[Shiny]

My wife and I have been married 9 years and together for 15.

Whenever we have sex she is not into foreplay and just wants to "get into it" and get it done quickly. Often I would like to start with some touching and rubbing etc but she has never let me. If I gently rub or lick her nipples she stops me after a few seconds because "it tickles too much"

She rarely lets me touch anywhere near her genitals except for a few seconds if I am lucky. That also tickles or is because she says "I'm not comfortable" or "it is yuck". After talking about this "uncomfortable" means either of two things. Either I am physically making her uncomfortable in a sensitive area because of my technique but usually because she is uncomfortable doing anything "there" apart from regular penetration. She has never masturbated (because that is yuck) and I'm sure she rarely has an orgasm during sex, although she does really enjoy what we do.

She is very uncomfortable discussing this and I do not force the issue. But it is very frustrating for my own pleasure but also I'm sure I can help her enjoy our time more if she was a little more relaxed about foreplay and touching.

Being aware that often women can't orgasm just through penetration, how can I encourage her to allow external stimulation without her thinking it is yuck to touch "down there" especially when she is wet and in her words "dirty down there"?

[Vixen]

I know that I can get sensitive to the point were it can be sore from too much play. This is usually after a fair amount of foreplay. I have also had partners who I have found I cannot wait for penetration because I just find they turn me own so much.

Is your wife sensitive about her body. At times I would not let guys play with my breasts as I dont like that area of my body. Ive gained more confidence but if your wifes body has changed this may be the reason she doesnt want too much foreplay and wants sex over quickly. If this is the case compliments will boost her confidence and she will be happier with you touching her.

As for the yuck factor, that is something you should discuss with her, encourage her to masterbate its normal not yuck, get her use to touching down there and techniques that dont make her so sensitive and she can tell you.

Basically get communicating, you wont know what the problem is until you talk to her. I dont know if any of that has helped but hope you get some other responces.

[Shiny]

Thanks for responding Vixen.

Addressing your thoughts, there is definitely not much foreplay that involves sensitive areas that become sore. It almost always takes less than a minute and mostly seconds before my hand(or even lips for that matter) are directed away from sensitive areas.

Like many women she is concerned about her body image, even more since having children. However I have always found her body physically attractive from her early twenties when we first met and through the changes to her body whilst having our 2 children 7 years ago and now while she puts so much successful effort into weight loss and exercise to improve her image. And I have always told her how much "I" love all the things she complains about her body. And I honestly do! I have NEVER thought or said any negative comments about her body and never would.

About the yuck factor, I have tried to discuss it with her but really don't get far. Her family upbringing may have some bearing there and discussing sex, not only with me, but especially with others is definitely something that makes her VERY uncomfortable.

I have attempted to discuss this from time to time over many years but all I get is "uncomfortable" or "yuck" and mostly "uncomfortable" means "yuck"!

I only ask for advice because the few partners prior to our relationship have appreciated a lot more touching and even pointed me in the right direction, and I would like to help my wife experience the same pleasures.

By no means will sex ever be the most important part of our relationship because many other aspects of our lives make us a strong partnership, but I would really like to help her enjoy our sexual times without the "yuck" factor.

[WildChild]

How does she feel about massage?

[Joey]

why not suggest being intimate (in regards to foreplay and touching her) in the shower or bath? that way she cant possibly think she or her vagina is 'yucky'.

[pretzel]

For as much as I don't like saying this, I don't think this is going to change.

The phrases you mentioned "I'm uncomfortable","it's yuck", "it's dirty down there" sounds very much like phrases that were engrained into her upbringing. It sounds like she was raised in an environment where sex is pretty much for childbearing purposes and little else. Those were phrases my first wife used all too often.

[StillLearnin]

My wife was/is this way. She still is, but has lessened her repulsion factor lately.

She used to have her hand up in defensive position to push me away from her breasts and her pubic area. She would never touch me, and pre-cum grossed her out. She even had a few bouts of shear anger towards me when we were having sex and would get an angry fire in her eyes and start hitting me. (That sounds really bad, doesn't it? You are probably thinking bad things about me, that I caused that by mistreating and forcing myself on her. Which I never did.) And all I ever did was be supportive of her and respect her.

I agree that it probably comes from her upbringing. Or hard-wiring. Probably both.

[Rediscovered]

I know this won't help your situation, but I wanted to thank you and the other men here who post similar scenarios.

It evokes a tender feeling in me to see how much men can love their wives and their bodies and find them so beautiful, and yet the women either don't believe it or don't want to believe it.

If they only knew how much love their husbands have for them...

These threads have helped me realize it's not the body that counts, but the feeling behind the body, when it comes to sex.

Women (and men) can be their own worst enemies at times.

Your wife sounds like she needs to "unfreeze" herself and her body image thoughts--the two of you might do really well if you could practice some karezza lovemaking (lots of non-orgasmic bonding behaviors). It might help her feel more comfortable in your arms and about being made love to rather than "having sex."

Good luck to you!

[Hopeless Dork]

Her considering her vagina and any attempts at it being pleasured "yucky" goes to speak volumes about her upbringing, hardwiring. It may be that she need counseling on top of your support to be able to accept all of herself as beautiful, and all of herself... worthy of pleasure.

Somewhere down the line she was made to feel that whats in her panties is not a good thing, but something shameful, pleasure - shameful, etc.

Could be the way she was raised, could be a specific traumatic incident in her past that made her feel this way, could be any number of things.

But after 9 years, it she was able to overcome this on her own and with your love alone, it would have happened already. It may be time to bring in the professionals.

If she doesn't want to feel good, she won't. No matter what fancy techniques you use. If her mind is not in it, you could rub her nose for the same sexual effect as anywhere intimate.

Maybe you could try writing letters to each other, sometimes its hard to TALK about sex, and easier to WRITE about it for some people, maybe she could express her wishes and wants and why's and why nots better in text that spoken words, less embarassing etc.

[rcoreyus]

Typically it is assumed that men are the ones who just want quick sex. Your post is interesting though because my wife also just wants to get it done quickly. Maybe this is more common than people realize.

She clearly has a self image problem. Maybe Wildchild's idea is good: try massage and not sexual intimacy and see how she reacts.