with my boyfriend. Whenever we try, he thinks I'm being too picky. I skip past all the oral sex parts, because I think they are disgusting. :\

I was very happy in my relationship, we had NO problems, which is what made it even harder that we broke up. I know we are trying to get back together, but this is the problem we need to work on in order to work as a couple.

I don't have many other stressors, I mean, I do have an anxiety problem, but it is something I'm working on and isn't bad enough to effect my sexuality THIS much. I've had times where I was completely wonderful feeling for a month and I still wasn't sexual.

I'm not on ANY medications except for a multivitamin. I had gotten off of my other meds about a year ago, when we first started fighting about my sexuality problem. I haven't been on meds since.

I only drink occasionally. Usually just a glass of wine with my ex, sometimes we will drink a whole bottle together, but that is maybe once every two weeks and not within a super short period of time.

No circulatory problems, I'm a very healthy individual.



I know that you are suggesting me go for fantasys, but the problem is I don't have any :\ At all. I don't SUPER enjoy porn, it just helps a little bit. And as I already said, it embarrasses me most of the time, I have to find certain tiny little clips that help sometimes. We already do some mild stuff, like being very lightly tied up to the bed and stuff. That helps when I'm already aroused, but doesn't do anything for me on those days that I just can't get aroused.

As you can see, there's a lot that frustrates me a lot about my sexuality. I've gone through all the checklists for things that might be causing this, and I don't know what else to do.

[WildChild]

Why don't you check out this thread? It lists several books that you may find helpful

https://www.womens-health.com/boards/books-entertainment/12032-books-sex.html

[Casidi]

I'll go check out the thread. Thanks.


Anyone have any other suggestions or know of any free/cheap groups in LA County/Orange County that could be of any help?

[LanaBear]

Instead of watching porn, what about reading more erotic material/books? I think reading it, it allows your imagination to work a bit more, instead of watching two people on the TV.

I know where you are coming from with the porn thing, I don't care for it, thankfully my hubby doesn't either.

[Guest]

well when i first read your post i would have to say that watching porn and reading erotic stories would help, and that reading and researching the problem would give the problem more basis of existence, thereby making it worse. but after reading everything and you say you watch porn and it does turn you on, but does not lessen the problem.
so i have some advice... and trust me this works
your problems may be a little bit psychological combines with a little bit physical. so maybe the physical part will take care of the psychological part a little

there are several over the counter women's labido products that work great. my fiance has at times had trouble with a diminishing sex drive and let me attest to some of the things we used, and the pros and cons of them.

firstly when you say that you are not "aroused" i want to clarify exactly what you mean. since ZESTRA that my girl and i have used with some success. since i dont have a vagina i cant describe exactly what it does or how it feels. but i can tell you that when we follow the instructions - rub a little of the oil on and around the clit for about3 or 4 minutes the results are this... she becomes very aroused. she says it starts to tingle and get hot and her pu55y gets very wet. usually after i rub it in for about 2 or 3 minutes i stop all contact down there so she doesnt get "too sensitive or over aroused" so after about a 5 minute wait with no contact, just kissing, and other petting her face becomes flushed and she is all but begging for some attention... it doesnt taste the greatest but she says oral is out this world when i do it. either way she is turned on and physically very aroused
NOW.. if the problem is that you often dont feel a strong desire for sex at all.. meaning you just dont want it very often then there are several pills out there that will light your fire so to speak. one time we were driving home from a weekend trip and i/we were both kinda disapointed that she wasnt really in the mood all weekend. we happend to be passing an adult book store on the way and i pulled for what i hoped was some inspiration. she was more annoyed than anything, but on the way out at the counter i saw these pills called " star" for women - the logo looks like that "rock star" energy drink. i figured what the , i boughtem for 5 bucks or something and told her she had to take them...
it was another hour before we got home and when we got there i had all but forgotten about her taking them. she said she felt kinda "stoned" and weird. she took a shower and when she got out she made a bee line for my zipper... she claimed she never came so hard as that night. we have never used them since because she said she had a headache later but man it was something at the time...
dont believe everything you read about alot of emotional stuff-- 90% of emotion comes from body chemistry, unless something traumatic has happened, but if you lead a stable fairly normal life only about 10% of your emotion derives from you environment