[Hopeless Dork]

That part sounds like it was brought on by his job, maybe try getting him involved in other things while out of work....I personally wouldn't read too much into this, seems like an emotional time for him and like it should pass.

Just take your own personal situation into consideration... you have been wanting more sex with your fiance, she denies you this... you have been so supportive even to the point of trying to kill your own drive to keep the peace...

You walk into to find her masturbating with her dildo... you realize she's been doing this every day yet having no desire for sex with you, and it is probably the reason she isn't horny for you, her needs are met already, etc...

Stress or not, would you not feel that she is acting selfishly?

[pittsburgh44]

Just take your own personal situation into consideration... you have been wanting more sex with your fiance, she denies you this... you have been so supportive even to the point of trying to kill your own drive to keep the peace...

You walk into to find her masturbating with her dildo... you realize she's been doing this every day yet having no desire for sex with you, and it is probably the reason she isn't horny for you, her needs are met already, etc...

Stress or not, would you not feel that she is acting selfishly?

no! I'd be more than happy to see that there's atleast a light at the end of the tunnel and I like to watch her so it'd be a win win for me.

This situation though seems to be more of a situational thing, somebody has extra time on their hand (pun intended lol) and want to kill some time... But when you involve your S.O. then the act of sex can be affected by other factors (no job, frustrated with situation, feeling of less a person, etc).

That why I was saying to not put too much thought into a temporary "thing".

[Hopeless Dork]

That why I was saying to not put too much thought into a temporary "thing".

One can only hope. But usually when someone is actively working AGAINST intimacy with their partner... it only gets worse... not better.


And your response to my scenerio assumes she would want you taking part with her. How would you feel if she didn't? As whats happening here. She took care of herself sexually without you around, then no desire for you period. Still honestly? You would not feel left out?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I'm kind of agreeing with pittsburgh, in as much as it could be emotional, alot of emotions, due to moving, losing his job, feeling un-worthy, and it will pass if there is support to get him back where he was, when he came over, all the way from America to UK, to have a life with her.

Is it possible that this is not just a case of "now I'm here, I don't want sex, and I'm happier with porn" scenario.

[Wruinin]

Sorry, DramaQueen007, I didn't read other ppl's replies, so I hope I can write something new or whatever useful for you from a man's perspective.

First, a man who is depressed or feels down because something in his life went wrong and now he feels like a loser or unable to do things etc. I have been there. Even if you love someone you act like a dork. You act as if you had no love for her, although you love her so much. Because you have failed in life / even if that is something temporary and maybe soon you can be happy and active again, now you feel like a loser and you tend to punish yourself by ignoring the loved one and making things worse. Sex with her is the last thing you are able to do, and jerking off is just something you do not for pleasure, but just you have to do something to get rid of the sexual stuff inside. So of course, it is embarrassing to be caught like that.

I would try to cheer the guy up anyway you may do it. He may feel stupid as you buy him things or cook for him. Instead you may try to tease him instead of giving him money for cigarettes, go to a soccer game with him, do something crazy that will make him forget his personal problem, that is only temporary. Wear the sexiest underwear you can imagine, go to bed in it and read Kafka without looking at him. Or something else that makes no sense but has something to do with sex. Just don't cry. Have fun and try to infect him with it. I remember I went through this some years ago and lost a fantastic woman who was trying to do her best to help me but gave up after a few months. The only thing here that works , possibly, will be try to make him see the situation less heavy and tragic and entertain him, act like there is no problem at all. I know this is a million times easier to be said than done. I have no idea if you can do something like that but that would have changed things for my ex ex relationship, I suppose.

[DramaQueen007]

