[Guest]

Please give me some advice. Am I over reacting? I did say that I agreed there was nothing wrong with the porn and jerking off ...IF our sex life was good and active and he just wanted more. But when I am left feeling alone and unwanted I think it is wrong Please give advice thanks.

I think women totally over-react to the porn thing. The bottom line for men is if you do what we want once in a while, and I mean literally what we want, the porn will most likely stop. Porn is an outlet for needs that are not being satisfied. So maybe he wants you to dress up and you said no, or maybe he wants to have sex on the beach with you and you said no, so he watches porn on that stuff.

The funny thing is women watch shows like Sex in the City and those women do the exact same things men do, and women love it. Bit of a mixed message there.

Talk to him and see if there's more you could be doing to turn him on. Maybe you can work on some of his fantasies. Most women like sex in the bedroom. Most men like sex anywhere and any time they're horny. If you want him to be more intimate maybe you need to be more visceral with the sex.

[Hopeless Dork]

Teikyo, lots of generalizations you're making -- did you read her post? She wants to have more sex with him -- he is the one that is not interested in it, yet having the interest in porn.

He's looking at PICTURES of naked ladies that are not her... how is that a fantasy she can fullfill?

[DramaQueen007]

I think women totally over-react to the porn thing. The bottom line for men is if you do what we want once in a while, and I mean literally what we want, the porn will most likely stop. Porn is an outlet for needs that are not being satisfied. So maybe he wants you to dress up and you said no, or maybe he wants to have sex on the beach with you and you said no, so he watches porn on that stuff.

The funny thing is women watch shows like Sex in the City and those women do the exact same things men do, and women love it. Bit of a mixed message there.

Talk to him and see if there's more you could be doing to turn him on. Maybe you can work on some of his fantasies. Most women like sex in the bedroom. Most men like sex anywhere and any time they're horny. If you want him to be more intimate maybe you need to be more visceral with the sex.

I have tried to talk to him. I have never refused him anything at all. I have been the most open and willing in all we have done since together and he is more than willing that this hasnt changed. He assures me that its not me, that its nothing ive done or not done right. He also assures me that he loves me and doesnt want to be anywhere else and yet....im so repulsive apparently to actually try making any changes in this at all. Still naked sites, still no real sex or intimacy in fact his coming to bed has got later and later/

I told him last night that i know and have seen all the other sites. That I know that he never stopped....who knows what will happen today/ Is this really over reacting? I do not have a problem with porn or jerking off to it at all, ive wanted him to watch it with me but when the relationship is not intimate and sexual there is something wrong....dont you think?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I think women totally over-react to the porn thing. The bottom line for men is if you do what we want once in a while, and I mean literally what we want, the porn will most likely stop. Porn is an outlet for needs that are not being satisfied. So maybe he wants you to dress up and you said no, or maybe he wants to have sex on the beach with you and you said no, so he watches porn on that stuff.

Again, balony... Do you seriously think that men watching porn is only because they don't get what they want? Not satisfied? The OP just made a point in correcting you on that.

You said yourself men need to visualise, women want intimacy... So again I shall state, "people" need visualisation 25% have it 75% don't and so that 75% need it. Porn has nothing to do with sexuality, sensuality , horny ...

A woman if I may, can have the whole three things going, she can be sexual, sensual, horny all at the same time and she can be one or the other as well, if she has no inhibitions.. The OP has stated she gives all of that.

Porn is started because he needs visuals, because he can't visualise her, but tries as he loves, but it doesn't work.

Same.. Women can't visualise their man, they try to masterbate but can't so they try fantasy, therefore, they need visualisation... Brad Pitt you said?

Two partners that can use visualisation, can SEE and therefore, can do what ever with their partner and only their partner in mind.

So visualisation is what is needed to be learnt.

The funny thing is women watch shows like Sex in the City and those women do the exact same things men do, and women love it. Bit of a mixed message there.

Not me... What Samantha? lols in her real life, she is simular but I imagine it's because she has played a role much like visualisation and has learnt how to just be ....

Talk to him and see if there's more you could be doing to turn him on. Maybe you can work on some of his fantasies. Most women like sex in the bedroom. Most men like sex anywhere and any time they're horny. If you want him to be more intimate maybe you need to be more visceral with the sex.

Man, adventure is in alot of women, tie me to a tree, clothes line with baby oil, blind fold me... And "some" men, concentrate on giving you it all, but aren't adventurous, see that as, OMG I can't do that to you?

It's about perfect match be it, your morals, your sexuality, it is actually about core values.

I told him last night that i know and have seen all the other sites. That I know that he never stopped....who knows what will happen today/ Is this really over reacting? I do not have a problem with porn or jerking off to it at all, ive wanted him to watch it with me but when the relationship is not intimate and sexual there is something wrong....dont you think?

