[Youngman1]

I think she is lacking something. I agree. Why else would she be doing it next to me? I know this and will address this. But is anyone reading what I'm writing, actually considering my concerns, which is how a person could do this to another person?

I'm very disturbed that no one finds this wrong, that while you're sleeping a person could do such a thing.

[stressed]

Okay, well:

I have done the same to my man in the following occasions:

- He turned me down and then went to sleep.
- He cared only for his own satisfaction, so of course I needed something too.
- When I was trying to wake him up so he would "take it from there" without success.

I have told him about it and he wasn't bothered. Although he says that if he were to do the same he'd feel strange about himself, but he doesn't mind if I need to do it and he's sleeping next to me.

Now, I think the major problem in this is her lies. The fact she says she doesn't do it and does it so often, when she also knows it bothers you without even explaining why she does it. I would be bothered too if my man did that 5 out of 10 times we went to bed. I'd feel inadequate and being lied to.

As for the schoolmates doing this, I would be annoyed too but wouldn't pay too much attention. I've heard a lot of things regarding groups of boys and masturbation so nothing really surprises me anymore.

I don't think it's 100% wrong for your partner to masturbate next to you once in how many weeks, but that is only if you are asleep and unavailable. Better have her masturbate next to you than rush to a computer screen and masturbate to some porn star. At least she does it next to you. But it becomes a problem when you obviously suffer by her behaviour and she is not interested in giving any kind of explanation but lies instead. And since you know that if you were to be doing the same she'd be upset, then it's only natural that you're fed up with it.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

[QUOTE]
Sorry, for a while I wouldn't admit it. My husband had to learn not to question me about it, just join in!!!

(edited)
What she is saying is that it's a matter of "choice" she choose to do it, didn't want to explain for what ever reason, and that's her choice and her husband realised she didn't wish to discuss it, and eventually he just joined in..

Yes, communication is important, however her husband and her are OK with it....

I had sex with her that one time, but frankly, it doesn't turn me on. It makes me feel awful. I had sex with her because it was that or having to hear her do this thing which she can't even talk about her. And it's funny, just the other week, I said, "Tell me. Oh, come on, when's the last time you did it? Huh? Come on." About masturbation, I mean. And she took it as a joke, but then shut the conversation down.

Then as she was getting on her bus to go to the airport, she said, "Well, things have been weird between us for a while. A month. I haven't felt that close to you." And it hasn't since I can't come over since her roommates don't want me there all the time. So our sex life has suffered and I live in an awful place that she hates coming to.

So, you only had sex with her because she masterbates and by having sex with her, she wouldn't have masterbated that time, next to you and that's why you did it? Off course there was no feelings in it, and it was just mechanical because you did it for a reason, not because you wanted to.

If your lady is saying things have been different and you have only had sex with her once in a month, is it not fair to say that she will masterbate to relieve herself? The fact that she "thinks" your sleeping, is when she is doing it, it's alot easier to do it laying down and to do it before we fall asleep.. So in , a , bed....

It gets me mad when someone tells me how to feel. I feel this way and I've asked for advice. Not to be told not to feel a certain way about what I went through.

This Forum? People do not "tell" but they try to work out what the problem is to "help" you and offer their opinions....

So, why are you not having sex with her? Do you love her?

When you share a bed with someone you need to have respect for the person who is sleeping next to you, for his or her limitations or rules.

I'm sorry I don't agree with "rules"... Perhaps "boundries" have you told her what your boundries are?

If, you don't like her masterbating next to you, if you don't like to have sex with her, if she feels things have been different with you the past month, if you only have had sex once to stop her masterbating next to you, do you think you are actually compatible? Or maybe this relationship is over.

CW

[ItsASecret]

And I hope the next person who responds, will not tell me that women need to masturbate. I know this.

Awesome at least you got that covered. Would you be just as angry if she got up while you were asleep and went into the bathroom lets say to do it? I mean your whole argument is about her being in the same bed as you and rubbing away, so what if the situation was changed?

A rule is simple a principle which governs conduct between people. A boundary is simply something that indicates the limits of something.

I am going to assume you talked to her about said rules and boundaries?

The fact is, I came to a woman’s forum hoping for help. Not just sympathy, but to learn. (edit)

Coming to a woman's forum means you are going to get a lot of female respondents, some of whom may fully admit to partaking in the same diddle fun next to their sleeping SO due to a variety of reasons...there is going to be a clear bias in those particular cases so it makes sense that some women see no reason to sympathize but to explain the why's....to help you learn just like you asked.

I hope he or she will address the rules and boundaries of being in a relationship, what it means to be respectful

I was under the assumption that every relationship has different 'rules' and 'boundaries', making it all subjective.

