[Aqemini1977]

I think that you need to really listen to your wife.

She's exhausted, she's working, studying and has a child, you on the other hand are ready, willing and able, she's trying to tell you her needs, you starting to listen.

Guess what? In today's day and age, it's a stuggle.. Both partners have to work, you have said you were raised where a woman should cook, clean etc.

She is working though, studying and raising a child and all you can do is think about your needs, sexual needs, what you want, you way need to see how much time she has for her, and the love and hugs and cuddles and respect and not wanting sex, but love that she needs.

Sorry but you have written all of this and it's evident that she's juggling and trying and can't fathom it.

Vaginal sex? Verses Oral? Some women can have both some get off on one not the other.

Understand your wife, her touch, her weak spots, her needs, desires, it is about equality, not one or the other.

CW

Working/studying are things she has chosen to do. Financially she has been free from the obligation to work since 2002. She wanted to be a housewife from 1999 to 2006 and then finally she actually decided to act on that wish and quit her job. So form 2006 - 2009 she did not work. I mean she was a housewife during that time. Caring for our child and taking care of the house is definitely a form of work.

So I am listening and have been perodically but what is disheartening is the fact that when all those other factors weren't there, her sexual drive was exactly the same. So the "exhaustion" is today's flavor of the month excuse. I would have much more respect and peace of mind if she said "Hey, once of month is what I am". But instead I am running around trying to figure out what I need to do to be a more desireable mate.

I think about her needs often, hence why I am in a forum spending time receiving advice and willing to change and adapt by any means necessary.

Love, cuddles, no attachement affection...she receives all of that frequently.

The only time I get a negative response from her is when I do intentionally withhold no-sex affection. She then knows something is wrong. At that time she will ask is everything okay. Other than that she never utters a word about any intimacy issues. Thanks for your genuine advice though

[WildChild]

She may not know why she has low interest or feels "tired". The first place to start is probably with general health. If you have insurance why not suggest you both get full physicals?
If she is on any meds or BC (hormonal) those can have a huge effect. No desire is an effective means of reducing the chances of pregnancy but someone needs to tell the pharma companies that it isn't an acceptable means for most of us.

Lot of this is head stuff. I'm a big reader and have a thread on books on sex. The mind is the biggest sex organ - take a look and see if any sound interesting? I've got limited time right now but will try to post a bit more on some idea to get the thoughts and juices flowing, as my schedule eases up a bit this weekend

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I have read this "thread" before, a few times, not yours but others.

You seem to have a genuine concern, that being it seems, that you have accomodated her needs, desire, goals. Perhaps she is career orientated, driven by work and learning and being and that is her focus.

Her focus is not on relationships, consequently giving, sexual desires, etc, but her. Her life, her goals, her dreams and your affording her to be all of that, at your cost, MAYBE.

Maybe she hasn't found herself? She wanted to be a housewife but seemingly that wasn't what she wanted, maybe it was for the relationship?

I think she maybe career orientated, driven personality.

How is she with your child?

CW

[Aqemini1977]

she is great with our child. She is the better parent by far. Way more patience. I can not compete at all with her child rearing skills.

It weird but now that our child is started school she has expressed the desire to get back to be a housewife only under the stipulation that my daughter goes to school so she can be home and do housewife things alone.

So it seems she wants to not work and stay at home and do other interests. I am totally fine with that it just sucks it took 5 years for her to figure out what she wants in that arena. She still wants to continue her degree search and maybe head back to the work force in 3 or 4 years.

[rcoreyus]

Aquemini1977, your posts almost perfectly describe my situation (other than children). From other posters here it is pretty common (either men or women feeling neglected). I think you are right about the "excuse of the day". There is always a reason my wife isn't interested in sex - she's tired, not feeling well, chores to do, work to do, etc. All fair, but somehow those excuses don't keep us from doing other time consuming physically energetic things. I've spent more time hiking in the Alps with my wife than making love - and we live 8000 miles from Europe.

