[BigDaddy]

I tell you I definitely can't win.........

Quick text to Ms Big.

"Won't be late home & not working tomorrow, bringing wine and we can hit the couch. Do you want me to grab something for dinner?"

Baby in daycare today and I was supposed to work tomorrow helping out a friend. Canned work in order to try and spend some time with Ms Big without pushing any issues.

Reply:

"Don't need wine there's chicken in the freezer"


Hmph.......... :-)

So I did call in and grab some Chinese real quick on the way home and a 6 pack of cider. (plus a mini Snickers to have a little "gift")

Chinese inhaled in about 4 minutes, 2 ciders gone, although apparently she doesn't like cider and the mini snickers received little more than a "oh ta" and is on the coffee table this morning.

I wasn't looking for any specific reactions but just thought I'd share what went down.

[BigDaddy]

Still no change in the Big household although we did have a brief chat either Sat or Sun night.

What I heard, not necessarily what was said was

" I love having sex, its great when we do it, but it literally never enters my mind. The baby, the house and everything else I do in my day are more important than spending time with you. You should do more around here, leave me alone and it will all be OK"

Needless to say, yes the baby is priority, but everything else normally constitutes lunch out with friends or time spent seemingly fluffing around the house when I'm not there or shopping. Not as in food shopping either. Now I'm not questing the lifestyle choice, we do live pretty well and are always out on my day's off, but I just want to appear somewhere on the priority list which apparently at the moment, I don't.

[stressed]

She seems to be under stress or feels like she has to do everything right, but since that is impossible she never feels that what she does is ever enough, so whole days can go by without her thinking about sex. Asking you to do more around here can mean that she wants you to contribute to every-day responsibilities to take some weight off her shoulders. Even if she doesn't have to do everything herself she seems to need to hear from you to take it easy and enjoy life, more than do everything perfectly. You can try to stay home more instead of going out every time you are free, make it more cosy and just relax.

[StillLearnin]

I know the original question was "when will it reach enough is enough for my wife if I keep asking her for sex?" If you keep appeasing her and not asking, she will soon forget about it and hardly ever want it. And over time YOU will be telling her "enough is enough." Work it out now, don't put it off. Don't just let it go and suppress your needs.

[BigDaddy]

I know the original question was "when will it reach enough is enough for my wife if I keep asking her for sex?" If you keep appeasing her and not asking, she will soon forget about it and hardly ever want it. And over time YOU will be telling her "enough is enough." Work it out now, don't put it off. Don't just let it go and suppress your needs.

100% agree. As much as I'm aware of not pressuring and making it too much of an issue, I know if I just sit back and allow the problem to wallow we will be far worse off. My first marriage went down that path because my ex flat out refused to talk and would even lie to others about how fantastic our relationship was right up until the end. She was in complete denial.

I like to think I'm learning from mistakes past.

[BigDaddy]

She seems to be under stress or feels like she has to do everything right, but since that is impossible she never feels that what she does is ever enough, so whole days can go by without her thinking about sex. Asking you to do more around here can mean that she wants you to contribute to every-day responsibilities to take some weight off her shoulders. Even if she doesn't have to do everything herself she seems to need to hear from you to take it easy and enjoy life, more than do everything perfectly. You can try to stay home more instead of going out every time you are free, make it more cosy and just relax.

I can assure you the stress to do everything perfectly comes from her. Its very much one of her personality traits. Not quite OCD, but she likes things impeccably tidy and clean. I often feel that unless I manage to get to a job 1st, there will be no opportunity for me to do it. I literally run around the house in the morning to get washing, dishes etc done before I go to work and try to get lots done before she wakes up.

I would give my left arm if she would relax a little and let the world pass her by now and then.

As for being home and making it "cozy" if were at home she will be off doing jobs and not relaxing. Out works far better for now.

[BigDaddy]

Updating....

So its 6 weeks or so since I popped through here. I went back and re read some of the advice and I think I've been reasonably spot on in my efforts with my partner.

I've continued all my efforts around the house and have stepped up efforts to pay attention to her whilst making it 100% obvious there is no sexual pressure or tension at all. I've flirted a little, told her she looks gorgeous etc and she's received numerous foot rubs, massages over this period.

She still sleeps through most nights while I get the baby overnight and I"m trying to ensure my jobs around home are done to the best of my ability. I've even made time to spend alone and with friends so she's not being smothered. Shes had 3 or 4 days out with friends in that time where I've headed out with the baby all day.

Aside from a quick "do you wanna try for a quicky" one morning (with the baby crawling around the bedroom floor) she has not initiated contact in any way, especially sexual, beyond a quick kiss in the morning and before bed.

Her plan of attack (or lack of) will end. I'm not going to tolerate her being completely asexual. Whilst I'm not going to go out and cheat, I will make time for myself and will not put myself second any more. I can try and be the ideal partner and get nothing or I can be me and still get nothing. My path is clear and hopefully she comes around.

[WildChild]

At least you know you have really tried.
Have you tried talking with her about it lately?
Increasingly I feel that lack of intimacy in a realtionship is not tollerable, the problems are communicating effectively about it and where and when to draw the line.

[BigDaddy]

You know what pi$$es me off more than anything. I am 100% sure if the roles were reversed this would be one of the biggest issues mankind had ever encountered.

If I woke up one morning and no longer felt the urge to get up 3 or 4 times a night to tend to the baby, or decided I had had enough of cleaning etc she would feel neglected, abandoned and all sorts of things pointing to the fact that I did not care about her or the relationship. When I make it clear how feel about being neglected I get nothing but "it's all about you isn't it" and the discussion ends.

Not only is it now an issue of regaining some form of sex life, she now needs to find a way back into the relationship and to win back some respect.

FWIW, I don't care that she doesn't want to have sex. I'm concerned she doesn't care that she doesn't want to have sex.

Rant over.

[Drangel254]

I feel you completely. I'm going through the same thing. My girl said she never feels like I'm happy I tell her I just want her too at least try. She had sex w me and did great things and I feel so in love but right b4 that I was kissing her and pleasing her and she said " i don't want sex" which killed the mood. I stopped and she was mad bc she said I was dissapointed. I told her she can do other things to defer me from sex but doesn't have to kill me like that.