[MissMeSha810]

(edit)
Your husband had to learn to deal with it or join in. When you share a bed with someone you need to have respect for the person who is sleeping next to you, for his or her limitations or rules. When you sleep next to someone you shouldn't be doing something you would be embarrassed of, or would make the other person embarrassed. Frankly, it is duplicitous. And I'm beginning to see why there are so many unhappy marriages in this country and probably all around the world. Perhaps man and woman were not meant to spend their lives together.

I hadn't been back to this thread until today. Please allow me to elaborate on my personal situation so that you may fully understand. I was not implying that my husband, you or any other male should have to deal with what us women are dishing out. My husband enjoys that kind of thing and I was just throwing my two cents into the mix. That was my mistake for not taking the opportunity to thoroughly thumb through the entire thread and see how disturbed you were about your issue. For that, I apologize. On the other hand, we're listening, very carefully at that, so carefully that I find this woman to be one who is very sexual in nature and seems to be embarrassed or afraid to show that side of herself with you. Why? That question is one that you need to ask yourself. Are you at that same level of sexuality as she or are you a little on the conservative side? Are you disturbed with her behavior because she is disturbing your sleep or is it you who is embarrassed or afraid to watch your woman express her sexual side to you? She may want you to join her and you won't, instead you bring up a subject she would rather not discuss. Take it for what it's worth because that's some honesty for you. Either give in to her sexual fantasies in the middle of the night or find someone who is more conservative such as yourself. I hope that I have helped in some form or fashion, that you have not been critisized or made you feel like you are being picked on. If so that was never my initial intent.

[MissMeSha810]

Misspelling

CRITICIZED or CRITIQUED.....My time limit expired!!! lol

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Chandlers

"So, why are you not having sex with her? Do you love her?"

Youngman1 (extracted from post deleted for members)

Okay, I'll come off my anger and give you the real answer. We haven't been having sex because I live in a pit, with awful people, and she hates it. And we were having pretty good/sometimes great sex at her apartment but then her roommates said I was there too much and everything just sort of toppled to the ground because we can’t find a place to be together. So that's the reason.

THank you... But do you love her?

I think she is lacking something. I agree. Why else would she be doing it next to me? I know this and will address this. But is anyone reading what I'm writing, actually considering my concerns, which is how a person could do this to another person?

I'm very disturbed that no one finds this wrong, that while you're sleeping a person could do such a thing.

Seems your issue is that she is doing it next to you......

Let me ask you something... Do you think maybe she is trying to turn you on? Make you want to have sex with her? You say that sex isn't happening now, due to room mates etc....

You say something is missing... maybe it's sex.

CW

[Youngman1]

Okay

Thank all of you for responding, and I'm sorry if I sounded mad. I am going back and forth on this. And I really do thank all of you. I'm sorry if I went on the attack a bit--I am in a crazy place at the moment I guess.

I really do love her. Love is not very fun all the time. I want to make this work and I know I have to do things to make that happen. I do think we need to improve our sex life and I just talked to her and I said this, that we need to start being more sexual, being more open about everything, talk more about sex. Let go more, you know. Give ourselves the permission, so to speak, to be sexual, to whisper things to each other ear's when we're not in a room with a bed, but in a park, in a restaurant.... I told her a lot of my apprehension about sex was the fact that it wasn't fun when we did it just because we finally had a room and a bed. I told her I wanted to feel it building. I get that sometimes, but we go back and forth--either we're so hot, you know, or we're more best friends and it's hard for those worlds to converge.

I think we are both conservative in certain ways. She is more so, I would say, but I have my limitations. I just spoke with her and I got mad and she got mad and she was hurt and I was hurt and then she told me some things, not about the incident, but other things she was thinking and feeling, what she felt was missing. She said, I love you and I'm attracted to you but is that enough?

And then, ladies, as I believe most of you are ladies, I decided, instead of fighting and making her feel guilty or hurting her or getting hurt I would simply tell her all the things I wanted to changed, what I wanted to do to her, how I wanted to talk more, how I wanted to be more open, how I want to (well I won't give you details)....

And it felt so good to tell her those things and now I can't wait to see her and she said now she is going crazy.

SO I think that all this will lead to us working on something that needs work.

She says she does not know she is doing this? It must be while she's sleeping. I've only witnessed it recently and it's been the worst sex in our history. Honestly. I don't know, but I can't do anything about that. Strangely, my focus is not on that at the moment, but making things better otherwise. If it keeps going on, there will be a big row, I'll tell you that? But I'm not thinking about that. Right now I'm just thinking about having her back and taking her clothes off slowly, working up her leg with my mouth....

Still confused, but at least not I don't feel like I'm going to lose the one thing I have that I love.

[Youngman1]

Chandler's Wish

I'm sorry if I came off as mean and terrible. Really. And thank you for your time. I hope you'll accept my apology. It is real.

[Mes T]

Youngman sounds like you are on the road to rekindling your relationship and making it better than EVER.