I don't think the issue with your wife is her being too busy, I think the issue is that she just doesn't have much interest in sex. I don't think its your fault - it sounds like you put a lot of effort into being a good lover. It also may never get better (25 years for me).

Its strange and sad - from reading many posts here, it sounds like the people who are the most considerate lovers are the ones with SOs who have the least interest in sex. (Yes its clear why this is true, but it is still very sad).

[Aqemini1977]

rcorey

Thanks for the post. I have taken some good suggestions from this thread and I will continue to try my best to be the best husband I can be but it is nice to have someone say "Hey I am going through that too".

I have 3 really close male friends and we talk about everything but they can't relate on this issue at all.

25 years. How have you coped that long with this. Seeing as how you maybe a little older, does your sex drive eventually die down. I am 32 now

I wish my drive would die down to match hers. Then I would not have an issue period.

Last night was particularly difficult. I took off work early at noon, came home and cleaned the entire house and I cooked for the family. We put the kids to bed early (9pm). We had a little 20 min salsa lesson in our home. We watched 3 episodes of first 48 (our favorite). We decide to go to bed at 1am so I give a foot massage (She asked). I go to brush my teeth and come back....The first thing she said b4 I even turned out the lights...."Man, I am so tired" . Inside I wanted to scream since it has been 3 weeks since our last sexual encounter (5 Feb)

I was cool with that though since I am very used to waiting 4, 5 or even 8 weeks between sex. We layed in bed and talked for another 30 min about our future plans and we kissed and she went to sleep.

Of course I can't sleep b/c I am rock steady . I roll over in the spoon position just so she can feel my hardness. Maybe she was already sleep but nothing.

I wanted to leave the bedroom and head to my porn stash and fully take of myself. I did not though. I want to see how long I can go with no porn, no masterbation. It is a personal challenge I started back on 5 Feb. My current record is 4 weeks of no porn/no masterbation. I am determined to go at least 6 months.

[Rediscovered]

For you men who are wanting to get on the same page as your wives as far as making love goes~~you might want to look into something called "Karezza" (means caress)~~

There is a wonderful book and website (I'm not sure if I can mention specifics here?) that explain in detail how you can engage in daily bonding behaviors with your SO *without* the goal of orgasm, which takes the neediness away from your touch. You use a "giving touch" and it makes so much difference in the way you perceive your partner. After practicing these behaviors for a couple of weeks, your relationship can become closer and more sensual.

Both partners need to be open to the experience, though, and understand the goal is to bring you closer together emotionally and physically.

It has been life-changing for me to approach lovemaking this way. I hope I don't sound too weird mentioning this! It's just so heavenly to languish in lovemaking and I feel I want everyone to know about it~~

[WildChild]

Yikes! Why 6 months? I can manage a couple of days, but months?? I'd be one difficult woman to be around.
If you were masterbating so much that is was affecting your sex, I would encourage this step but if you have a non-responsive partner what do you hope to gain?

[WildChild]

For you men who are wanting to get on the same page as your wives as far as making love goes~~you might want to look into something called "Karezza" (means caress)~~

There is a wonderful book and website (I'm not sure if I can mention specifics here?) that explain in detail how you can engage in daily bonding behaviors with your SO *without* the goal of orgasm, which takes the neediness away from your touch. You use a "giving touch" and it makes so much difference in the way you perceive your partner. After practicing these behaviors for a couple of weeks, your relationship can become closer and more sensual.

Both partners need to be open to the experience, though, and understand the goal is to bring you closer together emotionally and physically.

It has been life-changing for me to approach lovemaking this way. I hope I don't sound too weird mentioning this! It's just so heavenly to languish in lovemaking and I feel I want everyone to know about it~~

Sounds like a great book. Why not add it to the Books on Sex, thread? I get tired of being the only one to put anything on there.

[Rediscovered]

Sounds like a great book. Why not add it to the Books on Sex, thread?

Done! I actually added two books about Karezza--to me, it's the style of lovemaking that could possibly make lots of women very happy because it centers around the kissing, touching, bonding parts of sex and takes away the "you get yours and I get mine" mentality. Just wonderful.