[Aqemini1977]

She always orgasms when I give her oral which is about 80% of the time. Vaginal orgasm...I would say never. She says she does sometimes but I don't believe her. Unless her vaginal orgasm are "easy going". I mean I don't make it a point to try and make her orgasm vaginally since she can't tell me how. The only reason she probably orgasms orally is b/c it is something I geniunely enjoy doing and I can instantly sense when she likes something.

Vaginal orgasm is something I need for her to be involved in to make it work.

[pretzel]

Just remember that for a woman, the most sensitive areas for arousal are around the vaginal area, not inside it.

She isn't atypical in that most of orgasms are orally.

[Guest]

Vaginal orgasm is something I need for her to be involved in to make it work.

If you get the chance, have her try it while she's on top facing you. She can control the movement and rub her clit against your lower torso.

After you get that down, it takes some effort, but you can do it missionary, too.

Good luck to you. It's pretty amazing what two connected lovers can accomplish.

[Aqemini1977]

I have tried to get her to rub her clit from missionary, doggy, cowgirl etc but she does it just b/c I suggest and soon stops thereafter. Since you are suggesting this. Are you saying that maybe she only needs sex once a month due to the fact that she doesn't orgasm vaginally everytime? Just trying to understand. Pretty desperate at this point.

[WildChild]

As I understand it, lot of women don't orgasm vaginally. Studies have found that while a woman's brain patterns will show arousal and orgasm, she may not recognize it. It's hard to understand that the brain readings clearly show orgasm has occured while the person says, No it didn't. It's conditioning. "Nice" girls don't do or feel certain things. We've been trained all our lives to be "nice", not to be or touch anything "dirty", like our own bodies.

Another factor is that many women simply fail to register a response because they aren't tuned to it. Ever looked at one of those hidden pictures and you just didn't see it? Then someone started pointing out; here's the eye, there's the nose, and all at once it just lept out at you? After that you could see it plainly. The more of those you do, the better get at seeing them. Men's sexual organs are right up front and from infancy (for those of you who've never had a baby boy - they get erections) they rapidly come to know what stimulates them and what the response is. And since they have to touch their penis when they pee, the messages boys get about touching themselves are different. If an adult tells them not to "play with themselves" or to touch their penis in public, they don't interpret it to mean to never touch.

Girls have it all tucked away, arousal isn't right in front for all to see and when they are told not to touch, they are likely to take that to mean, Never Ever. So many girls have a harder time interpreting arousal as such. Like having a little ache that you learn to ignore, they learn to ignore being aroused. We get women on here asking if it's "normal" to have some wetness or discharge. They literally don't understand that they may become aroused through the day and that their vagina will start to lubricate. Throw into this mix the lovely societal messages about Hos and we can't use all those words here but I'm sure you know all the derogatroy terms for sexual women. And at least in the US the abysmal misinformation of many "sex ed" programs and all the media hype and porn depicting some pretty unrealistic responses from women and you have a recipe for sexually disfunctional women.

You might start with some education - for both of you. Sort of a brush out the cobwebs and start fresh? I'd say get the book, The Orgasm Loop and give it a read for starters.

[Hopeless Dork]

She told you she gets horny once a week but life gets in the way. Do you think that she is overwhelmed? Does she have a lot to get done in a day? It could be that she has time at the end of the day for you but is exhausted by then. Are there things you can do to help her around the house (I'm not saying you don't) I just mean if she feels there isn't time in the day do you think you can help her to have some?

And not just for sex, I mean some "me" time for her. Like time to go meet the girlfriends for lunch now and then. Time to go get her nails done or to get a massage. Time to go for a run or a walk and burn steam.

When a person doesn't have any time for themselves, some little taste of selfishness... to pamper themselves or to relax... they may be less inclined to focus on making time for their partner when they feel like they can't even make time for themselves.

Sometimes after having a child a women can feel less sexual. The "im a mom now, mom's aren't supposed to be naughty" syndome that some go through. Do you guys get opportunities to hit the town, or go for dinner without kids or anyone else, or to have a romantic dinner at home with just the two of you and no distractions? Sometimes a mom needs to be reminded that she is a woman, a beautiful sexy woman.

Taking time to flirt with her without inniciating sex can reap some benefit. If she associates everytime you touch her with you wanting sex afterwards she will be less responsive to those touches. So touch her often, compliment her often, whether or not sex is on the agenda.

Typically the more a woman enjoys sex, the more she wants it, the more she has good sex the more she wants it... the longer a woman goes without sex , its like that need for it starts to fade...

