[Youngman1]

Please someone...

Please someone address this post as honestly and with as much humility and understanding as you can. I'm confused and ask for your help. And I thank you for your thoughts in advance.

I guess I will always think masturbating while someone is around, secretly, is sort of weird, if not just wrong. It's one thing if you know about it. Maybe that's a limitation I have, but it comes from a place that is real. I think it is also because I think I really do honor openness. If your partner is aware of it, that you do it, that's fine.

Someone asked, if it would be better if she did it in the bathroom. I would say--well, if she's going to do it secretly. Yes. If she has to do it when I'm around, yes. But I would prefer she not do it at all when I'm there. And I know she would prefer I not do it when I'm with her.

If you want something to remain a secret then keep it that way and don't do it in close proximity of a person. But I don't like secrets of this nature. At the same time, I'm confused because I've never, never masturbated when any girl was in my presence. Now have I done it when I'm alone. Yes. Without guilt. Yes. Do I think it's healthy? Yes. Do women do it? Obviously. But, if it is a solitary thing, then it must be kept so. And it must not be used as a passive way of getting some point across. Is any one in agreement here?

I guess, I just feel that, even if I were highly aroused and I was next to someone I would never do this. Never. I just don't believe in doing things that would embarrass anyone if they were to wake up. I'm very disturbed still, no one has really addressed this. I hope someone will.

Someone has got to address the fact that, I think there is a bit of a double standard here. That most women would never tolerate a man whacking off beside them while they sleep.

I mean I would prefer a woman wake me up if she wanted to have sex, instead of do something like this. And if she was doing it just for herself, then do it for herself, by herself. Does that make sense?

[Youngman1]

I really hope so. I want to. I want to be more open with her and have a better relationship. I'm dying for it.

[Mes T]

I don't know what most people's opinions on the subject are... But, I think your girlfriend would never have done that if she had known how strongly you feel about it.

In any case, I think her masturbating is a "symptom" if you will of whatever might be going on in your relationship/sex life, so I think focusing on the bigger picture would be most useful.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I guess, I just feel that, even if I were highly aroused and I was next to someone I would never do this. Never. I just don't believe in doing things that would embarrass anyone if they were to wake up. I'm very disturbed still, no one has really addressed this. I hope someone will.

Someone has got to address the fact that, I think there is a bit of a double standard here. That most women would never tolerate a man whacking off beside them while they sleep.

I mean I would prefer a woman wake me up if she wanted to have sex, instead of do something like this. And if she was doing it just for herself, then do it for herself, by herself. Does that make sense?

Yes it makes sense..

Anger in check Let's talk....

If I was aroused, I would put my arm on my man, see how asleep he was, touch him, see if he woke up.. And, if not, then I may be very cheeky and wake him up if you know what I mean.

However, this is what I see okay... Can you two actually have sex in that room without other people there? From what I am gathering, you both are not able to have sex at the moment whether it's at your house or hers...people are there.

You both need to therefore, work out how can you work this? Where else can you go where it's still loving, giving, where you have your wish "loving her, making love to her not sex"....but what you crave.

She may be conservative, but she still may be and I think is, sexual, that's okay, I don't think you mind that if it's with you, with love, intimate and giving and exploring and as you say communicating being open.

But, she and you can't have sex at the moment un-disturbed from what I can gather, free.... I can not believe some other girl can come into the room to sleep and masterbate knowing you are both there, that would have had to be un-comfortable and also non-concern if you heard or not, obviously you did, for that I can't explain.. I certainly wouldn't.. I would as you probably expect of a woman do it in the shower, somewhere else in-other-words.

But, she, your lady, has stated she thinks she is asleep but what if? What, if, she is sexually attracted to you like she says and in love like she says, but needs to express that with you, to you..." but is that enough?" Like she says, she needs to be intimate, she has been, is but can't... So meaning, whilst she feels all of those emotions she can't act on them..

Did you know that most times, women who masterbate and "most do", actually think about the person they love? Or if they have no one, a past person they loved, or a fantasy... They don't do it and think of nothing in other words.

So, it's more than likely that she's frustrated. Does that make sense? As frustrated as you are... You both love each other, can't be loving, intimate, and have to live the way your living which isn't working.

So, take the masterbation out just for a minute... Just for a minute...sex isn't the only thing that gets a woman through.. Hugs, touches, words, cuddles, kisses do as well, outside of those homes, in romantic places, telling her how beautiful she is and how you love her... It's not the answer but it's a start.... and I am sure you do this but I'm suggesting that you focus and do it even more.

If she is conservative, would she be adventurous? So in other words make love to you somewhere else? Somewhere that is safe? But is special because you were able to kiss her thighs and love her.

I think so badly you both want to be intimate and love and there is a fear that it will disappear especially from her side if she is saying, " is that enough", and certainly from your side... If I can say, a man doesn't feel like a man if a woman is masterbating next to him and not asking him for "him"... or touching him... I think maybe that's the reason you hate it so much....

I love my man masterbating in front of me, but if he chose to do it instead of me, I would be upset, I would be wondering what is wrong with me.

Is that how your feeling?

You both want to love.

You both want to express that.

You both see it's not "sex" and don't want "sex" and by the way I commend you for that, despite your thoughts.

