[WildChild]

Yeah, true. I'm willing to compromise, for sure. I'm not one to have to have sex everyday. I get just as tired and stressed and there are times when I'm not into it at all. So I feel like we can meet in the middle. But you're right, he sees it as 'my problem'. (He's even said that. Not in a mean way, but he has said it.)

How are you going to compromise? How do you balance wants no sex, with wants it? Where is the "middle" of that? If having a normal, healthy desire for sex and intimacy is your "problem" how do you find a middle ground on that with some one who doesn't want Any?

I'm dealing with it too. Except he wants it, but only with himself. Increasingly I seeing it as a control issue, at some level he fears that the emotional connection will lead him to surrender himself and thereby lose himself. I'm not ready to say f- it and walk yet and I'm moving forward in other areas but I know at some point I'll have to face this head on and make some tough choices. He knows it too.

At some point we have to act, rather than waiting for something to just happen.

[Greydog72]

I don't know WildChild,

I do think there is some middle ground....But I think that both partners have to agree to play fair and communicate. I think that's also where the biggest problem is too. It's not always going to be 50-50, but in order for a see-saw to work correctly, you are going to have your high points...Take, take, take, take, and your low points...Give, give, give, give. When two people play correctly...the ups and downs are wonderful. It's the one that cant give away control and stays down at the bottom of the tee-ter-ta-totter...You don't know what they are going to do...jump off and hurt you or keep you dangling.

[WildChild]

Greydog I would agree there could be a middle ground if they wanted differing levels of sex, if she wants it daily, he wants once a week. But he has stated that he doesn't want any. Really, who wants sex with someone who is only doing it to make the other happy? Better get a toy or just use your those little fingers.

It's possible that he is just sort some stuff out and once he sees that she is there for him and loving even without the sex, he may come back round - or not. I've been waiting over a year and a half for a man to sort it out. I've had dreams where my dying words were, "It would have been nice to have been loved." One question I think many of us are dealing with is, how long? How much do you give? When do you give up?

[Hopeless Dork]

Could it be that he is in the midst of depression? Losing the job, the hurt shoulder, dwelling on the past, feelings of hopeless about having a healthy sex life... etc

What he is asking of you, what he is wanting for himself don't seem like the rational thoughts of a healthy young man.

He's willing to be with a woman he just ok'd to have sex with other man as long as she keeps him dellusioned that he's the only one , despite the fact he's never sexual with her.

That sounds like a really low place he is in right now. Is he drinking or taking any drugs that you are aware of? Are there any signs that there could be someone else in the picture?

Unless he has a hormone problem, his body is going to biologically need some sort of sexual satisfaction obviously. Him not wanting to express that part of himself with you, is him taking about 50% of himself and locking it in a box and saying -- you can't have this part of me... only this other half.

And that other half does sound awesome, the friendship part of the relationship. But any relationship between a couple minus intimacy is just a friendship. If he's not sexual with you he may as well be a girl, or a gay guy, or a brother, or some guy you have no interests in beyond friendship.

You are such a beautiful, fit, smart, funny, loving and SEXUAL woman. I understand why you can't walk away from the man you love , its another strong character trait you have : Loyalty. But if he is saying its going to be this way from now on out... you have to keep your eyes and your options open to letting some other man sweep you off your feet.

And when one does... you'll need to let go of this guy. It would be HORRIBLE for you to see someone else only sexually then come home to your 'boyfriend' and have to pretend all is well. Your not a deceitful person and even if he is saying thats okay... I don't feel its something you'd be okay with.

Right now you have yourself a roomate, a roomate you are in love with. But he can't give you all of himself... and i think you know in your heart that what he is offering... a non sexual relationship... will never be enough.

Its going to rip at your self-esteem possibly, if it hasn't already. Theres a chance that you can let yourself become an asexual person and when you guys finally split you will have a harder time connecting to man that wants all of you... it will be a vicious cycle.

He has laid the groundwork to induce anxiety in any future relationships you have that what seems awesome can fall apart in one coversation and I hope that you don't let it happen that way.

Let some of the initial shock wear off. Come back and read your post skipping your name like it was some other woman that wrote it. Write the honest advice you would give to a woman that wrote what you did and try to take it to heart yourself.

Sometimes we want better for our friends, even strangers we don't know ... than we think we ourselves deserve.

[WildChild]

Sometimes we want better for our friends, even strangers we don't know ... than we think we ourselves deserve.

So true

[Greydog72]

I guess I'm a hopeless romantic...

It's hard for me to give up...And I don't think I'm giving up now. We are at different levels...I could make love everyday and multiple times, but she is only willing to give and average of twice a month for the last 2 yrs.. Do I think we have a chance, yes. Yet, I know that I have to move on after all my avenue have been passed. They are human and I have come to realize that I'm only able to change myself and my needs. Do I compromise to keep the relationship or move on. 10 yrs. ago I compromised...Now, I think I need to move on. But that's my personal being. I would stay longer if she would make a conscious decision to suggestions. If she comes back this weekend and says, That's who I am and live with it or something to that sense...Then, I think I will make my next step. I have to give hope a chance...but that's me. Everyone is different and everyone has to make their own decision on when enough is enough. A year ago Febrary 2nd was my cut-off date...It has past and it still took me over a month to confront her...but I finally did. I'm just learning to walk again. The answers aren't in the wind, their in your head...you just need to search your feelings to find them. Remember, with this separation, which I dream it doesn't happen, I'm leaving more then a ex-lover...I'm leaving my dreams of having a whole family. All my decisions are based on my children's future and I no longer think that it benefits them to see me miserable...

