[TAS]

I just want some advice. My husband and I have been talking about our relationship and he has said that just because we have been married for ten years and have two kids, sex should not have to change.

In my previous post I said I was having problems with pain, well I have been to the doctor and have had tests done and have had treatment for an infection. But this has not helped the pain during sex and I personally don't see sex as the most important part of a relationship. Am I wrong? I think he is also very jealous of the attention I show the kids. I have tried to explain that the kids need that attention, my daughter has been struggling at school and I want her to be able to come to me.

I am not saying that I don't want sex, I just think every other day is too ofter.

[housewife]

Hi Dear
I just joined this site today.
yes you are wrong, sex is a very important thing in a relationship, you are so lucky to have sex every 2 days after 10 years of marriage.

one advice to you don't say no to your husband, otherwise he will look elsewhere.
the pain will go away by taking your medication, I hope that happens soon.
men need attention, the more attention and love you give the more you get.

take my advice and keep us updated.

[tabbycat]

Well, I wouldn't put too much weight on the idea that if you don't give him what he wants, he'll go elsewhere--true, if he's perpetually unhappy with your sex life things will eventually go bad, but you shouldn't think of it as a 'I've got to put out or he'll leave' situation. I doubt he'd want you to have sex JUST to keep him from straying.

I don't have kids, but I'm a grad student so I'm working ALL the time, and that has caused problems with our sex life. The best solution I can suggest is the almighty compromise: maybe every few days, or even once a week to start. Also, he doesn't seem to mind a 'schedule' (since he's proposing every other day), so maybe you could set up a sort of weekly appointment--when me and my husband were having a really hard time connecting, we set aside every Friday night. The scheduling sounds a bit unromantic, but it works well for us--let's you work the rest of your life around that night in advance, let's you get 'mentally prepared' and excited at the prospect rather than frustrated when he asks for sex when you were planning on doing X Y and Z that evening.

I mentioned this on another thread, but if you feel comfortable performing oral sex, I've found it's a great alternative when we want to have sex, but I absolutely don't have time, or I'm so tired that I can't get aroused enough for 'real' sex. He doesn't feel rejected, I don't feel put-upon, everybody's happy

I don't think I'm offering much advice here that you probably don't know--I was just worried that the last poster was a little bleak taken alone.

[tabbycat]

Sorry, I just reread your initial post, a couple extra thoughts:

Yes, sex is not the end-all, be-all of a relationship, but it IS very important, and your husband may feel unloved if you don't love him physically. There is no 'normal' frequency for sex: my husband generally prefers once every week or two right now, whereas I'd like it more often (how's THAT for an unusual situation...)--every couple has to work out their own balance.

Obviously, he needs to show a little consideration if you're experiencing pain, though! Probably a VERY good idea to look into other fun activities then, so that you can feel like you can look forward to sex.

[TAS]

Thanks for the advice, I am not against sex and I have suggested once a week but my husband has said that that is not acceptable. I think it is about time I bring the subject up again and maybe suggest a compromise of twice a week to start.

As for the pain the only option my Doctor suggested is to have my scars reset (I just think this is a bit drastic!)

Will let you know what he says.

[Guest]

I feel your pain I am 39 years old and my husband and I have been married 4 years. When we first started dating my sex drive was fine but it has becaome null and void in the last year or 2. My husband is 7 years younger then I am and he wants sex everyday and i hardly ever want it. I sometimes just do it so he will just shut up about it. I love hime very much and he is a wonderful man but I just do not want it like I used to. I thought that after I have my hysterectomy last year things would get better but I was wrong it seems to have gotten worse. We argue about it all the time and I don't want this to ruin my marriage PLEASE someone help me.

[Guest]

I know how you feel also. I am only 20 but I have had 5 operations in 5 years for "female" conditions as men usually call it. I was (and unfortunately now am again) in constant pain no matter what time of the month, and even more so when recovering from the operations! My ex used to get very angry at me for not wanting sex, We fought about it constantly. And as he is my ex, im sure you know the outcome! But it wasn't the only reason of course so please don't think it happens to everyone who disagrees about sex.

Now i have the pain again and I was worried that my new partner may be upset in the change in my sex drive, but he is very understanding, and agrees that it is supposed to be enjoyable for both people, and i don't think you should feel like you have to. I do suggest though, as i have been doing this myself, that you make an effort not to just do it because he wants it, but actually try to get yourself in the mood. And as one poster said it doesn't necessarily have to be sex. There are plenty of things you can do that wouldnt involve you having to grin and bear through pain! And kids do become a huge part of your life. Maybe if you set aside some time for him a few nights a week, not necessarily for sex, but maybe just time that he is the focus, and explain that just because you don't want sex, doesnt mean you dont want intimacy, he may come around to your point of view a bit more?

[tracym]

Hello There,

I happen to think that sex is a very vital part of a relationship. Yes, I also happen to be a woman and don't consider myself a sex addict or anything like that. I would like to have sex a couple times per week if possible. My husband and I also have a ten year old daughter. My advise is to is that you ask your husband to meet you in the middle. The more he can help you with the children the more likely you both can have your alone time later. If you and your husband are not getting along then your children can sense that. Trust me they are more intuitive then we would like to think. I am not saying that your children are not important but parents need time for themselves or how can they possible be healthy, happy parents. If your husband doesn't want to meet you in the middle as far helping out with the house and children then you have bigger problems than sex...
Thanks,
Tracy

[TAS]

Hi there

Well I know what you are saying and I agree that he should take a bigger role in the kids lives and I have voiced this before but nothing changed and I am getting sick of it. I grew up with a father who was never there only when he wanted someone to shout at and I am not going to put my kids through the same thing.

I am not doing all the giving anymore. I will work on me as I am the only person I can change.

I have know that sex is not the only problem in our relationship for a while and I thought if I could fix that part it would help with everything alse, but I can't be what he wants me to be as quick as he wants it.

I have a six year old daughter and 3 year old son, the other day my daughter asked me "why does daddy hate me". I was so scared and upset as I can remember thinking the same thing when I was young.

[marinewife21]

sex drive mismatch

It is my understanding that so many things can affect the sex drives of men and women in relationship. My fiancee wants sex every day...sometimes twice a day. In the beginning I could keep up with that but now I just can't get that turned on. I also am experiencing a lot of pain, not in my stomach or abdomen, but during penetration. I thought for a while that it was all me and that's what I seem to be reading a lot in everyone's posts. I've tried libido pills, changing birth controls, talking about it and lubricant and still nothing. I think sometimes we women feel pressured to have sex because it is such an important part of the relationship. We don't want our men going elsewhere and we want to make them happy, sometimes at our own expense. Perhaps we should try open communication as a way of effectively eliminating problems during sex.