[Hopeless Dork]

im going to quote someone here...

"But humans are evolved to the point that its not all about breeding, we have birth control, we can choose adoption or to not have kids at all... etc. So the mate you choose doesn't have to be based on breeding if we don't want it to be. "

do not believe it for a second, this is complete .

the strongest urge humans have is self preservation. the second is reproduction.


do you have a choice on how to go about choosing a mate? absolutely.. but are you attracted to unhealthy, weaker males? i would have to say no.

Why is it junk... when you said essentially the same thing?

I made note of that primal urge to want a healthy mate.... and also made note of the fact that we have a choice. Especially when you are initially attracted to someone then learn of some 'breeding issue' (ugh) later... you can put in your mind it doesn't matter to you, if you want to.

[Ashlee T.]

I appreciate both yours drtony and HD's opinions on the reproductive part of this. Certainly I believe that you both are right. I have, however, read things about women who take BC pill and how that weakens your natural ability to sense out reproductive weaknesses in a potential mate. Who knows if all that's true.... but for the first time in my life I feel like I truly believe it. Even before I knew about the HD, I had many moments of wondering about that because at times I felt like my body was rejecting him. Weird and probably not the case...I know...but it felt like that. Immediately upon sleeping with him, I started to get bladder infections (had them before, but only 1-2 my whole life) consistently. Then I'd stop getting them if we stopped having sex. He's a clean guy with good hygiene so I just could never figure out why. During that time for me sex felt like a negative thing because I always got negative reinforcement (pain and 10 days of antibiotics).

Actually, he's the one that brought up breaking up in regards to the disease. I would have never said "If you have this, I'm breaking up with you". I wouldn't say that, because I don't know that. I truly don't know what I'll do either way. And actually, I asked him what he would do in my position and he said "I'd like to think I could give up everything to take care of you, but after 6 mths I'm not sure I could do that". So I truly don't feel that I have damaged him in some way by throwing some "if you have this we're breaking up" thing in his face. I think that he's able to look at this and think "what would I do if I were in her shoes?" .... and I look at it from his, every single day, which is why I spend so much time hurting over it. I absolutely HATE it for him. I could say it again and again, I don't know......I don't know how I'll feel and I don't know what I'll do.

No one wants to feel like that.....like the person you are with would leave you if you couldn't even possibly assist them in their dreams for the future. But truth is...many people would. Many people decide early on, "I want to marry and have children", and if they meet someone and in the early stages of dating realize they can't have that with that person....lots of people would walk away. Yes, certainly would be different if you'd been with the person for a long time and/or were already married. But truth is, we're human, and while all of our futures are unknown, we DO play a role in it by things we choose.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Unfortunately, sex for us started way too soon. He based his "passion" for me and his comfort level with me around our sex life. When I got the cyst and was hurting so badly, he'd still pursue me for sex (and sometimes I'd give in) but then I'd communicate to him that it hurt me, and that it would leave me cramping for the rest of the day and he'd do the whole "I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better. I hate when you're hurting" spill........but what he could have done was take me at my word, and understand that I was hurting.....and instead of pursue me for sex, maybe nurture me and try to make me feel better? So with that.....and then with the disregard of me in general when it came to sex and his possible disease........somehow I just turned that part of me off. It was like a light switch. Like suddenly I realized that his behavior was exhibiting someone who would do whatever I wanted, say whatever I wanted to hear etc, but when it came to sex and his own satisfaction, he was willing to disregard me, my comfort, my future, etc.

Women are emotional creatures... We see "love" as the passion they give "outside the bedroom", the feeling that makes us feel loved.

Certainly, most relationships start off with chemistry. As such, as soon as you have sex as a woman, you tend to bond straight away, after all, this is your new boyfriend, or so you hope, nothing worse than "doing it" and establishing that he got what he wanted and walks.

But, the fact is that a man, (in my opinion), being my age and well venturing over the years, sees sex as "sex", we see it as "intimacy", until the man is smitten with you as you, a person, the inner you and then he sees and feels the "intimacy", touching the soul.

You state you slept together very quickly, I am assuming that means the bond wasn't developed at the early stage rather the later.

Therefore, when he chose to ignore the cysts and pain and wanted sex, it wasn't what you see as "caring", rather "taking"... and that disturbed you.

I think that you hold those feelings what ever they are, there still here now in your inner most thoughts, down the track. That's normal by the way. But, as such when another problem arises, "warning signs", another problem.

They may not be a problem to others, but it is how you think, what you want, and don't want.

If we all thought like that at a young age, there probably would be less Divorces...

I think it's right to go with your gut feeling. And, I think it's right to not continue a relationship if there are things within it that don't quite add up for you, don't make you feel good and there is no room to change it, it's their nature...

No one is perfect. No one can be everything your after, but communication is a valid and very important key. He didn't listen. He heard you, but he still proceeded. That is what ate you up.

As for the feeling of what if? Where baby's are concerned? That's a separate issue.. We never know what the future holds for us, there I think love rules all, if they are your soul mate, you would take any child that comes your way, and love it the same way.

I don't think he's your soulmate...

I imagine there are other things that you could bring to the table with "yeah and another thing".....

Compromise is important, communication is important. If they can not work with both, then to me, that spells problems in the future.

CW

[Ashlee T.]

CW - It's the strangest thing....where this relationship is concerned I'm SO unsure of myself, what I feel etc. It's weird to me. I look at so many marriages out there nowadays....and it scares me to death because I would PAY to NOT have what so many of them have (or should I say don't have).

Ahhh....sometimes I suppose I just let it get to me too much. Our incompatibilities are pointed out to me daily, but then I ask myself "does that mean we shouldn't be together? Surely it's not meant I find someone exactly like me". I have a Communication degree....I analyze it, I think about it, etc etc etc. And I become incredibly frustrated when I see he's not communicating with me, or not listening to me. And I have never met anyone who could butcher SO BADLY a thought they are trying to convey! I tell myself a lot of that is inexperience...... maybe it is.

You're always so wise.....and thank goodness I have wonderful souls like you all to provide some clarity for me in my times of confusion.

Do you happen to remember the poem I posted to explain my screen name? I wrote this years ago...and it's almost alarming to me how this many years later, I'm still the same!! :\ I often wonder if I'll ever change....and if I'm truly capable of having a soul mate.

Happily ever after?
I’m a beautiful disaster
A chaotic infusion
Of love and confusion
A spirit untamed
With freedom unclaimed
Laden I am with saving grace
Never sure I’m in the right place
I am just a season
That changes without reason
I’m a beautiful disaster
Living happily ever after………..