So, if not in the houses you both have, how can you solve this? Can one person move? Can you share somewhere else, as Mes said, it's the "symptom" non intimacy that's creating this problem...

CW

[stressed]

I sense that your problem is that you feel she doesn't want to include you in her orgasm when she masturbates next to you? That you feel "if she's turned on, then why doesn't she wake me up instead, am I not good enough"?

Am I wrong?

Could it also be that the thought of you being "found out" masturbating scares you to death and would find it the most humiliating experience in your life? Have you ever been caught masturbating by someone in the past? You seem to be very protective about masturbation and expect your girl to have the same views, when she doesn't seem to have them.

Have you considered being more open about it? Try it with your girlfriend, you both masturbate next to each other and see how it feels. It is nothing terrible, it can be sexy.

Just think about it.

[emptypea2001]

Give it a rest. Every woman I've been with masturbates, often next to me when they thought I was asleep. I was shocked at first but got used to it. What I learned, is that the more they masturbate, the more they want to have sex.

[pearlmz378]

Once, when I was on AF, my bf and I were making out. It was getting hot and heavy...but he couldn't go down on me. He all of a sudden asked me if I would be upset if he went into the bathroom to masturbate...I didn't answer him... I just went down on him and helped him out. maybe, when she's playing with herself, slowly join in with her?

[MissMeSha810]

Starting To Understand...

I'm starting to understand what it is that you are saying and please feel free to correct me if I am wrong.....In my eyes masturbating used to be a one man or one woman job. I think for a lot of us, it isn't anymore. Masturbating is now a part of our sexual interaction with our significant other or SO for short. Yes, I still do it on a solo but a majority of the time, it is with my husband. I don't think she was trying to keep it a secret if she did it right beside you.
On another note, There are many places you can get intimate besides home......For example: Your car on a late night in a park (beware the police), if affordable a motel room, or even in a park at night on a blanket. You could set the mood just about anywhere. But if you are serious about her and she is about you, and that seems to be the case after your last talk with her, then try getting a place together. That way you will be helping each other out of your uncomfortable living arrangements and can spend more time together.

[emptypea2001]

Ok, last post is right on. She probably secretly wants you to know she masturbates, but is angry that you demean her for it. She actually wants you to participate with her in it. I am male, and that is what I have been working on my wife to accept for years. We now have that; we both have incredible orgasms together and apart and there is no contempt - just acceptance and joy that we are open and can communicate with each other about a very private part of everyone's life. By the way, our sex together always includes masturbation and is the best sex of our lives.

[Faerunner]

I guess I will always think masturbating while someone is around, secretly, is sort of weird, if not just wrong. It's one thing if you know about it. Maybe that's a limitation I have, but it comes from a place that is real. I think it is also because I think I really do honor openness. If your partner is aware of it, that you do it, that's fine.

Someone asked, if it would be better if she did it in the bathroom. I would say--well, if she's going to do it secretly. Yes. If she has to do it when I'm around, yes. But I would prefer she not do it at all when I'm there. And I know she would prefer I not do it when I'm with her.

If you want something to remain a secret then keep it that way and don't do it in close proximity of a person. But I don't like secrets of this nature. At the same time, I'm confused because I've never, never masturbated when any girl was in my presence. Now have I done it when I'm alone. Yes. Without guilt. Yes. Do I think it's healthy? Yes. Do women do it? Obviously. But, if it is a solitary thing, then it must be kept so. And it must not be used as a passive way of getting some point across. Is any one in agreement here?

I guess, I just feel that, even if I were highly aroused and I was next to someone I would never do this. Never. I just don't believe in doing things that would embarrass anyone if they were to wake up. I'm very disturbed still, no one has really addressed this. I hope someone will.

Someone has got to address the fact that, I think there is a bit of a double standard here. That most women would never tolerate a man whacking off beside them while they sleep.

I mean I would prefer a woman wake me up if she wanted to have sex, instead of do something like this. And if she was doing it just for herself, then do it for herself, by herself. Does that make sense?

I definitely agree that no sexual act should be used as a way to simply get a point across. That's selfish and hurts everyone involved. If she's masturbating and -wanted- you to notice and "do something about it" (whether she thought it would turn you on, or whether she thought you'd take it as a message that she wanted to go somewhere more private with you next time), she needs to quit, or be open about it. However, I don't know if that's her reasoning. I think like others have said she is just as stressed and confused as you are by the housing arrangement and that the masturbation may be her only form of release right now.

Clearly she is nervous about things and so are you but I am so glad you are working through it and have talked to her! I think you are fine in your belief that you shouldn't be doing that kind of thing around others. It is not a belief many of us here hold (consider that you are on a forum where people come to open up and talk about their sex lives, and most of us are not quiet about it to begin with) but it is a legitimate feeling and you should not feel bad or confused about it. Just make sure your girlfriend understands and feels similarly, because she's the one you're sleeping with - not us!

If she is truly doing it in her sleep, maybe you could get her permission to wake her up when you notice it, so that you could sneak into the living room (assuming there's a common area in the house that you could go) and make love on the couch, or wherever else is most convenient, in a way that you both enjoy. I would hope for both your sakes' that she's not continuing to do this on purpose, and that she is simply embarrassed (just like you!) about the entire thing.