[sourpuss]

Could it be that he is in the midst of depression? Losing the job, the hurt shoulder, dwelling on the past, feelings of hopeless about having a healthy sex life... etc

That's exactly what is going on. He's admitted is several times and he's worried about it. At the very least, he recognizes it and is trying to keep himself busy doing things we enjoy and trying not to slip into it any further.

That sounds like a really low place he is in right now. Is he drinking or taking any drugs that you are aware of? Are there any signs that there could be someone else in the picture?

He doesn't drink or take drugs and he spends all his time with me, so there's no possibility of anyone else.

Unless he has a hormone problem, his body is going to biologically need some sort of sexual satisfaction obviously. Him not wanting to express that part of himself with you, is him taking about 50% of himself and locking it in a box and saying -- you can't have this part of me... only this other half.

And that other half does sound awesome, the friendship part of the relationship. But any relationship between a couple minus intimacy is just a friendship. If he's not sexual with you he may as well be a girl, or a gay guy, or a brother, or some guy you have no interests in beyond friendship.

You are such a beautiful, fit, smart, funny, loving and SEXUAL woman. I understand why you can't walk away from the man you love , its another strong character trait you have : Loyalty. But if he is saying its going to be this way from now on out... you have to keep your eyes and your options open to letting some other man sweep you off your feet.

And when one does... you'll need to let go of this guy. It would be HORRIBLE for you to see someone else only sexually then come home to your 'boyfriend' and have to pretend all is well. Your not a deceitful person and even if he is saying thats okay... I don't feel its something you'd be okay with.

I could never do that. It's just not my personality. But I am aware that I have to be open to meeting someone else if it comes to that.

Right now you have yourself a roomate, a roomate you are in love with. But he can't give you all of himself... and i think you know in your heart that what he is offering... a non sexual relationship... will never be enough.

Its going to rip at your self-esteem possibly, if it hasn't already. Theres a chance that you can let yourself become an asexual person and when you guys finally split you will have a harder time connecting to man that wants all of you... it will be a vicious cycle.

He has laid the groundwork to induce anxiety in any future relationships you have that what seems awesome can fall apart in one coversation and I hope that you don't let it happen that way.

Let some of the initial shock wear off. Come back and read your post skipping your name like it was some other woman that wrote it. Write the honest advice you would give to a woman that wrote what you did and try to take it to heart yourself.

Sometimes we want better for our friends, even strangers we don't know ... than we think we ourselves deserve.

It's definitely effected my self esteem, big time. I want to be with someone who is just excited about me as I am about them. Who doesn't want their boyfriend to desire them, right? But I feel like he's just not attracted to me, not turned on by me, nothing. I have to keep in mind that it's not me, it's him. He doesn't watch porn or look at it on the computer, that much I know. We're always here together and he rarely uses the computer and when he does it's usually just to check his email, every few days. He doesn't have the time or opportunity even if he wanted to. We're going, going, going everyday until about 10 at night and then we just lay in bed and watch TV for an hour before going to sleep.

This time of year, where we live is really hard. It's been cold and cloudy for the last 6 months and we have almost 2 more months of winter/rain/cold. Pretty much everyone here suffers from S.A.D., and add to that being laid off and being injured. I can see why he's bummed. My thoughts at this point were to wait out the spring and see if things get better in the summer when it's nice outside and he's back at work. I think that will make a lot of difference in his mental health. I suppose after he's feeling better mentally and emotionally, then I'll know if that was the root of the problem or if he's just not into me like that.

But he's said over and over again that if he didn't want me to be his girlfriend, then he wouldn't be here and we'd just be friends. But it's hard to take someone's word on that when there's no physical affirmation.

[WildChild]

Can he get in to get his hormones levels checked?
Get him taking Vit D3 to help with the SADD - it does make a big difference for me

[sourpuss]

Can he get in to get his hormones levels checked?
Get him taking Vit D3 to help with the SADD - it does make a big difference for me

I do think his hormones are off. He doesn't eat nearly enough for how active we are. I've been wanting to bring it up but I'm afraid to add insult to injury given everything else that is going on. Neither of us have health insurance either.
He does take a multi-vitamin, protein supplements, joint stuff, digestive enzymes, etc. But I will suggest the vitamin D. I know everyone in this area is really lacking it.

[stressed]

Take a look at it from the outside:

There's a man who starts a relationship with a woman who enjoys and wants sex, he gives her sex for some time, he knows she likes it, he knows it's normal and expected, and then one day he tells her he doesn't want it anymore. This is deceiving. Instead of saying so from the start he led you into believing that you're going to have a normal sex life with him when you're not. And now you have a problem that's "yours" as he is satisfied with nothing.

This is as bad as him suddenly revealing he's gay. The only reason you wouldn't want a gay boyfriend is the sex. Otherwise, there are wonderful gay men out there who would make perfect husbands.

I'm afraid that 10+ years of bad sexual experiences are not going to go away without serious counseling and a lot of work from both of you. If he has any interest in changing that is. Because he seems to have forgotten what it means to have a normal sex life and he has settled with what he has. He even told you he'd understand if you'd have sex with other men, which shows how much he has accepted this situation. It takes A LOT for a man to say this and mean it. He has accepted defeat.

This won't be easy.