Hi everyone
Firstly thank you so much everyone for all of those responses. I truly took each into consideration as I spoke with him and tried to be open at the responses. I was even open about the result if I am honest. I did not know if we would get through this, split or just slowly drift apart. I did show him all of your responses and let him read through on his own so he could see all of the different points of view. Then we sat and talked.
He was so upset, not just the sex but as many of you had said his lack of friends, his work, he feels low like a failure. He also feels like he cannot judge anymore the decisions he makes as most of us have friends as a sounding board to help with this and he doesnt. He said he has been trying to keep it all under control and not show me as he didnt want me having extra pressure. I have no doubt this 'controlled unwanted silence' hasnt helped at all.
He did want me to make the point that it isnt a frequent event, he doesnt use porn frequently and it is moment thing sometimes every so often. Which if I love him I must believe unless this is proven to be untrue at somepoint. Also he made the point that, by the time I have finished working and am ready for time with him (which has been heavy for me lately) he has usually had his medication and alcohol too which stems the want and ability to have sex for many men. Both of these points I am happy to accept.
I told him how much I miss being his gf, how much I miss him being intimate with me; not just sex but cuddles, glances, comments little touches. And I told him the truth, that I am proud of him as a person I am not angry or upset because I want this over, I am like this because I love him and want him in my life so very much. I also told him that I know how good he is at his job and that I am sure something will come, I know how much time he puts into looking for one and that wont go without reward at some point in the job stakes.
The conversation was a very difficult one, I kept trying to be strong and not 'over dramatise' as he says I often do. (your comments helped me do that a lot) But seeing a man cry breaks my heart, it always has but to see the man you love and long for cry...heartbreaking to the nth degree.
He told me clearly that he loves me and that he does not want to be away from me. He said that porn hasnt replaced me, that the drive is never usually there at all but every so often watever time it does come and if Im not there, thats when it has happened. I said to him that, if and when those times do come , I want them....i long for them, and if there is even a possbility of waiting for me to be there or texting me or something throughout it, then I would love that. He made it very clear that none of this has anything to do with how I look (due to my own insecurities with anorexia(past) and self image), nothing I did wrong or not good, nothing I didnt or wouldnt do. He loves me he loves when we have sex and he simply wishes he could at times that I am there to be with him.
About halfway through the conversation we started to reflect on other problems we have got through in our time together, some major some small, some prolonged and some short but sharp. We talked on how much we have grown as a couple and how strong we have become in comparison. As a quick example, in the past major arguments would lead to screaming shouting, both (secretly self harming away from one another), storming out of the house, going off for hours on end. But this time had been very different. Open, calm, so honest....loving I would say even in our hurt, anger and pain.
Ok so, cut to the chase...we both love eachother and see the problems we both have at the moment in life. We both know we dont want to be away from eachother and live life without the other. So we will aim to bring back intimiacy, we will be more honest and not try to keep feelings and problems inside, he will try to have those horny moments with me in some way if it is at all possible and if not then I am happy for him to use porn. And mostly we both feel this needed to happen, its like we feel all of this has made us grow even stronger than we were.
I still feel scared, I still am nervous that this might indeed turn out not to be true and it will go wrong. But its a risk I am more than happy to take.
The days since have been lovely. Small smiles, cuddles, kisses comments about how beautiful I look today and for the first time on saturday evening we have a lovely night together watching a movie, being close, small glances into looking deep into eyes. We didnt have sex and I was fine with that, thats my part of this maybe I had too much emphasis on that side and really it was the intimacy I longed and needed.
Thanks so much for all of your help on this you all really did help us both a huge amount. We know we have a way to go but I am looking forward to it now. Fingers crossed its all been how we have said

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I still am nervous that this might indeed turn out not to be true and it will go wrong. But its a risk I am more than happy to take.

Squash the fear. It's hard for a "person" to open up and share. It's harder for a person to feel like a failure... But tell him, he is not. Geez, we can't determine what bosses do.. And, please, support him to get ahead again... He needs you now.

I don't believe that he read the alternative thoughts, and agreed with them, he went into detail.

So do yourselves a favour, be there for each other, communicate as you have, are, and work towards the next journey of your lives.

CW

[Hopeless Dork]

I'm so glad he is willing to work with you on moving the relationship forward to a better place. It shows he cares, and while his actions before may have been selfish (taking the tiny energy he did have, and not spending it with you) he was willing to listen to you on how important it is for you to feel desired by him... and hopefully next time the urge hits him, he'll refrain, hold off on the alchohol and grab you the minute you get home from work.

And for you, if you are a nighttime sex person, and thats when he's least sexual, might have to shake up your friskyness schedule too... like striking in the morning when his testosterone levels are highest.. or sneaking away from work on a lunch break etc etc...

Being able to talk about what you feel, him being honest and trying to understand you, as well as himself shows you guys are in a really good place that hit a bump, but will only get better. Good luck to you!

[DramaQueen007]

Ok well its me again...
Just to say, i give up. I was honest and i thought he was too now I just found on his computer that he spent a good frew hours on friday on naked pics, drugs sites and private browsing! I have nothing left in me to fight with..im so sick of lies and fakes.
Maybe I dont deserve anyone, maybe im just repulsive

[Hopeless Dork]

Ok well its me again...
Just to say, i give up. I was honest and i thought he was too now I just found on his computer that he spent a good frew hours on friday on naked pics, drugs sites and private browsing! I have nothing left in me to fight with..im so sick of lies and fakes.
Maybe I dont deserve anyone, maybe im just repulsive

Please dont feel that way. Know your worth, dramaqueen. Don't let his selfishness make you feel worthless.