People also have addictions he may have lost "reality" and is addicted.

have never refused him anything at all. I have been the most open and willing in all we have done since together and he is more than willing that this hasnt changed. He assures me that its not me, that its nothing ive done or not done right. He also assures me that he loves me and doesnt want to be anywhere else and yet....im so repulsive apparently to actually try making any changes in this at all. Still naked sites, still no real sex or intimacy in fact his coming to bed has got later and later/
have never refused him anything at all. I have been the most open and willing in all we have done since together and he is more than willing that this hasnt changed.

I think, he's addicted and so he masterbates to this and so, he's spent and therefore can't do it with you.

This is not about what you have done, do, you do it.

This is about him being tired, doing it and neglecting you.

Can you get the sexual side in, before he goes on line? Before he masterbates? In order to be wanting sex, with you, as you do, in all the positions you do together..

CW

[clueless&confused]

Hi
I have been looking for something like this for a while. Last night my partner jacked off and Im ok with that its the fact he waited till I went to bed and still has not told me. When I went for my run this morning I got in he was in the bathroom, changed his boxers and quickly snuck them to the laundry with a damp washer...
He said he cant have sex with me as it hurts him, so I understand jacking off as he can control how hard or soft he dose it, but to keep it from me is it wrong to feel hurt, I tryed to ask in way not to lead on that I know what he did but he got defensive and changed the subject....why hide it from me? I have been understanding and willing to wait (its been 9 mths) and yet he is keeping this from me. I feel hurt as I dont know what Im doing wrong - im not sml and I was a size 12 but with my medication I have put on a bit more weight, he likes sml girls so I'm trying in that section to fix myself. IS IT ME? I dont know what to believe....HELP!! I know how you feel and I cry and thought no one else understood.... how do u cope?

[stressed]

An advice to all the women out there who are hurt by porn (by experience): Be aggressive! Don't let your man do whatever he wants (i.e. hurting you) for whatever reason. State your pain, make it clear and ask him to TRY to change, because it is hurtful. Don't sit there feeling helpless, knowing what they're going to do once you are out the door. If you won't act they will keep on doing it. Delete their porn, delete their favourites, let them know you are hurt and you won't tolerate it. Don't expect them to understand by discussion only, they won't. Porn can hurt A LOT in many cases and it is very hard to deal with or make your man understand how hurtful it is when they turn down sex, for whatever reason. No sex and a lot of porn is not normal. It is not healthy. And it should not be tolerated. Act before you go crazy, that's all I can say.

[supergirl88]

Stressed, I just wanted to share my personal experience with you. The same thing has happened to me. These feelings you have about what happened are totally normal and justifiable. I'm sorry, but I don't care if people say there is nothing wrong with porn, but they are wrong. Pornography destroys families and relationships, it degrades women and desensitizes men. Something needs to be done. I believe that he most likely was depressed about loosing his job at first but then turned to porn out of boredom. And now he's destroying your relationship. He either needs to admit his problem and get help (he's going to need all the support from you as you can give) or a different kind of change needs to happen if he is not willing to save your relationship. I really hope that with the love and support from you he can get the help he needs to overcome this addiction. No woman deserves to come second to something so disgusting and wrong. I wish you the best of luck.

[Lovcookie]

This is all great advice. I can only add that maybe...I say maybe...it is related to matters other than sex that have killed his motivation for romance. I know from experience if a women is always on a man's case, (about whatever) that it will magnify resentment and in his case self worth issues (being out of work). It will eventually grind away any romantic sexual feelings and could lead to a porn habit. Habits are sneeky and tough to break. Not saying this is the case just thought I would throw it in. If he is spending his time everyday getting off on porn then he will not have much sexual energy left to be directed where it should be. You have every right to feel the way you do, especially because you stated that you have expressed your needs to him. He should feel lucky that you want him. Having said that I think making him feel bad about his porn habit will only drive him futher away. He already does feel guilty. Maybe try going along with it. Have you ever tried watching porn with him....it might spice things up.

[Myself]

Please talk to him! Your situation sounds so similar to mine. 6 months ago my husband lost his job. Our relationship seemed to slip after this point. ( we had a great marriage before that) Our intimacy, both physically and emotionally, declined to nothing. I know that he continued to use porn to jerk off and it bothered me, but I let it go. Then about 2 weeks ago, I discovered his secret email address on the computer. He has been chatting with girls, sending and receiving sexual photos, and had even arranged a meet with one girl who is local. Ive confronted him, and he says that he is sorry and it wont happen again. But the damage is done. I am very hurt that he would seek out multiple women for physical and emotional intimacy while I am right here. This went beyond porn and into the realm of personal.

Please try to be calm, and supportive. It is HARD! But I have realized that I have contributed to this problem too. I should have been more supportive when he needed me to help him fell better about himself. Good luck!

[Guest]

Very mature words from myself. Although how can you be myself when I am ??????