[Ashlee T.]

It really is a two way street. This isn't just a problem with women. This is an illusion caused by gender inequality.

I wasn't insinuating that. Sure, men have their own set of issues when it comes to sex. We see that alot here. It was just something that crossed my mind after reading another post from a frustrated woman who couldn't achieve orgasm with her guy. LOTS of women can't achieve orgasm, and I wonder if this directly affects their desire for sex. At the same time, I wonder if men suffered from this same problem (couldn't "get off" during sex), how would they feel/react? Would they still want to have sex as much? Etc. Is there a direct link to ability to "get off" and sex drive/desire?

[Hopeless Dork]

However, another problem is men are not mind readers, and can't be born with the knowledge of what makes their girl feel good. A LOT of women never help a guy figure out what she likes. Instead she lies on her back and waits for him to give her one, but gets upset if he cant.

I completely agree. I've had friends complain about guys that can't make them come that have never masturbated, have never felt an orgasm but expect that a guy can just magically figure it out for them.

I feel for the women that are in relationships with men that just don't care, that don't really want to put the time and effort in to learn their s.o's body and what she likes but when you have a good loving man that is eager to please, communication can make the world of difference in how much more pleasurable it can be.

What feels good to one woman can be painful to another and what what one woman is too sensitive to another may need that very sensation in order to orgasm. So poor guys even if they are able to knock the socks off their last gf each new one is like starting over from scratch. And its truly up to the woman to give cues and specifics for what works for her and give him time and practice to figure out how to best please her.

When my boyfriend rubs my gspot in a certain way I orgasm in about a minute flat... but it wasn't always like that. Before he would rub it, but too gently for me to come. I simply told him that he doesn't have to be delicate there... he can rub like hes trying to push to the other side haha. He was surprised I wanted it so hard but once he knew I did, he began doing what I liked and wallah.... sexual bliss for me.

If I never would have said, he never would have known. Sex would still have been pleasurable but now its spectacularly pleasurable and all it took was a saying one sentence.

[Hopeless Dork]

I wasn't insinuating that. Sure, men have their own set of issues when it comes to sex. We see that alot here. It was just something that crossed my mind after reading another post from a frustrated woman who couldn't achieve orgasm with her guy. LOTS of women can't achieve orgasm, and I wonder if this directly affects their desire for sex. At the same time, I wonder if men suffered from this same problem (couldn't "get off" during sex), how would they feel/react? Would they still want to have sex as much? Etc. Is there a direct link to ability to "get off" and sex drive/desire?

I think that sex that provides no pleasure for a person, be it they don't orgasm, they don't like what their partner is doing, or their partner isn't trying or paying them enough attention during the act... it could turn a person away from wanting to participate in it. For sure.

But I don't think lack of an orgasm alone would turn a persons drive away... I would imagine it may even do the opposite as they would be in a state of wanting and keep wanting to try it.

But if they just don't enjoy the sex at all, yeah I can see a drive dwlindling because of that.

Look at all the guys that pull out for their orgasm. They don't reach an orgasm during the intercourse, but after. It doesn't stop them from wanting to enjoy the pleasure that comes before it... or the pleasure they get from giving pleasure to their S.O.

I think its more about connection and how into each other a couple is. If one feels used and isn't getting an orgasm.. they don't get intimacy from the sex , they don't get an orgasm... its kind of why bother.

But if they are getting one or the other, orgasm or not its still a hot and close couples activity that I think wouldn't kill a drive, or shouldn't.

[WildChild]

.
However, another problem is men are not mind readers, and can't be born with the knowledge of what makes their girl feel good. A LOT of women never help a guy figure out what she likes. Instead she lies on her back and waits for him to give her one, but gets upset if he cant.

A lot of men don't want to hear, aren't interested in knowing. Just as when a man has a lower sex drive than the woman in his life, they certainly aren't going to admit it to another man.

And women most certainly do need to be aroused to have sex comfortably or to be able to enjoy it - rapists don't care about that but other men should.

