[Youngman1]

It gets me mad when someone tells me how to feel. I feel this way and I've asked for advice. Not to be told not to feel a certain way about what I went through.

The fact is this thing happened and it's not about being comfortable with talking about sex, it's about the fact that when I sleep I expect not to be woken up to have someone playing with themselves. I felt the same way in camp when boys above me masturbated around me. I do think it's wrong to do that to someone, to have them wake up and either have to choice to be part of this cover up or to confront it--and then once they confront it, to lie.

[Youngman1]

Hopeless Dork, thanks for your honesty and advice I really appreciate it. I think our relationship has been better, sexually speaking. I am trying to address this.

I'm just very frustrated, because I feel some double standard is being held. If she found me, she would confront me to the point where I would tell her. And she would not be happy.

I had sex with her that one time, but frankly, it doesn't turn me on. It makes me feel awful. I had sex with her because it was that or having to hear her do this thing which she can't even talk about her. And it's funny, just the other week, I said, "Tell me. Oh, come on, when's the last time you did it? Huh? Come on." About masturbation, I mean. And she took it as a joke, but then shut the conversation down.

Then as she was getting on her bus to go to the airport, she said, "Well, things have been weird between us for a while. A month. I haven't felt that close to you." And it hasn't since I can't come over since her roommates don't want me there all the time. So our sex life has suffered and I live in an awful place that she hates coming to.

Okay, all this needs addressing. And I'm trying.

But now I have to tip toe around this? Tip toe around this like she's some troubled teenage kid I don't want to push away? I mean, no one would give me that sort of treatment. So why should I give it to her? You know? I would be asked, flat out, did your and when I said yes, there would be all breaking loose. Yet, so I've got to find a way to integrate this, because she's embarrassed?

[Hopeless Dork]

I've masturbated when my guy was asleep before and it wasn't sneaky I told him about it later. We were both out having a good time, he got me all worked up several times that night but ended up drinking a lot and falling asleep shortly after we got home... I helped myself. Which is not unusual, as I help myself in front of him as well. But thats just how we operate and not everyone obviously does.

I didn't mean its okay for her to lie to you, I said it isn't unusual for people to lie about it, especially if they are shy about discussing things of a sexual nature.

[Mes T]

I'm not sure who you were addressing but I don't think any of us are meaning to tell you how to feel... We're just giving our opinions on the situation.

I definitely think that if this makes you upset, you have every right to acknowledge those feelings and not hide them. You have a reason to feel the way you do, and it's no one's place to demean it in any way.

I'm not sure what to tell you if masturbation isn't part of your vocabulary... Communication is key, and talking about it directly IS the best option in most cases...!

[Hopeless Dork]

I mean me masturbating isn't unusual , me doing it when he is asleep is VERY rare and really I can only think of that time as being the only time I ever did that. Its not typical that he falls asleep when I am excited lol. I touch him when he's asleep sometimes but I've gotten the approval that he is completely okay with that in advance and its not done because I'm a perv just I've on a rare occasion wanted to assist him in waking up to nice feelings lol :P

[Youngman1]

I'm not trying to get mad at anyone. I mean that. I'm sorry if I did.

I'm just very confused. I'm a pretty open person, but it just came as a shock. She's asked me if I do it, and I tell her. But it's a shock, because she's not open about talking about it herself. Wouldn't even joke with me several weeks ago when I kidded her about how often she did it. Well, I guess I know the answer: every time I close my eyes and seem to be asleep.

"Did you see me," she said, "Or did you just feel like I was." She made me go through technical questions, things I couldn't exactly say to her face because I'd just been lied to straight up, that by the end she had moved the conversation, adeptly, because that's how she works, into a conversation about our relationship in general. Now the relationship talk needs to happen, and will. But it's like I suddenly had to feel guilty for this thing she was doing, because all these other reasons.

I will talk, and I'm not really angry after reading all these, but I still feel weird. Also the fact that (if you read my other post) the friend was masturbating in a twin between, oh, two feet away. So I feel like every time I close my eyes the women of the world must just go at it.

And it's funny I get out of bed to read a book and my gf wakes up and says she sad, I'm not next to her. If I got of bed to masturbate, I wonder how shocked and hurt she would be....and if I was several inches from her, well, she would never be able to forgive me.

[jns]

The gf probably likes to fantasize about her bf when masturbating, possibly getting into the fantasy so much she shuts out most of the external world. But she probably starts the fantasy by physically being in contact with the bf. She could even start from a dream state similar to a wet dream. That is why she is sad if he is away. If she was to orgasm many times before sleeping, I doubt she would "wake up" to masturbate.

[MissMeSha810]

Sorry, for a while I wouldn't admit it. My husband had to learn not to question me about it, just join in!!!

[stressed]

Maybe she's lacking something she's afraid of telling you about and masturbates instead.

[Youngman1]

Sorry?

(edit)
Your husband had to learn to deal with it or join in. When you share a bed with someone you need to have respect for the person who is sleeping next to you, for his or her limitations or rules. When you sleep next to someone you shouldn't be doing something you would be embarrassed of, or would make the other person embarrassed. Frankly, it is duplicitous. And I'm beginning to see why there are so many unhappy marriages in this country and probably all around the world. Perhaps man and woman were not meant to spend their lives together.