[BlissfulEnigma]

My boyfriend and I seem to have amazing sexual chemistry, but we've been encountering some problems in the bedroom.

He says, and I know from other people, that he used to be known for his stamina, able to go for a really long time. With me it only lasts up to ten minutes, sometimes under a minute.

At the beginning of our relationship, he seemed able to achieve an erection without any difficulty, but lately it's been harder. We usually have a really long session of foreplay, during which he seems erect and ready to go, then suddenly becomes flaccid. The other night, we had just bought some amazing bondage toys and were using them, and he was getting really into it. Writhing, moaning, rock hard, the works. Then when it came time to get down to the actual sex, he got flaccid. I was able to work him back up with my mouth, and we were able to start, but within a minute he became flaccid inside of me.

Now, he says it has nothing to do with me. I know he loves me and I love him. But it's hard not to think that maybe he just isn't attracted to me?

Is there anything I can do to help with this? I don't want to suggest to him that he may have ED or reccomend Viagra or anything like that, because he's insecure about it and I really don't want to hurt his feelings. But he's only 19, this shouldn't be happening. I wonder if either there's something wrong with me, or something seriously medically wrong with him. I love him, but I have a really, really high sex drive, and I don't know if I can continue on like this.

Any suggestions?

[rcoreyus]

The main thing is not to make him stress about it - if it is psychological, the more he worries, the worse it will get. He can get an erection, so that probably rules out a lot of physical problems.

[Mes T]

I agree with rcoreyus, it's probably psychological, by the looks of it! My boyfriend in college went through a period of a few months with the same problem - it seemingly came out of NOwhere, and one day it eventually vanished.

I've heard a few methods used to overcome this, if it truly is a psychological problem... and my favorite is the following:

Don't. Have. Intercourse, for a pre-agreed upon amount of time. Let's say you agree to NOT have intercourse for 2 weeks. Well then, you gotta stick to it.

During those two weeks, go ahead and do everything else: Oral, manual stimulation, kisses, caresses, but do NOT have intercourse. Make a game out of it. Sort of like, "Ha-ha, you can't have me, how long can you take it??"

The whole idea of the exercise is that it gets rid of any kind of pressure to "perform." Most people who do this exercise end up not being able to manage the whole 2 weeks and have sex early - sex with no problems, that is.

[BlissfulEnigma]

It does make sense for it to be psychological. He's told me that he worries about satisfying me, and he just seems really insecure and worried. Which is odd, because he usually gives off a cool, confident vibe.
I've tell him all the time that I love him, that he satisfies me plenty, that I think he's sexy, that he's amazing... but it doesn't seem to help.

How can I help him be more comfortable? :/

Edit: I really don't think we could last two weeks. :P And the problem isn't all the time, so I forsee that working for maybe the first few times after but not long term. I dunno. There would be no way of knowing until it happened again. Which is about once in every three or four times lately.

[Hopeless Dork]

It doesn't sounds like its a medically induced erectile dysfuction. More like performance anxiety, stress etc.

It probably happened once for whatever reason and now any instance it crosses his mind during sex and he fears it happening again -- it happens again.

Roll with it, he'll get over it I wouldn't make a big fuss about it, enjoy the other things you guys do that don't involve penetration when he loses it rather than make a big production of winning the erection back. Have fun, do other things during the 'down-time'... eventually he'll clear his mind and start focusing on the pleasure and sensations instead of the worries.

[maverick]

HD is most likely correct. Most men have problems from time-fo-time and it goes away. Having a caring & understanding partner is a huge help in this regard. If it does not correct itself, you should be aware that losing one's erection during intercourse IS a sympton of ED. If the problem persists, he should see a doctor, preferably a urologist, who can determine if it is a medical problem, treatable with ED medications. One thing that you should NOT do is blame yourself. You sound like a great lover and a great partner and I bet he is crazy about you.

[rcoreyus]

If it is psychological (as sounds likely) encourage him to do other things that you enjoy. Show him all the things he can do to drive you wild with other parts of his body .

[BlissfulEnigma]

I suppose I'll just do that. There are plenty of other things we can do.

I just wish I could convince him that he's amazing. Because he really is.

[rcoreyus]

The best way to convince is to demonstrate in a very direct way just how much you want him.

I just wish I could convince him that he's amazing. Because he really is.

[BlissfulEnigma]

I do that. :/ Or, at least, it seems to me like I do.

I'm pretty forward about my sexual desire.