[Hopeless Dork]

Just to add by consessions I mean.. meet in the middle - not settle for what makes you unhappy.

I am a giver, its in my nature. But I am also a more needy person than some. I need reassurance, security, attention.


For me, sex = attention, it = reassurance that he finds me sexy and it = security that I am satisfying him. So even beyond my drive and own pleasure, sexual activity fills an emotional need in me.


We as women, men as men, individuals are individuals and they all , we all... have different needs, wants. In a relationship its important to figure out what each partner needs to feel happy and to try to accomadate that without, of course, compromising your own happiness.

For me, I ALWAYS, want to please my boyfriend. Always. If I have a headache, if I am tired, If I am stressed out... pleasing him makes anything bad I feel... feel better.

For him, he does not always need to be pleased. Most of the time but not always, soemtimes if he is tired, stressed, he'd rather just hold me.

I had to learn that in those times, he doesn't love me less, desire me less, its just his needs differed from mine in that way.

He had to learn that when he isn't in the mood for that kind of intimacy that I needed reassuarance in other ways, him being affectionate, telling me how he feels etc.

Before if we didn't have some sort of sex on any given day, I would feel bad. And now, I don't. But if it wasn't for our communication and learning to meet in the middle... I probably would have left feeling unwanted or he would have left feeling like he'd never make me happy... when neither of those things would have been true.


I think its far too common for couples to break up over a lack of communication/compromise and then move on to other relationships and find themselves back at square one because... everything worth having takes work. But that work should not be a pain, or a chore, but more of an exercise in growing closer, becoming a team.

[rcoreyus]

Wow, lots of posts in a short time on this thread, so I'm a bit behind the times here.

Does he get all the sex he wants? Maybe he has difficulty being interested in other forms of intimacy if he is feeling a lack of sex. The same way that a hungry person might wolf down a fine dinner rather then enjoying it.

It also sounds like your time together is limited - he may feel he needs to make the "best" use of that time by having sex - to him the most enjoyable and intimate thing he can do with you.

It is clear that for many people love, lust, sex, intimacy, passion are all associated with each other, but in different amounts to different people. "making love" implies that sex==love for some people.

[Ashlee T.]

Well, have you ever considered saying no? I know we like to be direct and talk about it, but maybe you should try a little more subtly, when he's rubbing your back and reaches around to fondle you, direct his hand to rub your stomach or your collar.

Yes.....well, I've done the subtle things. But I've always been told men don't pick up on "hints" well. Let me give you an example, one night when I was exhausted and really wanted to go to sleep, he asked if he could tuck me in to bed before he left. I said sure. Silly me, I thought he meant what he said. He started kissing me, I was fine with a kiss, but I knew what he wanted and I felt suffocated. I turned my head, then he started kissing my neck. Then he pulled the covers down off me, so I pulled them back up. He pulled them back down, then fondle fondle fondle. At that point, I would have had to say "Stop, I don't want to", which he would've taken as serious rejection. It should've been clear to ANYONE that I didn't want to, but he said "I thought you wanted it". Ummmm?

I think its far too common for couples to break up over a lack of communication/compromise and then move on to other relationships and find themselves back at square one because... everything worth having takes work

True. I've never been in one quite like this though. haha. And yeah, sex does = love for some people. If I believed thats what was the case for him, I might would feel differently. But when someone reacts to every form of affection in that way, it's hard not to just see them as horndog that looks at you and sees "SEX!"

Does he get all the sex he wants?

No, I'm sure he doesn't.

he may feel he needs to make the "best" use of that time by having sex - to him the most enjoyable and intimate thing he can do with you.

If that's so, I find it sad. Because going through the motions in the act of sex is not intimate to me. You can have sex with anyone. Men on a daily basis see women they are sexually attracted to. It's not like I'm "special" in that aspect because he wants to sleep with me. Sex is only intimate (to me) when you share INTIMACY with the person you're doing it with. Sex doesn't become intimate to me just because it's happening. And IF his perspective is that sex is the most enjoyable intimate thing he can share with me, then like I said, I find it sad. One day I'll be old, (hopefully) and I want to be with someone that's my best friend, that I share intimacy and emotional bond with....and I'd venture to guess that at some point in my life (and his), sex will not be top priority.........and if that's all we've ever had regarding intimacy, then where will our relationship be then?

[GlassDaemon]

Yes.....well, I've done the subtle things. But I've always been told men don't pick up on "hints" well. Let me give you an example, one night when I was exhausted and really wanted to go to sleep, he asked if he could tuck me in to bed before he left. I said sure. Silly me, I thought he meant what he said. He started kissing me, I was fine with a kiss, but I knew what he wanted and I felt suffocated. I turned my head, then he started kissing my neck. Then he pulled the covers down off me, so I pulled them back up. He pulled them back down, then fondle fondle fondle. At that point, I would have had to say "Stop, I don't want to", which he would've taken as serious rejection. It should've been clear to ANYONE that I didn't want to, but he said "I thought you wanted it". Ummmm?

Don't let it get that far then, when he starts kissing your neck, give him a little nudge and say "Not tonight, babe, I love you" Kind of . You don't need to push the hints fifty times, when it doesn't work the first two times, say something. Don't create a war out of it cause then you get the "playing hard to get" attitude.