[jns]

Sometimes it is said that everybody is different, so you cannot use the same methods on the next one to get them to climax as you did on the current one. Granted, guys and gals are different, so at least two sets of instructions would be needed. I am curious if an algorithm or several algorithms can be created that would cover the vast majority of women as far as instructions on how to lead them to orgasm. The same for men using oral.

[vikingfan23]

Yes I agree, reaching orgasm for women is a mental & physical thing. The woman has to be really comfortable with herself and her partner and the act of sex itself. I have several friends who can't reach orgasm thru vaginal intercourse only clitoral stimulation. I can't even imagine that! I am one of the lucky few who can orgasm thru vaginal and multiple times. It definitely is a mind set though, cause if I'm not in it with my mind I may only cum once, but if i'm really thinking about him, how he feels, how he feels and looks sliding in and out of me....boom boom boom I'll come like 4 times one right after the other. Just think if men could do that, no refractory period, they cum and boom instant erection again. Hmmm there would be alot of smiling happy women walking or should I say waddling around. LOL

[Texasred]

I get off on pleasing my boyfriend about as much as I get off from my own orgasm...

But if he never offered me an experience that focused on my pleasure, like manually or orally pleasing me or caressing me while I masturbated, if he never cared about my orgasms ever... I think I would probably grow resentful of having sex that was soley for his ultimate pleasure and not mine.
..

Now if you were to reverse the genders in your statements, that would EXACTLY describe my experiences with my wife on those increasingly rare occasions when we did have sex.
She reaches orgasm very quickly, and just as quickly loses any interest whatsoever in continuing. She said, "I just don't want to do the 'Marathon sex' thing," and when asked, she informed me that "marathon sex" in her view is anything that lasts over about 15 minutes.

But I've since learned not all women feel that way...

[Texasred]

...Close your eyes and truly imagine yourself in an orgasmless relationship...one where you can have sex, but that sex never leads to ejaculation? What does that do to your sex drive with your partner? What does that do to your sexual desire for your partner?

Tell us, what do you think this type of world would be like for you?

I don't have to close my eyes, nor even to imagine it: I've lived it during a period when, for whatever reason, I seldom had orgasms. That did not at all keep me from wanting to enjoy the closeness, connectedness, and pure physical pleasure of having sex with my girlfriend. I loved her, loved being able to please her, and loved the feeling of having our bodies connected in that most intimate way, so we did it often and enthusiastically!

I didn't worry about the lack of orgasms - though it did bother her somewhat - and the problem eventually sorted itself out.

[Maximus]

The biggest misconception is maybe to assume that because men ejaculate that they enjoy what they are doing, let alone taking great pleasure from the intercourse.

Personally I value far more the closeness, the body and mind intimacy and especially to know that she is not withholding give more pleasure that the ejaculation is stronger and not simply because you are in place where your body can't hold it forerver lol

[Ashlee T.]

I don't have to close my eyes, nor even to imagine it: I've lived it during a period when, for whatever reason, I seldom had orgasms.

Very interesting perspective!! I don't consider myself a selfish lover at all, but truly when I've been going through times where I just couldn't "get off" time and time again, I found myself not craving sex like I did. It would be different if like HD said it happened 3 out of 10 times, but I'm talking every time. And as time passed with still no orgasms, I began to get tired of having sex every day, getting all hot and sweaty and tired, and getting no pleasure from it other than to pleasure my SO. While this is not a common problem for me, it seems that LOTS of women have orgasmless relationships/marriages.

The biggest misconception is maybe to assume that because men ejaculate that they enjoy what they are doing, let alone taking great pleasure from the intercourse.

Hmm. Interesting. So are you saying that ejaculation is not climax for men? Perhaps it is a misconception, but it seems that men masturbate to ejaculate just like women masturbate to have an orgasm. And taking love out of the equation entirely, most of the time, the purpose in a man having sex is to "get off" which I have always equated with ejaculation. Usually that is the time during sex that the man makes more noise, breaths harder, tightens up, and then once he ejaculates, he's done. I associate that with his climax. Are you saying that's not the case?