But if she's not giving you opportunities to make her feel good, giving you opportunities to get her crockpot simmering -- its not much you can do to help the situation directly...

She may have some hang ups about sex, she may just really feel like it doesn't fit into her day to day schedule. Once every 2 months for a woman in her early thirties indicates a fairly low drive indeed... but she may have a higher drive in there somewhere that just needs to be awakened. She is getting to that age where most women start to experience sexual pleasure in a more advanced state.

I think 30+ opens a whole new window to the world of sex than prior to that time, orgasms are more intense, drive is higher, etc.. the sexual 'peak' as they call it.. But if she gets complacent and stops thinking about her desires, the less she will have.

[alterview]

to te OP-

OP-

It's great that you have been actively searching for answers. I think this is a great forum for discussing sexual issues (lots of other sites just do not have the same level of clarity and genuine care).

It sounds like the issue started before you had your daughter which is troubling since I know how hard it is to make the time for romance and sex when young kids are added to the picture. Children below school age really do take a lot of time and energy to care for (I do love it and am so happy that I have two).

Lots of great suggestions already so I will just try to add a bit. It is so easy to fall into somewhat lazy routines during your down time. I know what it's like to want to kind of tune out after a long day. Things like watching tv, surfing the internet and playing videos games are good ways to relax but it often is alienating. Not sure if this pertains to your situation but if it does, you might try to have an evening once a week where the tv and computer are off after your daughter goes to bed. Put on some music, maybe have a glass of wine and just talk. Spend time just being close. Hopefully this can help reestablish your connection with your wife. Kind of like when couples first get together.

Another idea: if at all possible, have some one watch your daughter a few times a month to give the two of you some together time. Do things that you two did when you first started dating. What were the events that led up to your first sexual encounter with your wife? I bet she was aroused... try to recreate that.

As others have already suggested, its a slippery slope. The less a women has sex the less they 'need' it. The sooner you can help change the direction the better off you will be.

It sounds like your wife is well worth your efforts.

Best of luck!

[Aqemini1977]

She does complain about being exhausted alot. She has specifically asked that I help her clean around the house more and that I take our daughter out once a month so she can decompress. I need to start to honor these wishes.

She has never been a very affectionate person and I am. I like holding hands, cuddling, flirting and all of that w/out sexual overtones. Your insight is very spot on. I do believe she is exhausted and tired. She works 30 hours a week, she cooks 3 to 4 times a week, and she is a part time student. Plus we have a 4 year old.

Since she has exhibited this low sex drive (once a month) since 1999 (when she was 21), I am sure this is just how she is made up but I am willing to take these stressors off of her just so she is less exhausted.

We have only been on 2 dates since my daughter was born and she complains about this alot. So you have a great point there. I don't like babysitter's (I have serious trust issues) but I need to compromise to make her happy.

I am writing some of your suggestions in my iphone and setting a daily timer so I can start to try some of these things to make her less stressful. Thanks.

It is hard for a man to understand b/c....no let me rephrase. it is hard for me to understand b/c when I am stressed or exhausted my sexual desire doesn't fade but I must understand she is not me!

[alterview]

a great start!

Good job! I think you are on your way. Having someone watch your 'baby' is a tough decision. The older she gets the easier it will be. The 0-4 or 5 range is the toughest time. You are almost much out of that.

As for a sitter; you can start slow, just a few hours at first. Drop you daughter off and head back home and make a nice meal together. It's all about being and feeling close. Make a mixed cd for the occasion. Have fun!

btw- I think you are right; in my experience, women tend to link their emotion with their sex drive more than men. Being stressed out definitely can effect their sex drive. Pampering her once in a while should help a lot.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I think that you need to really listen to your wife.

She's exhausted, she's working, studying and has a child, you on the other hand are ready, willing and able, she's trying to tell you her needs, you starting to listen.

Guess what? In today's day and age, it's a stuggle.. Both partners have to work, you have said you were raised where a woman should cook, clean etc.

She is working though, studying and raising a child and all you can do is think about your needs, sexual needs, what you want, you way need to see how much time she has for her, and the love and hugs and cuddles and respect and not wanting sex, but love that she needs.

Sorry but you have written all of this and it's evident that she's juggling and trying and can't fathom it.

Vaginal sex? Verses Oral? Some women can have both some get off on one not the other.

Understand your wife, her touch, her weak spots, her needs, desires, it is about equality, not one or the other.

CW