If that's so, I find it sad. Because going through the motions in the act of sex is not intimate to me. You can have sex with anyone. Men on a daily basis see women they are sexually attracted to. It's not like I'm "special" in that aspect because he wants to sleep with me. Sex is only intimate (to me) when you share INTIMACY with the person you're doing it with. Sex doesn't become intimate to me just because it's happening. And IF his perspective is that sex is the most enjoyable intimate thing he can share with me, then like I said, I find it sad. One day I'll be old, (hopefully) and I want to be with someone that's my best friend, that I share intimacy and emotional bond with....and I'd venture to guess that at some point in my life (and his), sex will not be top priority.........and if that's all we've ever had regarding intimacy, then where will our relationship be then?

I want you to take this right here... and say it to him. Even saying you think it's sad, sometimes rough love is necessary.

[stressed]

To me it sounds as if he either has a much higher sex drive than yours, or that he sees it like sex = love = intimacy = we're both happy.

I don't know what you can do if it's the former, but if it's the latter then you can explain to him that he doesn't always have to show you his feelings through sex. That a cuddle can be enough.

However, and on a personal note, and maybe because I don't have sex as much as I'd want to with my SO, I don't find it wrong that the man who's in love with you and finds you attractive wants to have sex with you all the time. This stage doesn't last forever anyway, life gets in the way and sex slows down whether we want to or not, but I don't see anything bad in his behaviour. But as I said, I'm biased on the subject, and if it were up to me I'd have sex with my SO every day, many times a day. Not only for the intimacy or passion, but also because I find him attractive every time I look at him and some times it can be just because I want to be physical with him, not because it always has to be emotional and cuddly etc.

But like it has been said, we tend to want what we don't have. It's human nature.

[Ashlee T.]

This stage doesn't last forever anyway, life gets in the way and sex slows down whether we want to or not, but I don't see anything bad in his behaviour.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think he's "bad" for wanting sex. I just don't think that I should be expected to drop my drawers and have sex everytime he touches me and every time I try to show affection to him. Sometimes I want to have sex, and I show that. Sometimes I don't, and I show that too. Sometimes when I don't want to I pretend to, if I know he really wants to. Ya know...compromise. The thing for me is that I don't think the intimacy and closeness of your relationship should be based on sex. What if I go through a medical problem and can't have sex? What if he one day suffers from ED and can't have sex? Then if to him, sex = passion & intimacy, then where does that leave us? There has to be some established intimacy between two people OUTSIDE of sex. And you won't establish that intimacy if every form of physical contact means sex. IMO.

Glass - I'll try..... he just sees things SO differently and sometimes I end up feeling exhausted trying to explain to him why I feel the way I do. I feel bad rejecting him.

And call me crazy, but I don't sit around thinking "wow I'm so thankful that my boyfriend is sexually attracted to me". I don't, because if he wasn't attracted to me, why would I be with him? I also think it can be at the point where your SO is so physically attracted to you or perhaps so preoccupied with their own sexual satisfaction that they forget that you're an emotional spiritual being that needs to be "touched" on more than just a physical level.

[rcoreyus]

I think some people have such a problem with their SOs having no sexual interest in them that they don't really understand how it feels to receive too much interest. In a abstract sense I can understand the original poster, but I just can't imagine myself in that situation.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

sex equals love
sex equals intimacy
sex equals passion


Only a passionate person, one whom knows what the word means, has a form of passion for something or alot of things in life, can truly understand the word "passion"...

Passion in my opinion, brings out other aspects, sensuality, your senses, touches, the way in which you dedicate yourself to that passion, it brings out drive, wanting to succeed, a desire and hard work...

So, in my books, you have to be a passionate person.. In that, you gain all those senses, feelings, above and your able to be in-tune with those feelings, senses... and in that, you become intimate, about your passion and if you can look your partner in the eye, or look over at him/her and feel passion, you feel intimacy and then you feel sexual...

I've for a long time, tried to state that sex is sex, it means nothing other than a "feeling" of relief, yes there is also a closeness and for those whom are lonely, there is a feeling of emotion.. But those are different feelings to the feeling of passion aren't they?

So to me, sex = closeness, relief, some emotions, sexy, horny,

Passion = intimacy, deep emotions, a burning desire, craving to succeed, a want to be the best, a challenge to get it right, comfortability, bonding, loving....

That's my take and I'm sticking to it.

CW

[Ashlee T.]

So to me, sex = closeness, relief, some emotions, sexy, horny,

Passion = intimacy, deep emotions, a burning desire, craving to succeed, a want to be the best, a challenge to get it right, comfortability, bonding, loving....

RIGHT on. It's the passion I want. Anyone can have sex. He can have sex with LOTS of girls. But he can't have passion, love, deep emotion, burning desire, comfortability, bonding etc with LOTS of girls. Same for me. I can have sex with anyone who's willing. But I won't have that BOND with just anyone, that passion. They are two VERY different things to me. And I can't feel that passion when the goal for everything is sex.

I think some people have such a problem with their SOs having no sexual interest in them that they don't really understand how it feels to receive too much interest. In a abstract sense I can understand the original poster, but I just can't imagine myself in that situation.

I get that. But please understand that I'm not complaining that he wants to have sex with me. I'm saying that if every time I'm affectionate with him or vice versa he intends it to turn into sex, then we really miss out on some special moments of intimacy and in turn, I end up feeling like I'm constantly someones sexual satisfaction. Sometimes being fondled gets old, believe it or not. Sometimes you just want someone to see you for much more than that. And sometimes you just want someone to want YOU for much more than that.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Soooooooo...... does he have a passion for anything in life?

You do, you've stated a few in this thread, which means your a passionate person

If he does, home in on that and describe to him the way in which he is passionate about that particular thing/job/hobby/sport and all that entails in it...

Then describe something he despises, and how he will go with the flow, not care, not feel for it..

Then he may get the picture that sex is sex, and passion is passion and the difference of both of those experiences.

CW